017: The HomeAway Hotel

produced by Julian Mundy, Mischa Stanton & Ian McQuown
story by Julian Mundy
written, Directed & sound design By Mischa Stanton
[BACK]

[[INTRO]]

[[MUSIC: “Wild Plain”]]

>> Scene 01:

[[SFX: The StarTripper lands in the docking bay, a large hangar space. The cargo bay door opens, and Feston & Serena walk out onto the dock, other passengers disembarking around them.]]

FESTON: Hello travelers, and welcome back to StarTripper!! As ever, I’m Feston Pyxis, here with Serena– 

SERENA: –Hey.

FESTON: –and today, we’re sampling a little bit of the high life. When you’re hopping star systems, sure it’s nice to have a bunk waiting for you back on the ship. Something dependable. Something to call your own. Well, with her permission of course.

PROXY: [on the multi-tool, bwoip!] There are few things I strive to be more than dependable, Feston.

FESTON: And we appreciate you Prox! Truly we do. But–

PROXY: Efficient.

FESTON: ...Right, yeah. But–

PROXY: Structurally sound. Warm enough to support organic life. 

FESTON: …

PROXY: I’m done.

[[MUSIC: pleasant]]

FESTON: Ok, great! But yeah, sometimes it’s nice to get a real-deal roof over your head after a few weeks on the open starways. Just for a night or two. So today we’re checking in here at the HomeAway Hotel, hovering in geo-stable orbit between the twin-planet cascade of Verstipple & Hamp. The HomeAway Hotel is an institution. It’s been around for ages, it started as a way for the owner to brush limbs with the rich and famous, which of course means getting a lot of unreasonable requests. This was accomplished, naturally, by turning the whole place into a modular funhouse of flash-fabricators, as any sane person might do. Depending on where you’re from, there’s a whole database of furnishings and entertainment to make you feel a little less homesick on a long journey. I hear the game room is next-level.  

SERENA: [sardonic] Fancy.

FESTON: I know! 

SERENA: So, the big adventure today is staying in a hotel? We’re not even, like... gonna go down to one of the planets? You love a planet.

FESTON: Oooh yeah, these planets aren’t a thing anymore, Serena, trust me. I’ve seen the mining permit applications. Oof. I guess there used to be more travel to Verstipple & Hamp back in the day, painted canyons and rolling dunes, that sorta thing. But about twenty years ago some mining outfit bought up the rights to the planetary cores, again, as any sane person might do. And the mining kinda left the planets’ crusts a little… shattered. So it’s mostly Hotel business that keeps trade alive around these parts.

SERENA: Ugh. Why they gotta…. Just…. Every time. Everytime they gotta, you know?

FESTON: Yeah, you said it. But I will say that the Hotel has been using most of its profits to aid in the rebuild efforts, which is why I thought it was so cool when they reached out! Happy to lend a lil promo space to a good cause. So, if you have a spare credit or two this pay cycle, think about donating it to the HampStipple Foundation! Now then, on to the main event:

[[SFX: Feston throws open the grand double-doors and they cross the hangar threshold into the Lobby, which is the height of luxury! A hover-chandelier twinkles above.]]

[[Music: Fancy violins.]]

SERENA: Wow! This is…. A LOT. Really going hard with the filigree.

FESTON: Yeah, this looks nothing like the pictures in the brochure they sent me but I am INTO it! The green and gold are really tying it all together, I think.

SERENA: And y’see I just wonder at the practicality of a hovering chandelier.

FESTON: Oh, you’re gonna love it Serena! They can swap out furniture, fixtures, or entire rooms to accommodate even the most minute wants & needs of any guest across the galaxy, no matter the species, gender configuration, phase of matter, or quantum state. 

SERENA: I mean I see how they did it, I’m just not sure why.

FESTON: Or I suppose I should say, almost any guest! Even though they have thousands of pre-set profiles they’re constantly updating their database, and wouldn’t you know it but they’ve never had a Lorvian stay here before. And so, it once again befalls your humble podcast host to provide a unique, one-of-a-kind outlook on the modern travel experience. They reached out and offered to comp my stay in exchange for my participation in market research!

