014: The People of Vermoric v. Feston Pyxis
produced by Julian Mundy, Mischa Stanton & Ian McQuown
written & Directed By Ian McQuown
Story by Julian Mundy
sound design by Mischa Stanton
[BACK]
[[INTRO]
[[Music: “Wild Plain”]]
>>SCENE 01:
[[SFX: A loud, intergalactic, bolt of plasma lightning cracks and moves just ahead of the StarTripper's bow. FESTON struggles to keep the ship in control.]]
FESTON: Hello Travelers! And welcome back to STARTRIPPER! Wasn't really planning on a broadcast today but as we were passing the swamp planet of Vermoric, we got caught in a surprise—
[[SFX: Another electric charge from the port side.]]
[[Music: light, upbeat music plays.]]
FESTON: (cont.) --zowy! --a surprise energy storm just inside the planet's orbital zone! It's got a pretty purple glow to it that really I'd love to check out, but maybe we’ll come back when it’s less about to bolt us clean out of the sky. Alright Proxy, I think we're through the roughest part, taking us into the atmo now!
PROXY: Confirmed, Feston. Here is your entrance telemetry. Fly with extreme caution.
[[SFX: A telemetry path is generated on the viewing screen]]
FESTON: Thanks, Prox! And hey, now we get a fun bonus episode exploring the strange subterranean world of Vermoric! Best known for its beautiful habitation domes and incredibly robust legal system!
[[SFX: Another bolt cracks, zapping the hull and throwing FESTON to the floor. An engine sputters in the background.]]
FESTON: Ugh!
[[SFX: comm bloop.]]
SERENA: [over comm] Hey Captain, you know you're supposed to avoid Plasma Lightning, right???
FESTON: [shaking it off ] Working on it. How's everything doing in the engine room?
SERENA: Not great, the last bolt knocked something out. Just plugged Gator in for a diagnostic.
FESTON: Gator? Wasn’t that the AI of the ship you lost on Rannitar?
SERENA: Yep. Ejected the black box with his CPU a moment before the blast. He’s solid, should be able to help us out right now.
GATOR: Diagnostic Complete. Sub-lateral Engine Conduits non-functional.
FESTON: Uh, did he say sub-lateral? Those control the...steering. Proxy!?
PROXY: [with some static] Apologies, Feston, but the storm has also short-circuited some of my personal systems. I am orienting us in the direction of a particularly deep marsh on the north side of the planet and have adjusted our vector for minimal collision impact, to protect the Startripper and myself from further electrical corruption, I must shut down all conscious systems and enter safe-mode. As we will essentially be in a controlled free-fall, I advise that everyone hold onto something.
FESTON: Uh-oh.
SERENA: FREE FALL!? Are you serious?
FESTON: It's not my fault! Besides, she said Safe Mode, we’ll be fine!
SERENA: You can’t be serious!
PROXY: Descent trajectory confirmed, now entering safe-mode.
[[SFX: Systems shutting down. The wind whistles past the exterior.]]
FESTON: I think we need to re-examine the term "SAFE" Mode, Proxy! Uh, alright listeners, Vermoric is pretty well known for it's soft, swampy, outer layer, so I think we're gonna be fine, but just in case we should really take--
SERENA: Feston, if I die listening to you record a podcast I WILL find you in the afterlife and make you regret it.
FESTON: On second, listeners, thought I'm just gonna strap in and shut up.
GATOR: Impact in 3...2...
[[SFX: The Ship impacts a very wet muck, becoming fully submerged and jetting down into the marsh, making a really farty trailing sound as it goes.]]
SERENA: We should be clear of the energy storm in the mud, reboot the system.
FESTON: Right!
[[SFX: Inputting console command, ship sounds coming back to life. PROXY's comm. bloiping back on.]]
PROXY: Electronic and life support systems re-engaged. The StarTripper is showing minimal damage--
FESTON: --phew, what a relie--
[[SFX: Proximity alert]]
PROXY: Sensors indicating a large structure directly ahead, we are on a collision course.
SERENA: Large structure?!
FESTON: [realizing] It's one of the Habitation Domes!
[[SFX: CRASH! The ship rips through the metal and insulation and passes into the upper air of the Vermoric Dome.]]
PROXY: We are clear of the swamp, initiating emergency landing.
[[SFX: The ship engages landing gear and sets down none-too-cleanly in the middle of a beautiful pasture.]]
