015: Drifting Like Spores

produced by Julian Mundy, Mischa Stanton & Ian McQuown
written & Directed By Ian McQuown
Story by Julian Mundy
sound design by Mischa Stanton
[BACK]

[[INTRO]]

[[MUSIC: “Wild Plain”]]

--SCENE 01:

[[SFX: The StarTripper bridge. We enter mid-conversation.]]

SERENA: I'm telling you, we're going on that ship.

FESTON: Normally, I'd be super with you. But, hellooo, spooky abandoned Cruiser and clearly foreign pod docked, but not answering comms? None of this is a red flag?

SERENA: Ugh. [into comms] Kor’Tess Cruiser 331, please respond if you are in need of assistance.

FESTON: I'm telling you, they're scavengers! [Then] Hello Travelers, and welcome back to, STARTRIPPER! Serena and I are just having a little disagreement about boarding a ship clearly filled with looters.

SERENA: Proxy, what do you think?

[[SFX: PROXY comms comes to life.]]

PROXY: The heat signature of the smaller vessel is cold, if they are scavengers, it would seem they have stayed longer than expected.

SERENA: Someone could be in trouble.

PROXY: Traveler's code dictates we lend a hand to potentially marooned voyagers.

SERENA: THANK you! Proxy, please begin a docking sequence.

FESTON: You're joking, right!? I mean, Traveler’s Code? That sounds made-up.

[[SFX: Proxy does sheepish 'negative' bloop.]]

FESTON: Oh my gosh! Mutiny! [Then] Well you know what this means, Travelers. Creepy Abandoned Ship Adventure! Serena, lend me a weapon!

SERENA: …You're not touching any of my weapons.

FESTON: Come oooooon, I'm out of charges for my blaster. They're hard to find... [quietly] It's vintage...

SERENA: Here, you can take this flashlight.

FESTON: Ugh. Man, two mutinies in one day, Travelers. Being a Starship Captain is not what it used to be.

SERENA: Yeah, but it’s a big flashlight.

PROXY: On approach vector-- oh.

[[MUSIC: Ominous.]]

SERENA: What do you see, Prox?

PROXY: The bay doors appear to have been hacked open.

FESTON: See?? Looters! I'm telling y--

PROXY: Apologies... I mean to say torn open. By something large it seems. It appears The Startripper is going to be able to bi-pass force docking and fly right into the cargo bay...

FESTON: Well you know what this means… Time to wear our new space suits!

[[SFX: Feston opens a hatch on deck and pulls out two very rubbery space suits.]]

FESTON: Aren't these great? They're authentic, functioning, Phase Gravely replicas from my 3rd favorite adventure: Phase Gravely and the Tomb of So-Larr Noize. I got 'em on a great deal, too!

SERENA: Yeah, exactly what I want in a spacesuit: “affordable replica.” 

FESTON: What, and you’re not gonna wear the suit that saved Phase Gravely’s life in So-Larr Noize’s sonic torture chamber?

SERENA: That was made up by a writer, you goof!

PROXY: Landing sequence initiated.

[[SFX: The ship’s landing sounds.]]

[[MUSIC: Good vibes.]]

--SCENE 02:

FESTON: [Through Spacesuit Comm’s.] Alright listeners, we're dropping onto the cargo bay floor, looking very cool I might add. Stay alert. Flashlight on a swivel.

SERENA: [pulling a wedgie] Ugh, I can’t believe you sent our regular suits off for repair! This kakking thing is bunching...

FESTON: They accentuate the thighs. Phase had great thighs.

SERENA: I think there’s atmosphere behind this door. Feston, help me get it open.

[[SFX: The heavy cargo bay door buckles as they pull it open. Atmosphere rushes past them as Feston and Serena move in and close the door behind them, locking it.]]

SERENA: It's quiet...

FESTON: Ya, and what's this stuff in the air?

SERENA: What stuff?

FESTON: Here, look in the light. Little floating particles, see?

[[SFX: Proxy’s comm’s bloop and as she runs diagnostics.]]

PROXY: Starting analysis. Periodic aperture checks of your suits might be wise, instruments and air filtration could be affected.

[[SFX: packing crates fall on the far side of the cargo bay and a creature skitters away.]]

SERENA: [military mode] Unidentified creature. Follow me.

[[MUSIC: Dungeon.]]

FESTON: Just make sure it’s not a stray SynthoPet before you… y'know.

SERENA: Entering Bay Corridor. I need some light up here.

FESTON: Gotcha.

[[SFX: They move from the open-ness of the cargo bay into a much echo-ier connecting hallway.]]

SERENA: No visual yet. Approaching the end of the corridor.