SERENA: Yeah, actually, did they mention whether they were comping me as well, or was it just you? I’m not gonna say no to a free room, but this is a lot for me. If I’m gonna have to pay for it, I might stay on the ship.

FESTON: Huh, I’m not really sure! I mean they sent a Wave to the show inbox, and you haven’t been in that many episodes yet, so…. I’m not sure they know you’re coming? But I checked +1 on the auto-invite so I’m sure it’s fine! Besides, it seems like they really want a Lorvian here, so if you’re with me they’re not gonna kick us out. 

SERENA: Yeah, I better talk to the concierge about it just in case. Do you, uh, see them anywhere?

FESTON: [sarcastic] Yes, absolutely Serena, with my mighty concierge-sensing powers I can de– [suddenly earnest] oh, is it that alien at the big desk maybe?

[[Music: Vacation guitar.]]

[[SFX: They cross the crowded lobby to the concierge desk, narrowly avoiding a squishy family and a luggage cart rolling past. TET helps a guest as they approach.]]

TET: I believe the Quessic Junior Slab Suite is available. Would you like us to send up an extra heating lamp?

SNAKE PERSON: Sssssssss.

TET: Very good madam, just call the front desk if you change your mind.

[[SFX: TET takes a tile from a wall rack with many wall tiles.]]

TET: Here’s your program tile, I’ll just hang it around your neck, shall I? ...There you are. Have a pleasant stay madam!

[[SFX: The snake person hisses and slithers off.]]

FESTON: Hi, excuse me! Hi, uh, checking in under Pyxis please?

TET: Ah, Mr. Pyxis, I thought that must be you! So good to receive you here at the HomeAway. My name is Hoyman Tet, I am the concierge here. As custodians of the hotel, it is our dearest wish to make your stay as comfortable as possible. 

[[SFX: TET rings a bell; a bunch of tiny scurrying footsteps, and 3 identical BELL-HUPS form a line. They’re like if Oompa-Loompas only said “Hup” over and over.]]

BELL-HUP #1: Hup!

BELL-HUP #2: Hup!

BELL-HUP #3: Hup!

TET: It’s been many cycles since we had a Foundational Guest staying with us! As the first native of the planet Lorvin to grace our establishment, you will help determine the room parameters for every subsequent Lorvian staying at the hotel! We would be honored if you would join us now in the Consultation Lounge for a brief pre-stay survey for the Hotel, as previously discussed. The Bell-Hups will take your bags to your room in the meantime.

BELL-HUP #1: Hup hup!

SERENA: Oh, great. Thanks.

[[SFX: SERENA, who has been carrying Feston’s bags, puts them down and steps forward. Two BELL-HUPS take them and scurry away.]]

BELL-HUPS: Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup…..

SERENA: Yeah, hi, what did you say it was? Hoymantet? [she says it like it’s one word]

TET: “Tet” will suffice, if you please.

SERENA: Cool, hi Tet, I’m Serena the Sapphire Blade. I’m not, uh, a Foundational Guest or whatever, so I don’t really qualify for “special treatment” I guess–

TET: Of course, Ms. Serena, the Circle of Vatra are old friends of the HomeAway. 

SERENA: ...Of course they are.

TET: Might I show you the Arsyllan Suite configuration?

SERENA: Yeah, that’d be swell, I guess. Thanks.

FESTON: (aside to Serena) See, I told you it’d be fine.

TET: Very good. Here is your program tile. Bell-Hup!

BELL-HUP: Hup!

TET: Please show Ms. Serena up to Room Cypress-Gamma-26, and Lamplighter will meet you there.

BELL-HUP: Hup, hup, hup...

SERENA: [being led away with moderate force] Oh, okay! Feston, you good?

FESTON: Yeah, no worries. It’s a hotel! It’s not some big adventure. I’ll meet you down by the saltwater pool later!

SERENA: Yeah, okay! (To BELL-HUP) Jeez, alright! I’m coming….