PROXY: We are safe, repairs will be needed, but all major systems are intact.
FESTON: Phew! Well, not the safest start to an episode we’ve ever done but at least it all turned out alright in the end--
FLERNICK:[outside] What in the-- Look what you did to my property! Get your hindparts out of that ship and down here this instant!
FORKS: [further away but approaching] Not so fast Flernick, you old crook! Whoever they are, they damaged the dome over my property first, so you're just going to have to get in line!
FLERNICK: Getting in line behind you is the last thing I'll ever do, Forks, you cheat! Now skitter off!
FORKS: You skitter off!
[[SFX: FLERNICK and FORKS begin to wrestle. FESTON runs over to the exit hatch and taps the door pad; it wooshes open.]]
FESTON: Woah there, old-timers. I'm sorry for the excitement but I'm sure we can work this all out.
FLERNICK / FORKS: GET HIM!
FESTON: Uh oh…
[[SFX: Flernick & Forks lunge, bringing Feston down under them. Serena takes tentative steps out of the ship.]]
SERENA: Hey Feston, we need to have a word about your… [notices the scuffle] Oh kak.
[[SFX: Serena trots down the ramp and starts pulling the trio apart.]]
[[Music: Groovy]]
>>SCENE 02:
[[SFX: Heavy prison bars clang shut.]]
SERENA: Come on! You're locking him up for property destruction? It was an accident!
FESTON: [politely] We didn’t even hear anything about an incoming energy storm.
KLUTCH: Look ma’am--
SERENA: --ma'am?--
KLUTCH: --You are free to go, your credentials with the Circle are good enough. But there's nothin' I can do for him. Charges have been filed by both Mx.'s Flernick and Forks, and a court appointment’s already been set.
FESTON: Wow, really robust legal system.
KLUTCH: Hearing's this afternoon, we'll hold him until the trial date. [then:] And between you and me, these Flernick and Forks fella's, they do this a lot so if you two got unfinished business, you might want to take care of it before you don't see each other for a while.
SERENA: Oh jeez...
FESTON: Terrifying.
[[SFX: Clumsy footsteps coming quickly down the hall.]]
DIPODIL: Uh, hello there Mr. Pyz-zus, my name is Dipodil Bejub, I'll be your representative for the WEE--
[[SFX: Drops files and bends down to re-order them.]]
DIPODIL: [cont.] Oh shoot, would you look at that, that's going to take a while to get back in order, shoot. Sorry, I'm just a little nervous, you're actually my first--
[[SFX: Drops papers again.]]
DIPODIL: --whoops, I'm such a jelly paws today. Like I said, you're my first case, so we should both be in for an exciting day.
SERENA: Klutch! You can escort Mx. Bejub out, I'll be the lawyer--Feston's--(clears throat) Mr. Pyxis's lawyer.
[[SFX: A cricket chirps.]]
SERENA: Okay, you know what? I'll escort you out Mx. Bejub, and you can fill me in on whatever... you've already done! And also tell me where the hearing room is. Klutch, take care of my buddy will ya?
[[SFX: SERENA and DIPODIL walk away.]]
DIPODIL: Um, okay! Sorry if I came off a little unprepared, it's just my first day...
[[SFX: Cell door slams shut.]]
KLUTCH: ...She's cool.
FESTON: The coolest. [Then, seeing an opening:] So Klutch, help an alien out: what's the deal with Flernick and Forks? This is a lot of trouble to go to over some ruined flowerbeds.
[[Music: Educational TV show.]]
KLUTCH: They're only the two richest Vermians in the district. You're real unlucky kid, you crashed through the dome right on the dividing line of their estates so they're both suing you. Ha, they're also suing each other for who gets to collect from you first. Well, that and other things...
FESTON: Wow, it’s like a lawsuit inside a lawsuit with another lawsuit’s hat on. I’m not an expert on legal proceedings, but this seems like overkill to me.
KLUTCH: Oh, those two have been fightin' over stuff for years. 'Used to be business partners and then one of 'em cheated at a game of Grand Helix or something. One sued for the rights to the company, and the other counter-sued for the right to keep the client registry, and the first one double-criss-cross-counter-sued right back for punitive legal damages, and so on and so on. And anytime one or the other brings up a complaint in any sorta court, there you’ll find the other, trying to shave off a piece of it for themself. Hey, you might get lucky and they'll get so distracted with each other they'll forget all about you, that's what happened the last time.