PROXY: [through static] Feston, Serena, my analysis of the floating particles has produced an interesting result. They appear to be-

SERENA: [stopping] Spores...

[[SFX: The shivers and shimmers of living vegetation.]]
[[MUSIC: Wondrous & floaty,]]

FESTON: Whoa-- Serena, wanna describe what we're seeing for our listeners at home?

SERENA: There's fungus over pretty much everything. Different colors and textures. 'Ship's electrical is down, but large patches of green moss on the ceiling and walls are glowing. It's... (beautiful)

[[SFX: a ceiling panel falls far right.]]

SERENA: Let's move.

[[SFX: FESTON & SERENA run down the larger thoroughfare towards the clatter. Stopping abruptly as we start to hear crunching and tearing as well was the sound of boots swinging/ banging on similar ceiling panels.]]

SERENA: [whispered] Hold position.

FESTON: Ew listeners, we are watching a pair of legs getting pulled into an open ceiling panel and-- well I think you can hear the chewing. Poor whoever’s still wearing their space-suit...

[[SFX: Just then, footsteps run up them.]]

FESTON: [realizing] On our six!

[[SFX: SERENA spins around and pulls her sword.]]

SERENA: Don't take another step.

ZETTIMER: Woah, there! I come in peace! Did you see it?

FESTON: See what? Oh, the creature? Ya, it's right over... there... Well, it was right over there...

SERENA: State your name.

ZETTIMER: Ha! Sorry, I am Zettimer Zaptol. Adventure Xenologist on expedition! Sent to investigate the shutdown of this fine vessel.

SERENA: So you're the docked pod. Why didn't you answer your comm’s?

ZETTIMER: Oh, I'm sorry I missed you. Long range comm’s don't work this far inside the spore cloud.

SERENA: Well, I don’t love that news.

FESTON: [testing] Ugh…Proxy?

[[SFX: Static.]]

FESTON: [concerned] Hmmph...

SERENA: How dangerous is this place?

ZETTIMER: Well, no more than usual, my dear. When you're an adventurer, you're never far from the next scrape if you know what I mean. I have been hired by the Kor'Tess High Council to uncover the mystery of this vessel's destruction and study the creature that is now residing here. I have deemed it a "Fungoid" as it appears to be mainly mycoformic in nature

FESTON: It was eating someone.

ZETTIMER: Unlikely. I'm the only one aboard.

FESTON: Well--

SERENA: Well we only boarded because we thought a rescue was needed. We'll head back to our ship and get out of your--

[[SFX: the ceiling panel closest to the group is smashed and the creature, screech-roaring violently, bursts down onto our heroes. It is large, like a bear. The gang jumps out of the way.]]

[[MUSIC: Floaty battle music.]]

SERENA: Clear away!

ZETT: The game is afoot! /

FESTON: Really coulda used a weapon!

[[SFX: SERENA re-powers up her blade and takes a swing at the beast, which angers it. They are in a growly standoff.]]

FESTON: Listeners, it's pretty hard to describe what I'm seeing: think, a blood-thirsty monster about the size of maffalo but totally made a fungus. It's really... yuck...

ZETTIMER: [running towards Feston] No time for that boy, help me set up the containment field!

[[SFX: ZETTIMER takes off his adventure pack and pulls out several metal tripod things, handing one to FESTON. SERENA swings again, missing and hitting the floor, more roars from the fungoid.]]

ZETTIMER: Here! Set this up 20 paces that way, blue button, then green button. Go!

FESTON: [running] Okay, 20 paces, blue, then green. 20 paces 

[[SFX: FESTON gets there, opens and places the metal tripod.]]

FESTON: ...blue button.. then green button. Done!

[[SFX: The tripod powers up.]]

ZETTIMER: Excellent! Now get behind something!

FESTON: Serena, help is on the way!

SERENA: Hold on! I've... GOTCHA!

[[SFX: SERENA gets the perfect swing in and slashes the beast right down the middle. A moment; SERENA breathes hard. Then both halves of the beast start to move and screech independently.]]

SERENA: No kakking way...

ZETTIMER: The beast is now two beasts, how intriguing...

[[SFX: SERENA swings her blade once again with a grunt, another direct hit, this time horizontally through the midsections. Same deal, they tear, a moment, and then four beasts start to shriek and battle.]]

SERENA: You gotta be kidding me.

ZETTIMER: Now there's three of them!

FESTON: Stop cutting!

SERENA: You think?!

[[SFX: The low groan of a floor about to buckle right under SERENA. Everything stops.]]