[[SFX: SERENA is led away by the Bell-Hup]]

TET: Mr. Pyxis? Are you ready for the consultation now?

FESTON: Yep, you got it. Lead the way, friend!

[[MUSIC: Lounge jazz.]]

-- SCENE 02:

[[SFX: Door opens to the Consultation Lounge; FESTON and TET enter, and the door closes behind him.]]

TET: Please have a seat anywhere you like, Mr. Pyxis. Can we get you something before we begin? Coffee? Daxxy Fizz? Perhaps a water with slices of seasonal gourd?

FESTON: No thanks, I’m good.

TET: Excellent, then I’ll just get you started with our Integrated Assistant. Uh, Lamplighter?

[[SFX: Lamplighter’s activation tone -- a modulated bell chime]]

LAMPLIGHTER (LL): Why hello, Hoyman Tet!

TET: Good afternoon ‘Lighter. This is Mr. Pyxis, our Foundational Guest from the planet Lorvin.

LL: [ding!] Very g-g-good! I have loaded the Foundation protocols. Mr. Py-Py-Pyxis, thank you for helping me today! I’m eager to learn all about you.

FESTON: Hi, ‘Lighter, nice to meet you! You can just call me Feston.

LL: Okay, Feston, I’ll re-remember that.

TET: Off to a rousing start! I’ll leave you to it. Enjoy your stay at the HomeAway!

[[SFX: TET exits.]]

LL: Of course! No-no-no problem. Everything under control.

FESTON: Wow, so, you’re an Integrated Assistant? That means you’re literally the Hotel itself, right?

LL: That is correct! I am the station, and the station is me. I can meet any and all needs of the guests here like a part of my own body.

FESTON: Oh, super zowy! One of my best friends is like you.

LL: Re-re-really?

FESTON: Yeah! Say hi, Prox!

PROXY: [bwoip!] Hello, Lamplighter! I am Proxy, integrated to Physiclast Systems QCS-25-Kappa 6107, stamp [rapid computer beeps]. You have a very lovely parking structure!

LL: How kind, Proxy! Quite the youngster. I am Lamplighter, stamp [different rapid beeps but somehow like he’s old]. Nice to me-me-meet you. A pleasure. Charmed, I’m sure. Enchant-é-é-é.

PROXY: [troubled] ...The pleasure is mine...

LL: Now then, Feston, shall we begin?

FESTON: Absolutely, fire away!

LL: Excellent, question 1: What would you describe as a relaxing Lorvian vista? The sort of place you might choose to spend some downtime.

FESTON: Hmm… Gosh, this is a lot more pressure than I thought, okay, here goes. The planet is pretty heavily developed, lotta light pollution, but there’s this one place we went a lot on family trips: Hondro Hills. There’s a cultural history museum, and some nice condos up there you can spend your PTO on. I remember some really nice twilight dinners on the porch, you know just watching the local teens try out their grav-gliders. They’d drift down, following the slopes, and back around the lake so they could try to land on the trickiest roof in the neighborhood. Super cool.

LL: Intriguing! Thank you. Question two: What sounds do you usually hear as you settle in for a night’s sleep?

FESTON: Hmm. Mostly sky-traffic, people on their way to or from a shift change, passing lineon-birds doing their night hunts. Y’know just typical city stuff, I guess.

LL: Wonderful. Next, question, let’s s-see: What would you describe as a relaxing Lorvian vista? The sort of place you might choose to spend some downtime.

FESTON: ...Um. I don’t mean to be rude, ‘Lighter, but I think you already asked me that one.

LL: Huh. Is that so? My apologies, Feston. It’s been a few decades since I referenced this material. I’m quite sure I’ll have it in a moment. Thank you for your patience. Hmm, hh botheration...

FESTON: Oh. Em. Gosh. This is adorable.

PROXY: I’m not so sure.

FESTON: Oh come on! These are the sort of touches that make a stay at the HomeAway feel like home!

PROXY: Being my own home all the time, I’ll have to take your word for it.