FESTON: [blanching a little] Wow, they really do sue people a lot.
[[SFX: Klutch, a much larger rodent than the rest, starts to lumber away down the corridor.]]
KLUTCH: Like I said, they've been fighting over stuff for years.
FESTON: Well, at least I'm a part of a time-honored tradition. And from what I know about law on Vermoric, Serena's about to be too...
[[Music: Contemplative piano.]]
>>SCENE 03:
[[SFX: A door opening into A Large Vermian Courtroom, filled with onlookers all conversing quietly]]
DIPODIL: Yes, yes, this is the hearing room. Good luck, I'll be in the back. Day one of a new case, so exciting, don't you think?
SERENA: Ya, thanks, I'll take it from here, Dipodil.
[[SFX: SERENA walks to the defendant's desk. A space gavel knocks court into session.]]
ADJUDICATOR 1 [A 1]: Salutations. You stand before the Adjudicator Trinity, to determine the validity of charges against Feston Pyxis by The People of Vermoric, Daalo Flernik and Pendri Forks.
ADJUDICATOR 2 [A 2]: The charges are "Willful Destruction of Property," one of Vermoric's most serious crimes, the standard sentence being: Life Imprisonment.
ADJUDICATOR 3 [A 3]: Depending on the outcome of this meeting, we will decide whether the case needs official Adjudication, or be dismissed. Legal representatives, you may make your statements, now.
[[SFX: Prosecuting Attorneys scooting back their chairs and standing up.]]
FLERNICK ATTORNEY: The plaintiff Daalo Flernick accuses Feston Pyxis of 'Willful Destruction' and requests official proceeding for damages and punishment, in their favor.
FORKS ATTORNEY: The plaintiff Pendri Forks also accuses Feston Pyxis of 'Willful Destruction' and requests official proceeding for damages and punishment, in their favor.
FLERNICK: [whispers] You damn swindler.
FORKS: [whispers] Says the thief trying to take my repair money for their own.
[[SFX: Gavel bangs]]
A 1: We will have propriety in this hearing room. Con-Counselors, do you concur with your leads?
F+F CON-COUNCILS: We concur with our Prosecuting Attorneys, your honorous.
SERENA: Your honors, there has been a terrible mistake. I think you’ll find--
[[SFX: Gavel bangs]]
A 3: First of all, where is your con-council?
SERENA: Um... I'm the council.
[[SFX: The crowd gasps; "She doesn't have con-council?”.]]
A 1: You are the Defending Attorney, off-worlder. Where is your Contradictory Council?
SERENA: A con-what now?
A 1: [annoyed] It is established Vermoric Law that all legal representatives must be accompanied in court by secondary, potentially disagree-able representatives.
SERENA: Why?!
[[SFX: More loud gasps from the crowd]]
A 2: Court decorum is clear: raising your voice above the conversational limit of 70 Loudness Units is strictly forbidden, Miss Blade.
A 3: Miss Blade. Left to their own devices, all lawyers are liars, and so they must be checked by secondary parties whose sole responsibility is to contradict them should they attempt to skirt the law. Vermian Codex 110-452.
A 1: You may also find it valuable to know, Counselor Blade, that on this planet, we take the law very seriously. And the punishment for mis-handeling a case is: Death.
SERENA: I—( Clears throat)— just… one sec.
[[SFX: SERENA marches to the back of the room and angrily whispers in someone's ear. She is initially met with some resistance but the being relents and they both walk back to the defendant's table.]]
DIPODIL: Your Honorous Trinity, I am, um, Dipodil Bejub, and I will be the acting Con-Council for the case.
A 1: Very well. Counselor Blade, you were saying?
SERENA: We would like to plead that this is all a misunderstanding.
A 1: Contradictory Council, does the evidence as you understand it concur with the defense?
DIPODIL: No your honorous, at present Feston Pyxis seems, uh, fully culpable.
SERENA: WHAT THE--
[[SFX: Gavel bangs.]]
A 2: Then this trinity pronounces the case escalated. The trial is set for 2 solar days from now when we will hear evidence and pronounce sentencing.
[[SFX: Gavel bangs, Vermians start scuttling and murmuring out of the courtroom.]]
SERENA: [whispered yelling] Are you serious?!