SERENA: Yep... definitely should have stayed on the shiiiiiip!--

[[SFX: --The floor caves in, taking SERENA and the three mini beasts with it. SERENA’s voice and the beast screeching echo down the cavern as they fall.]]

FESTON: SERENA!

[[SFX: FESTON runs to the edge of the hole.]]

FESTON: (into comms) Serena?

[[SFX: Static.]]

FESTON: Kak. Serena, don’t worry, I’m coming! I’m…

[[SFX: Feston steps forward, knocking a loose bolt down to clatter into the shaft and away.]]

FESTON: [freaked out] Seffra Zai, that’s a long way down.

ZETTIMER: [putting his hand on Feston's shoulder] Don't worry my boy, we'll find her.

[[MUSIC: Mysterious.]]

--SCENE 03:

[[SFX: The blown-out lab deck, a large chamber unrecognizable under the fungus. SERENA stirs, the moss ripping and squishing as she moves. She sits up and pulls her sword close to her.]]

SERENA: [groans] Oh my head...

[[SFX: There's a crunch of footfall behind her. She picks up her sword and takes a defensive crouch.]]

SERENA: Don't even think about it.

[[SFX: The FUNGOID still has a screeching way of communicating, but it's much more docile now. If it was yelling before, now it's just speaking.]]

FUNGOID: *You've fallen, are you okay?*

SERENA: Where are the other two of you?

FUNGOID: *We have rejoined as one*

SERENA: Sorry, didn't catch that. I'm going to be leaving now.

FUNGOID: [taking a step] *Wait, wait!*

SERENA: [backing away] Watch it...

FUNGOID: *No, no.*

[[SFX: The FUNGOID grows a flower puff from its right "arm" or reaches inside itself or something, the wood stretching & splitting 'Groot' style.]]

FUNGOID: *Here.*

SERENA: Oh. You grew a flower puff... for me?

FUNGOID: *Mmhmm*

SERENA: Well... thank you. It's very--

[[SFX: The puff stretches and then pops.]]

SERENA: Spores, spores!!

[[MUSIC: blare]]

--SCENE 04:

[[SFX: Jogging footsteps on squishy moss.]]

FESTON: This way!

ZETTIMER: How do you know where you're going??

FESTON: Phase Gravely 7: Two World Order takes place on an old Kor'Tess Science cruiser–unh!–just like this one! And if I know Phase Gravely 7 even half as well as I think I do, Serena fell towards the Lab Deck. Help me with this hatch, it’s grown over.

[[SFX: FESTON opens the hatch, tearing the thick layer of fungus that was covering it. He clicks on his flashlight.]]

ZETTIMER: Smashing logic, son! [[SFX: cutting through a tendril]] Look, the deeper we go, the more tenacious, becomes the fungus. I'd bet we're headed straight to the source of all this.

[[SFX: The crawl into the service hatch and continue on hands and knees.]]

FESTON: Come on Serena, just don't get eaten a little bit longer. Right turn!

ZETTIMER: [calling back] Oh! She's in no danger of being eaten.

FESTON: But we saw a pair of legs being eaten--

ZETTIMER: The suit, my boy! The Fungoid feeds on fabric. What you saw was an empty space suit, no doubt. Hahah!

[[SFX: Zett cuts another vine.]]

FESTON: Oh! Wow, you're really great, do you get that a lot?

ZETTIMER: What do you mean? Hahah!

[[SFX: Zett cuts another vine.]]

FESTON: Well you're out here all alone, it seems pretty dangerous, but you're not afraid or worried-- you're a bonafide Space Adventurer. Like Phase!

ZETT: Pah! What is life without a little danger, my boy? I've always wanted to make my mark on the universe. Atahaha! [[SFX: He cuts another vine.]] and I doubt I'm going to do it being worried about some bumps and bruises.

FESTON: SO cool. Seriously. You know what? I'm not afraid of bumps and bruises either, second guessing be kak'd! Oh, really quick though: SUIT APERTURE CHECK?

SUIT: SUIT SYSTEMS NOMINAL.

FESTON: Yippee! Adventure!

[[MUSIC: Ominous dungeon.]]

--SCENE 05:

[[SFX: Serena’s suit alarms blare and the hyper fast growth of fungus.]]

SUIT: AIR PURIFICATION SYSTEM OVERLOADED. SYSTEM SHUTDOWN IMMINENT.

[[SFX: SERENA trying to breathe calmly, quickly  inputting commands on her wrist display.]]

SERENA: Re-route all power to the Intake Scrubbers.

FUNGOID: *You're not in any danger*

SERENA: BACK. AWAY. Ugh, hard to see through the fungus.