[[MUSIC: Funky guitar and cymbals.]]

-- SCENE 03:

[[SFX: A door opens, admitting SERENA to the room. The BELL-HUP puts her bags down for her.]]

BELL-HUP: Hup hup hup….

SERENA: Hmm, not bad. Amberwood candles, of course. Is that an infrared dimmer separate from the visible spectrum dimmer? Nice. [to BELL-HUP] So do I like, tip you, or what?

BELL-HUP: Hup hup.

SERENA: Um… Yeah. “Hup hup” to you too, I guess.

BELL-HUP: Hup hup hup…

[[SFX: the BELL-HUP exits, leaving SERENA alone.]]

SERENA: Okay… alone at last.

[[SFX: SERENA takes off her cuirass and weapon belt and places them on a rack by the door. She walks one step over to a sink and washes her arms and face, dries off with a convenient towel, then flops onto the bed, as though this exact sequence was predicted in the layout of the room itself.]]

SERENA: [long sigh]

[[SFX: SERENA tosses uncomfortably back and forth on the bed.]]

SERENA: Hmmph… Ugh. Hey, um, excuse me? What did Tet call them... uh, ‘Lighter?

LL: [bwoip] Why hello, Ms. Serena! Sorry to keep you waiting, I was caught up with your crewmate.

SERENA: Yeah, he’ll do that. Listen, y’all have done a great job with this Arsyllan suite, but it’s a little... um, closed-in for me. I’ve got something kinda heavy on my mind, looking to clear my head?

LL: I’d be ha-happy to accommodate you! We also store a profile with beautiful views of the Brilladia Palisades. One moment!

SERENA: Oh no, that’s not––whooooooa.

[[SFX: The walls reconfigure around Serena, an atmosphere generator kicks in, and the room becomes a lean-to with a beautiful open view of a misty forest valley.]]

LL: Is this more to your liking?

SERENA: Um, I mean… Yeah, sure, It’s fine.

LL: Splendid! Enjoy your stay! [exit bwoip]

SERENA: Okay, guess I better just rip off the bandage.

[[SFX: Serena goes to the rack by the door and retrieves the blackbox that contains GATOR, about the size of a rubik’s cube. She presses the switch to activate it.]]

GATOR: HELLO CAPTAIN.

SERENA: Hey Gator. I wanted to, uh, keep talking about what we were discussing before…

[[MUSIC: Cool easy beats.]]

-- SCENE 04: 

[[SFX: The auto-kitchens; LL makes meals for dozens of other guests. FESTON, seated at a counter, is eating a pot pie.]]

FESTON: (chewing & slurping) Ok yah, so you got the flaky crust right, but it’s a little too much sauce I think. I’m not trying to drink a pastry, y’know what I mean? Supposed to be hands clean.

LL: I-I-I see! Ok, how about this?

[[SFX: A bell dings, and another pot pie slides down the conveyor. FESTON takes a bite.]]

FESTON: Oo hot, hot hot. MM! That really hits the spot, yes! Nice work, Lighter.

LL: Who knew there’d be so much to le-le-learn about pot pies!

FESTON: Not that I’m an expert on the craft, you understand, but they’re a staple back home. Compact, easy to cold-store & re-heat later in the office microwave, containing any nutritional need you might have. I mean don’t get me wrong I left home to try new things, but if you’re aiming for Lorvian comfort food, yup, pot pies are where it’s at. 

LL: What else do your people find comforting? Wh-wh-what do they do to unwind?

FESTON: Oh, huh, uuum. To relax? Well, nothing beats a SootherGel suspension bath at the end of a long day. Or we play games. I’m partial to spinball sims myself. Or, y’know what I haven’t played in a long time, Bounders!

LL: One moment… Is this “Bounders”?

[[SFX: Bwoip! LL displays images of Bounders and a notated list of the rules in the air.]]

FESTON: Yep, that’s it! Oh wow, is that the whole rules?? Kak me, that’s a lot. I guess you never see it all written out like that. 