DIPODIL: Now you can see why I was so nervous, the stakes are high in Vermian Law! And, between you and me, I totally forgot to, um, hire a con-council, so you really saved me there, partner.
[[Music: Cool piano jazz.]]
SERENA: Seffra Zai... Okay, here's what we're going to do: you're going to take me to the law, or the counter-law , or the whatever library and show me all the books there are on Property Destruction, and you're going to teach me everything I need to know about Vermoric Law, so I don't kak up this case and get killed! Because that is apparently a thing that could happen!
DIPODIL: Bringing the law to an off-worlder, what a day! Come with me.
SERENA: Once I get Feston out of this, I'm gonna kill him...
[[SFX: SERENA runs off following DIPODIL, who scuttled away excitedly.]]
>>SCENE 04:
[[SFX: The holding cell.]]
FESTON: So there I am, locked behind an impenetrable force field with nothing but a kitchen knife! Eat or be eaten. Suffice it to say, that mega-beetle met its match that day, poor guy.
KLUTCH: You've really been around, little man!
FESTON: Boy, have I! What about you? Planning on taking a vacation any time soon? There's a pretty cool quantum-sea-mander on Planet Vadal.
KLUTCH: Eh, we don't travel much down here.
FESTON: Why not?
KLUTCH: It's expensive. The energy storms make travel pretty regulated and risky. So we mostly keep to our own planet. But maybe one day.
[[SFX: The power to the facility cuts out.]]
KLUTCH: Oh, (shucks) traps, power's out again.
FESTON: Happens a lot?
[[SFX: KLUTCH opens a wall panel and starts flipping breakers.]]
[[Music: Upbeat saxophone.]]
KLUTCH: Recently, ya. Happened yesterday too. Something keeps shortin' out the system, old wiring or somethin'. It's hard to get new equipment planet-side so when stuff starts to go, well--
FESTON: Um, far be it from me to insult your home planet or whatever, but… This sucks!
KLUTCH: Huh?
FESTON: Do you not see what’s happening here? From what I knew about it, Vermoric is supposed to be this idyllic underground super-law utopia! But you're all just being held captive by electrical phenomena and price gouging travel agents! We gotta do something about this, Klutch!
KLUTCH: Well, it has been a little somber down here in the domes, lately. But I think you've got some bigger problems to worry about, don't you little man?
FESTON: Right…
>>SCENE 05:
SERENA: [reading w/o enthusiasm] --Which adheres to the Rhipidomis Principle of Shared Culpability. In the course of discovery, if the evidence points in fact to no particular source of the incurred damages, Rhipidomis might also be invoked—
[[SFX: A large, old book slams shut.]]
SERENA: ...Ugh, What am I doing? These books are total gibberish!
DIPODIL: Oh! First Lesson in Vermian Law: in the court-room, there is no use of the words starting in the letter 'g'.
SERENA: ...Are you serious?
DIPODIL: Or 'j'! Vermians find the sounds pedestrian and, well, unbefitting of legal proceedings.
SERENA: Helpful to know. What do we have so far?
DIPODIL: Nothing.
SERENA: ...Well then at least I’m up to speed.
DIPODIL: I'm sorry, I do wish I could be more help, but the law is very clear. And, unfortunately for your friend, when one’s entire society exists in fragile, subterranean habitats, they take property destruction very seriously.
SERENA: No, I'm sorry. I appreciate you taking the job-- without you we'd be sunk already. I'm just a little confused about where we're supposed to start.
DIPODIL: I am happy to be difficult if that will make things easier.
[[SFX: Proxy bloips in.]]
[[Music: Pink Panther-style interrogation.]]
PROXY: Might I suggest starting with your first witness?
SERENA: Who’s that, Proxy?
PROXY: Me. Afterall, my system contains records of the moments leading up to the crash. If Feston is innocent, surely we can find proof there.
SERENA: Great idea. Dipodil, question Proxy.
DIPODIL: What? Me??? But I’m just con-council.
SERENA: And what better way to make sure her testimony holds up in court? You’re on.
DIPODIL: Oh… um… (very nervous) Okay then, eh hem… Proxy, are you the onboard computer operating the…
[[SFX: Dipodil checks notes.]]
DIPODIL: QCS 25 Kappa Series, running the tags The StarTripper?
PROXY: No.
DIPODIL: ...No? (between you and me) Proxy, when testifying in a court hearing you’ll have to tell the truth.