[[SFX: SERENA tries to wipe it away from her visor, but it's too slimy.]]

SUIT: ATMOSPHERIC SCRUBBERS OVERLOADED. BEGINNING SYSTEM RESET.

SERENA: No no no. [taking a deep breath and holding it]

SUIT: FUNGAL SPORES DETECTED IN INTERIOR ATMOSPHERE. SYSTEM... SHUTTING...DOwn…

[[SFX: Silence as SERENA tries to hold her breath, tension rising, until finally:a big gasp for air, then, tentatively, a couple more.]]

SERENA: ...I'm okay?

[[SFX: Suit systems whirring back to life.]]

SUIT: SYSTEM REBOOTED, ATMOSPHERIC SCRUBBERS NON-OPERATIONAL, ALL OTHER SYSTEMS NOMINAL.

SERENA: Well that's a relie--

[[SFX: The iconic cartoon stomach gurgle sound that precedes either a bathroom or drug trip.]]

SERENA: Okay, now I don't feel so good.

[[MUSIC: Cool, psychedelic.]]

SERENA: Oooh no...

FUNGOID: [speaking Common, very intelligently] Hello? Do you understand us?

SERENA: [giggly] Whoa, when did you start speaking Common?

FUNGOID: Our spores are translating inside your head.

SERENA: Cool… You're so many different colors, do you know that?

[[MUSIC: Grand, wondrous.]]

FUNGOID: We are Bembiflexolia. Formerly, a mycological test subject on this vessel no larger than a test tube. When we were damaged in the asteroid storm, the ship's di-tanium core exploded, taking with it the entire engine room and several decks on either side. Making the cavernous space in which you now stand...

SERENA: Wooow.

BEMBI: Many perished. Some fled in escape pods. After which, we believe a reactive element in the asteroids caused our test tube, the lab fungus, and the dead... to become a new consciousness. And we need your help.

SERENA: That's so sad, Bembi. I can't believe you've been out here all alone. And after a that tragedy, it's just--

[[SFX: A nearby hatch way bursts open.]]

ZETTIMER: Unhand her, beast!

SERENA: What?

BEMBI: The hunter.

FESTON: Serena!

BEMBI: WE PROTECT OUR HOME. 

[[SFX: With a roar, rapid plant growth comes out of the floor and walls, breaking metal.]]

FESTON: Okay, big scary fungus tentacles. Not good.

ZETTIMER: Focus, boy!

[[SFX: ZETIMER tosses his pack to FESTON.]] 

ZETTIMER: I'll fend off the fungoid, you set up containment! 3 markers, 20 paces, Blue, Green. [to Bembi] Here I am, big boy! Come and get me!

BEMBI: [roars, tries to smash something with a tentacle]

[[MUSIC: Action.]]

FESTON: [unzipping the pack] Right. First tripod.

[[SFX: He places it on the deck and presses a button. He starts running, tentacles whip cracking and ZETTIMER pulling off feats of dodging in the distance.]]

FESTON: 20 Paces. There. Um... Blue. Green.

[[SFX: SERENA’s blade slides off the floor.]]

FESTON: Huh? Serena! You okay?

SERENA: Kinda sorta little woozy, but I'm working with it. Come on, we gotta help Bembi! 

[[SFX: She takes off; FESTON runs after her.]]

FESTON: Who?! 

SERENA: The fungoid's name is Bembi. They dosed me with spores so I could understand them.

FESTON: Ok wait, I'm supposed to set up this last marker to help--

[[SFX: WHAP! A huge tentacle freight-trains FESTON. He bounces across the floor, unconscious]]

FESTON: Ooof.

SERENA: Feston??

[[SFX: Calm footsteps approach.]]

ZETTIMER: I've got him. [reaching into the pack] Don't worry, dear boy, I'll revive you later. I've got a discovery to catch.

[[SFX: ZETTIMER pulls out the final containment marker. places it on the ground and presses the two buttons.The field activates instantly, creating a force field around SERENA and BEMBI. SERENA checks the field with a couple bangs of her fist.

SERENA: Bembi's sentient, Zettimer! But you already knew that didn't you?

ZETTIMER: Indeed I did, my dear.

BEMBI: Serena, the force field blocks my connection with the fungus. We're trapped.

[[MUSIC: Dungeon.]]

SERENA: Kor'Tess didn't hire you, did they?

ZETTIMER: No. But I am an Adventure Xenologist. I was studying on a nearby planet when escape pods of a large Kor'Tess research vessel came looking for shelter. They brought with them stories of their lost experiments. Well, I had to see if there was anything worth salvaging. And I stumbled upon the greatest scientific discovery of the millennium. A new element, capable of breathing life into the inanimate. An element, I believe, that still resides within your friend, there.