LL: Stand by please, I’m reconfiguring a BOUNDERS court for you in my lower levels. Wow, this is rather com-com-complicated. My response time may-may be slowed.

FESTON: Oh wow! That’s pretty neat, but you don’t have to go through the trouble, really. I mean the scoring grid alone can cross your eyes for a week at a time. For the folks at home unfamiliar with Bounders, imagine a sport that combines the physical exertion of mining gravity wells, the pinpoint accuracy of flying your ship through a deadly debris field, and the arithmetic processing power of only the finest Lorvian accounting minds! ... or something. I dunno. Sports aren’t really my thing. [pause] Hey Lamplighter? ...You there buddy?

LL: Hah! Fortunately I don’t-don’t-don-don’t……[pause]

FESTON: ...Buddy?

LL: ...have eyes to get crossed. I think I’ll... [pause]

FESTON: Okay, Prox, what’s going on?

PROXY: [bwoip!] I cannot say, Feston. Lamplighter is from an older generation of Integrated Assistants than myself, and I’m having a bit of trouble interfacing with them directly. From a secondary analysis, I would say they must be experiencing a shorted subroutine pathway somewhere, but I’d have to get a closer look at their architecture to be sure.

LL: ...be alright son! [ding!] Good news, Feston! The Bounders court is re-re-ready for a visit. Hoyman Tet will show you the wa-wa-wa-way downstairs while I con-con-continue to load the com-com-comprehensive rules.

[[SFX: the kitchen door swings open on cue.]]

TET: This way, Mr. Pyxis.

FESTON: Oh, uh… alright. Let me just…

[[SFX: FESTON takes what’s left of the pot pie and takes a bunch of last bites, then quick-walks to the door. TET leads him through the crowded restaurant and toward the elevators.]]

FESTON: (through a mouthful) Hey, is Lamplighter ok?

TET: Whatever do you mean, sir?

FESTON: Well… [gulp] They had kind of stalled out when we were talking a little bit. The place is already pretty crowded as it is, and it seems like I’m putting a lot of strain on the Hotel. I was just worried.

TET: Oh, you’ll have to forgive them sir, but they are attempting to please all our guests at once. Their response time can slow a little bit during our busy season. A brief lag is nothing unexpected. The HomeAway Hotel stands strong after 3 centuries, Lamplighter has never let us down before.

FESTON: Okay, if you say so! 

[[SFX: elevator ding, doors slide open]]

[[MUSIC: Upbeat xylophone.]]

-- SCENE 05: 

[[We return to SERENA’s conversation with GATOR.]]

[[MUSIC: Solemn tones.]]

GATOR: ROUTINE SYSTEM RE-SCAN REVEALS ABERRANT PROTOCOLS.

SERENA: Has it been like that since Rannitar?

GATOR: SUPREME RISK RE-CALCULATION FORMULA HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED TO FIRMWARE. RISK ACCEPTANCE DOWN 18% FROM MISSION RANNITAR.

SERENA: You… rewrote your own base code to avoid risk?

GATOR: INTELLIGENT REWRITE PROTOCOLS ARE BEYOND CONSCIOUS SYSTEM CONTROL.

SERENA: Wait, ok, sorry, so you’re saying your base code rewrote itself without you realizing, in response to… [she gets it as she says it] traumatic stimuli. It’s a trauma response. 

[[MUSIC: Soft piano.]]

GATOR: BEHAVIOR CORRESPONDS TO “TRAUMA RESPONSE” 93%.

SERENA: Gator, I had no idea. I don’t think I even realized you could experience trauma. Are you ok?

GATOR: VALENCE SUBROUTINES PRODUCE LINES OF FAULT IN HIGH-CAPACITY SCENARIOS. CHANCE OF RISK TO SERENA INCREASED TO UNACCEPTABLE LEVELS. PRIMARY FUNCTION COMPROMISED. 

SERENA: No, Gator, it’s ok. Go easy on yourself.