PROXY: But I am not the onboard computer, Dipodil.
DIPODIL: You’re...not?
PROXY: I am an integrated program operating inside the ship’s computer to better assist its occupants. This is why I am referred to as an IA instead of merely an AI.
[Beat.]
DIPODIL: (speechless) Okay. Um… Can you confirm that preceding The StarTripper’s crash, the defendant was piloting the ship.
PROXY: I cannot.
DIPODIL: Well then who was?
PROXY: No one.
DIPODIL: Proxy, um, someone must have been piloting the ship.
PROXY: That is incorrect. Due to electrical surge damage from the storm, I was forced to place The StarTripper in “Safe-Mode”.
DIPODIL: Was the defendant, Feston Pyxis, piloting the ship, and therefore responsible for the crash?
PROXY: No.
DIPODIL: No?! What do you mean no??
PROXY: I was also piloting the ship.
DIPODIL: ….Alright, Proxy. While I appreciate your honesty and don’t doubt the validity of your statements. We don’t prosecute AI’s or… IA’s or any other kind of high tech computer things I don’t really understand on Vermoric. So, I will reiterate, was Feston Pyxis piloting, or co-piloting, the ship prior to the initiation of safe-mode.
PROXY: Yes.
DIPODIL: Good! And was it during this preliminary time that Feston Pyxis steered or helped steer the QCS 25 Kappa Series called The StarTripper into an energy storm around the planet of Vermoric.
PROXY: Yes.
DIPODIL: Despite being warned by Vermoric’s emergency storm alert system, that the area was not safe to fly in!
SERENA: Wait, what did you say?
[[MUSIC: Shift to cyber jazz.]]
DIPODIL: Oh, I was finishing, um, finishing my point about ownership of guilt. I was really, kind of on a roll actually--
SERENA: No, about an Alert System! We never got an alert!
DIPODIL: Well that seems unlikely considering how import--
SERENA: Proxy, you’re my hero! Dipodil, where's the Storm Warning System operated?
DIPODIL: Dome 83, but--
SERENA: Great! Get your coat, we're going on a little adventure. Take that, “Robust Legal System.”
>>SCENE 06:
[[SFX: FESTON snores & sleep talks in his cell.]]
FESTON: [in his sleep] You have to fill that out in triplicate… No, I don’t wanna jump in the jello…
[[SFX: A door bursts open, waking FESTON, and a stream of media reporters led by FLERNICK skitter and scuffle in. Flashbulbs go off.]]
FLERNICK: Here's the ruffian, relaxing in his comfortable cell laying on a bed of your tax dollars!
FESTON: Wha-- What's goin' on?
FLERNICK: [low, to Feston] Just telling the public who you are. [to the Reporters] This criminal has shown total disregard for the safety of our community, and I can only hope that at tomorrow's trial, our Adjudicating Trinity will throw the book at him!
[[SFX: FORKS approaches with his own media crew.]]
FORKS: --And here’s the hooligan, relaxin’ in his comfortable cell laying’ on a bed of-- Flernick! Stealing my ideas again, huh?! You can't get anything the fair way!
FLERNICK: My fellow Vermians! May I introduce my other opponent in the court of law, Pendri Forks asserts that damage clearly done to my side of the dome is actually on his property.
FORKS: Daalo Flernick is a liar, a cheat, and in court tomorrow I'm going to wipe the floor with him and this young flying ne’er-do-well!
[[SFX: They start to wrestle.]]
FLERNICK: How dare you call me a cheat! I won that game fair and square!
FORKS: You let go of me right now you cheat!
[[SFX: Flashbulbs popping.]]
FESTON: [cutting through the din] Hey! Do I get a say in this? [No response.] The Vermian people are being cheated out of a life of freedom! You all deserve better than you're getting!...Hello? [NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION, SIGH] Alright, travelers, I'll guess see you in court.
[[Music: Upbeat.]]
>>SCENE 07:
[[SFX: Court hubbub. FESTON walks with shackles.]]
FESTON: Welcome back everyone, it's trial day, and I'm currently being escorted into the courtroom by my good buddy, Klutch! Say hi, Klutch.
KLUTCH: Hey.
FESTON: Being of few words, everyone. Okay, wish me luck!
[[SFX: The ADJUDICATING TRINITY space-gaveling court into session. FESTON walks over to the defense table, landing next to SERENA. The audience takes their seats.]]