SERENA: So you're a scavenger after all. I'm not going to let you lay a hand on Bembi.

ZETTIMER: Ha! You've named it! How cute, but I think I like “Zettimorph” better. We're lost in an asteroid field, I've been jamming signals for a quarter-cycle now to hunt in peace. It seems it's just you, me, and it.

FESTON: And me! FLASHLIGHT!

[[SFX: FESTON bashes ZETTIMER on the head with his flashlight and ZETTIMER crumples. FESTON turns off the force field and tests the flashlight.]]

FESTON: Hey, and it still works! Amazing. You okay?

SERENA: Ya, thanks. Your hair doesn't always glow right?

[[MUSIC: Calm, resolved.]]

BEMBI: Our apologies, the effects of our spores should wear off-- we needed to communicate with you.

SERENA: Oh it's alright Bembi, I can't believe you've been locked in here with a madman for so long.

BEMBI: We could not fend off the monster alone, we are in your debt.

SERENA: Happy to help. Where will you go now?

BEMBI: We don't know. Where is a safe place when you are hunted.

SERENA: You know? Feston told me about a place he visited once, and I think it might just be perfect.

[[MUSIC: Inspiring, swelling.]]

--SCENE 06:

[[SFX: Wind rushing through a vast forest and a couple of Dreckles bleating in the background as FESTON steps onto the cargo lift and starts it up.]]

FESTON: Well Travelers, guess where we ended up. That's right! The Forests of Laykus-6! Serena had the frankly brilliant idea of bringing Bembi here to lay low and help Molim Loda with their garden!

MOLIM LODA: No worries young buck, your fungal friend’s in good hands. Safe travels, til the next one!

[[SFX: The lift closes, FESTON now inside the StarTripper. There is a kettle whistling in the background; while he speaks he opens a cabinet, pulls out a mug, rips open a tea bag and pours hot water in, then walks to the dorm bunk.]]

FESTON: Yep, this was about as good a spot to drop Bembi off as any. Not sure anyone’d think to look for them way out here. We also turned Zettimer Zaptol in to Kor'Tess Authorities for InterGalactic Looting. Because legitimate salvage is one thing, as the Dread File Clerk Pyxis will attest, but it’s definitely a big ol’ space-crime to harvest minerals from the still-living body of a sentient being. Zett’s days of slicing & dicing are behind them. And best of all, I picked up some charges for my vintage blaster, so all's swell that ends swell! And after all that, where is Serena, you may be asking?

[[SFX: He hits a hall keypad and the dorm door opens.]

SERENA: Owww. My head feels like someone threw a rave in it.

FESTON: Hey champ. Brought you some tea. It's Forminium Herbaton from Molim's garden.

SERENA: How's Bembi?

FESTON: I think they're gonna be just fine. They have a shot at a real life now.

SERENA: Good. I'm going back to bed.

FESTON: Okie dokie, wheel-and-spokie!

[[SFX: Feston hums and closes the door.]]

FESTON: Hangovers, amiright? ANYway, always a pleasure Travelers, but it’s time to be moving on. So we'll see you next time. ON STAR--

SERENA: [through the door] Feston!

FESTON: Oo, my bad. (whispered) ON STAAAAARTRIPPER!

End

CREDITS: StarTripper!! was created by Julian Mundy, hey that’s me! And produced by Mischa Stanton, Ian McQuown, and me.

“Drifting Like Spores” was written and directed by Ian McQuown; with a story by yours truly; sound design by Mischa Stanton; and performances by Ian McQuown as Feston, Sierra Shay as Proxy, Sammi Lappin as Serena, Bernardo Cubria as Zettimer Zaptol, Sheldon Brown & Lisette Alvarez and Bemiflexolia, and Korama Danquah as Molim Loda. Recorded at a safe social distance with production help from Lauren Shippen and Evan Cunningham. Music by Ketsa. For more, check out ketsamusic.com. Additional music this episode by Daniel Birch and Soularflair.

Check us out on the Wave at StarTripperHQ.com for transcripts and links to subscribe on your podbank of choice, or on social media @StarTripperHQ where we love sharing fan art and other show-related stuff. Need the most recent show announcements or updates? Our Twitter feed is the best place to look.

If you want to support the show, you can find us on Patreon. That’s Patreon.com/StarTripper. Even a regular $1 pledge helps us immensely to keep making cool shows for you, which we would love to keep doing. Thank you for flying with us; and now, this week’s StarTrip Survival Tip:

The real measure of a traveler is in how they treat someone they’ll only meet once.