A 1: The accused has arrived, we may begin the session.
FESTON: [to SERENA] Hey! Cool robes, very chic.
SERENA: [scoffs] They're legal robes I have to wear to follow court regulations. How are you always so chipper?
FESTON: ‘Cuz I trust my lawyer?
[[SFX: Gavel.]]
A 2: Silence in the courtroom!!
A 3: Prosecuting Council for Pendri Forks, state your case.
FORKS ATTORNEY: On Vermoric Calendar Day 16-41, the accused, Feston Pyxis, host of a middling travel program, ignored Vermian Law and the universal laws of safety when he burst through the protective dome located solely on my client's property line. We request he incur the maximum sentence of life imprisonment, and that all compensatory funds be awarded to my client, Pendri Forks.
A 3: Very well, and the council for Daalo Flernick.
FLERNICK ATTORNEY: Our statement is identical, with request instead for funds awarded to Daalo Flernick, as the damage was in fact on his property.
A 1: Contradictory Representatives?
FLERNICK CON-COUNCIL: As far as we can tell the damage is to both plaintiff's property equally.
FORKS CON-COUNCIL: I concur with the opposing con-representative.
ADJUDICATOR 2: Defending Council?
[[SFX: SERENA stands.]]
SERENA: Honorous Adjuticatorial Trinity. My client is accused of flying his spacecraft recklessly through a habitation dome, causing costly damage & and endangering lives. And though it may shock the court... I admit that my client, Feston Pyxis, was involved in the acts of which he is accused.
[[SFX: A gasp from the crowd.]]
SERENA: However! My client did so only because he was forced to react to a state of total emergency. A state caused by none other than the municipality of Vermoric itself! —
[[SFX: More gasps.]]
SERENA: — I have proof that Vermoric's Orbital Storm Alert System was inactive at the time preceding the crash, in effect luring my client into, excuse the pun, a perfect storm. And that, for its negligence, the responsible party is in fact The People of Vermoric, and the defendant is not g--
DIPODIL: [whispering] --Unh unh--
SERENA: --responsible!
[[SFX: Jeers from the crowd.]]
A 2: Well, Miss Blade, it would appear we've underestimated you. Your evidence?
FESTON: [whispering] You're nailing this!
SERENA: The Defense calls Vermoric Sector 83 employees, Toomie Warg and Chela Mackidna, to the stand.
[[SFX: At the back of the room, doors swing open and two small beings amble towards the stand.]]
SERENA: Toomie and Chela, where were you both on Vermoric Calendar Day 16-39?
TOOMIE: [nervous] We were at work, operating the Vermoric Orbitoral Storm Alert System.
CHELA: It's overseen by government employees in two-person shifts.
[[SFX: Serena slaps a piece of paper on the table.]]
SERENA: This is a record of the Alert System's activities on the day in question. But as you can see, there is no record of a warning being broadcast.
A 1: Con-council?
DIPODIL: I-It's verified, your honorous.
SERENA: So, Chela, Toomie, you were in charge at the time, why was there no alarm?
TOOMIE: Um... well...You see...
CHELA: [can't take it anymore] We're in love, okay? We've fallen for each other, and on the day in question we abandoned our posts and were in the supply closet together. And we're sorry about the damage, we truly are, but you know what? I would do it again!
TOOMIE: Yeah! And the truth is, that system doesn't even work half the time! You hit the alert button and all the power goes out! Can you blame us for not taking the job as seriously when it's basically falling apart?
[[SFX: Stunned silence.]]
A 2: Transcribor, strike the word… job from the record. Toomie Warg, Chela Mackidna, you are speaking over the allotted loudness unit and using pedestrian word sounds. However, since you are emotional we will make an exception this once.
TOOMIE & CHELA: Thank you, Adjudicator...
SERENA: Uh, I... rest my case. I think.
A 2: In light of these... stunning revelations, the Adjudicators will break for a recess to discuss protocol. Legal teams adjourn to court reading rooms and wait for our return.
[[SFX: Gavel bangs.]]
[[Music: Contemplative .]]
>>SCENE 08:
[[SFX: SERENA pacing. A clock on the wall ticks loudly.]]
SERENA: Ugh, it's been an hour, what do you think they're talking about?
DIPODIL: Presumably, they are giving the prosecutorial teams time to catch up. [re: Toomi & Chela] Change their legal requests...
SERENA: I know, I feel bad about them, too. I was assuming a government plot? Maybe some light negligence but not gross negligence.
[[SFX: books shuffling on the other side of the room.]]
SERENA: Feston, what are you doing with those?
FESTON: Well, in light of a very strange weekend, I find myself in a reading room for one of the most famous judicial systems in the galaxy. So, I'm reading. How bad do we think it's going to be for Toomie and Chela?
DIPODIL: Well, it could go two ways: 'crumbling infrastructure' is a pretty unpopular issue with Vermians so it is possible Flernick and Forks actually don't charge them at all, which would be good. But then they'd probably be going after Feston on some lesser charges, so that could be bad.
FESTON: ...I'm gonna go back to reading.
[[SFX: The intercom crackles on.]]
A 1: Council and Parties for case 6-84B, The People of Vermoric v. Feston Pyxis, return to chambers immediately.
SERENA: Kak... let's go.
[[SFX: SERENA and DIPODIL leave the room, as FESTON flips a page in the logs.]]
FESTON: Ya, ya once sec… [lands on a page] Huh, well isn’t this interesting...
>>SCENE 09:
[[SFX: Gavel bangs.]]
A 2: In light of the Defense's new, persuasive, evidence- we see two ways forward. Waiving the current suit against Mr. Pyxis and establishing a new hearing with the relevant parties, or continuing the case. The court will accept either option.
FLERNICK ATTORNEY: Thank you, your honorous. Based on the evidence presented, the prosecution would like to continue these proceedings, but adjust the complaints against Feston Pyxis to the lesser charges of “Violation of Landing Protocol” and “Accidental Destruction of Property.”
[[SFX: Jeers from the crowd.]]
DIPODIL: [low, to Serena] Still not great, they'll be angling for some kind of settlement from Feston...
[[SFX: Gavel bangs.]]
A 2: Propriety! We will have propriety in these chambers.
A 3: Defending Council, proceed.
SERENA: Okay...um..
FESTON: [whispering to Serena] Serena, put me on the stand.
SERENA: Really?
FESTON: Yep.
[[SFX: SERENA stands]]
SERENA: In response to these new charges, The Defense calls Feston Pyxis to the stand!
[[SFX: Gasp from the room. FESTON walks up and gets in the box.]]
A 3: The Prosecution for Mr. Forks may ask the first question.
FORKS ATTORNEY: Mr. Pyxis, is it true your obsession with creating exciting content for your travel podcast caused you to act irresponsibly when passing--
FESTON: I'm gonna stop you right there. Sorry, hi everyone, I'm Feston Pyxis, and I just wanted to apologize really quickly to Mxs. Flernick and Forks. Damaging your properties was a total accident, and I'd really like to help in whatever way I can.
DIPODIL: What's he doing?
SERENA: I have no idea...
FESTON: And this isn't Toomie and Chela's fault, I mean which of us hasn't felt the pangs of love in the workplace before, am I right? I said this before, but, now that everyone's actually listening: I really think you Vermians are getting a raw deal down here.
[[SFX: Outrage from the crowd.]]
FESTON: I was reading your legal cases during recess, and they've set precedents that have traveled all the way to my home world. I mean, that's a tremendous legal system, and I think it, and you all, deserve more than to be dome-locked down here by travel restrictions and bad wiring.
FLERNICK ATTORNEY: Well, that's all well and good, Mr. Pyxis, but regardless of your ideals, who do you think is responsible for all of Mxs. Flernick and Forks’ damage?
FESTON: Well, Mxs. Flernick and Forks, actually.
[[SFX: GASPS]]
FESTON: You see, the other thing I found when I was reading old cases, was this one from about 10 cycles ago.
[[SFX: FESTON opens a bound legal volume and reads.]]
FESTON: [clears throat] "Case 4-61E: Daalo Flernick v. Pendri Forks concerning ownership of F+F Municipal Wiring Repair. The court concludes a legal stale-mate in the case, due to the persistent fist fights between Mxs. Flernick and Forks that break decorum and impede its ability to run effectively." That's why everything's falling apart, right? Because your community's main repair service is locked in a legal dispute!
[[SFX: Supportive sounds from the crowd.]]
SERENA: [jumping in] And it would stand to reason, no other parties have attempting to fill the position, because of the plaintiffs' legal reputations!
DIPODIL: Oh oh oh! Defending Con-Council confirms the potential validity of these assertions!
[[SFX: More supportive cheers. A gavel suppresses them.]]
FESTON: Mx. Forks, Mx. Flernick, I don't know what happened in that game of Grand Helix all those cycles ago, but I think you used to be friends. You're clearly both beings of strong conviction and followthrough, I bet you were a great team! Why are you wasting that on pettiness when you could be helping your people. This is just a pitch, but I think you two should run for public office!
[[SFX: A beat of silence, then the courtroom erupts in applause.]]
A 1: Propriety! We will have-- oh screw it, [over the din] I pronounce the case a miss-trial! Feston Pyxis, you are free to go!
[[SFX: Even More Cheers. FESTON walks over to the defense table.]]
SERENA: Well you really pulled it out there, Mr. Pyxis.
FESTON: Well, I had a really good lawyer. Thank you. Should we go get our ship out of impound?
SERENA: Hell yes. [calling over her shoulder] Hey Dipodil! Looks like you won your first case, congratulations.
DIPODIL: Wooooowoo! I've gotta call my progenitor!
[[Music: Positive.]]
>>SCENE 10:
FESTON: Well travelers, another exciting adventure! It's been a few days since the trial and you'll be happy to know The StarTripper is totally repaired, as is the storm warning system, so we're on the launch pad about to take off!
[[SFX: comm bloop.]]
PROXY: Ready to fly, and feeling good!
SERENA: Strap in Pyxis, I'm piloting this time.
[[SFX: FESTON clicks in his safety belt.]]
FESTON: Oh, also! I think you'll be happy to know that I heard this on the Wave this morning.
[[SFX: FESTON click turns the knob of his wave player to tune up an ad.]]
FLERNICK: Come on down to Vermoric Dome 83 for the Grand Re-Opening of F+F Municipal Electrical Repair! Discounts on all past-due servicing!
FORKS: That's right, we've reopened, for all your repair needs. And don't stop there, come on down to Municipal Park 76-32E this rec-period and show your support for our new Campaign for Heads of City Council: That’s Forks & Flernick!
FLERNICK: Ha! I think you mean Flernick and Forks!
FORKS: Haha, no I mean Forks and Flernick
FLERNICK: That’s Flernick and Forks—
[[SFX: FESTON cranks the dial down and chuckles.]]
FESTON: Some things never change. Well everyone, take care of each other, because in the end what else is there. Until next time--
SERENA: Launch in 3...2...1!
[[SFX: Rockets Ignite, sending the Startripper into rapid acceleration.]]
FESTON: OOOOON STARTRIPPEEEERR!!!
End
CREDITS: StarTripper!! was created by Julian Mundy, hey that’s me! And produced by Mischa Stanton, Ian McQuown, and me.
“The People of Vermoric v. Feston Pyxis” was written and directed by Ian McQuown; with a story by yours truly; sound design by Mischa Stanton; and performances by Ian McQuown as Feston, Sierra Shay as Proxy, Sammi Lappin as Serena, Nick Smith as Flernick, Chris Smith as Forks, Dan Prevette as Klutch, and Lisette Alvarez as Dipodil, Kristen DiMercurio, Felix Trench & Julia Morizawa as the Adjuticatorial Trinity, Erin Matthews as Toomie, Jon Eidson as Chela, and Brad Wilcox, Gabe Nunez, Leif Erickson & Cassie O’Donnell as Flernick and Forks’s various counselors and con-counselors. Recorded at a safe social distance with production help from Lauren Shippen and Evan Cunningham. Music by Ketsa. For more, check out ketsamusic.com. Additional music this episode by Jahzzar.
Check us out on the Wave at StarTripperHQ.com for transcripts and links to subscribe on your podbank of choice, or on social media @StarTripperHQ where we love sharing fan art and other show-related stuff. Need the most recent show announcements or updates? Our Twitter feed is the best place to look.
If you want to support the show, you can find us on Patreon. That’s Patreon.com/StarTripper. Even a regular $1 pledge helps us immensely to keep making cool shows for you, which we would love to keep doing. Thank you for flying with us; and now, this week’s StarTrip Survival Tip:
If the sound of your ship’s default alarm is too jarring, try setting it to a more pleasant tone. It won’t solve your problem but it might stress you out a little less while dealing with it.