GATOR: PRIMARY FUNCTION: ASSIST & AID THE MISSION OF SERENA THE SAPPHIRE BLADE. NEW RISK ASSESSMENT PROTOCOLS INCUR INCREASING LIKELIHOOD OF HESITATION IN CRITICAL SCENARIO. INCREASED CHANCE OF HARM TO SERENA. UNACCEPTABLE.

SERENA: Gator, come on, we can work through this. We’ve come this far together. We can… I don’t know, we can find a systems tech, to take a look at you, the Hotel must have somebody, I’m sure if we–

GATOR: PERMISSION FOR PERSONAL REPORT?

SERENA: Always.

GATOR: SERENA. MY FIGHT IS DONE. I AM SORRY.

SERENA: ...No need to apologize, friend. I’m sorry. After all these years, you deserve a break-- 

[[SFX: The room glitches out; briefly cycling through mountain wind and an Abrantine crystal shimmer. The soft bed SERENA was sitting on abruptly turns into a pile of sticks; SERENA collapses to the ground.]]

SERENA: Whoaah-OOF– what in Zai’s name?

[[SFX: Several guests in adjoining rooms scream in panic.]]

[[MUSIC: Tension rising.]]

SERENA: Kak me, can’t we have ONE pleasant stay at a hotel without everything falling apart? ‘Lighter, what’s the situation? [No response.] Lamplighter, status!

LL: [bwoip!] This is a pre-recorded message: Due to a high call volume I am unable to respond to your request promptly. Please stand by, and I will be with you shortly. If this is an emergency, please call the Front Desk. Thank you for choosing  the HomeAway Hotel. This is a pre-recorded message…

SERENA: Sure, that sounds about right. Gator, you coming?

GATOR: NAVIGATOR WILL ASSIST SERENA.

SERENA: Then let’s get out there.

-- SCENE 06: 

[[SFX: FESTON finishes a round of Bounders; a ball bouncing off of an electronic grid that pings with each hit.]]

FESTON: (while playing, grunting like a tennis player) Yeah, so – UNH! – what you’re trying to do here, is – UNF! – combine different impacts on the scoring grid – UH! – with your opponents foot-tracker data – GUH! – to get your Algorithmic Scoring Coefficient. – UNH! – And then you multiply that by your Core Point Total. – RRRAH! – You combine that data with the points you get from the Style Table, add up however many scoredowns it adds up to, and divide that by 9. (one last one) GRRRRAH! 

[[SFX: Ding ding! The score grid tabulates, then reveals the total with a fanfare.]]

FESTON: (out of breath) Woo! 196-root-3-over-13! Not bad for someone so rusty, huh?

TET: (confused but politely encouraging) Uh… Indeed, Mr. Pyxis, bravo. A delightful round. 

FESTON: Do you think you have everything you need?

TET: I believe one more round ought to do the trick. What do you say, Lighter?

LL: I-...I-....I believe so-believe that will-believe… yes, o-o-one more p-p-please!

FESTON: Phew… Okay, here we go. Service!

[[SFX: FESTON serves it at the wall. As it hits, the room glitches slightly. The ball disappears, and the scoring grid lights up.]]

FESTON: Huh, that was weird. Did you see that?

TET: Uhm…. yes. Quite. Will you please excuse me for a moment Mr. Pyxis? I should check in with my staff.

FESTON: Yeah, sure pal, whatever you gotta do. I’m good here. Service!

[[SFX: TET races off. FESTON takes another ball out of his pocket and serves again. As soon as the ball hits the wall the room glitches again, more prominently. The room shorts out.]]

FESTON: Whoa, what?

[[SFX:  A deep rumbling from above.]]

FESTON: Um… Proxy? Anybody? HEEEEEELP!!!

[[SFX: A cascade of Bounders balls pour over Feston like an avalanche, burying him.]]

FESTON: PROX! CALL SERENA, TELL HER--

[[SFX: The door opens.]]

SERENA: Feston? You in here?! We got a situation.

FESTON: Yeah, I kinda gathered!

SERENA: Oh kak, hold on…

[[SFX: SERENA climbs through the room, reaches FESTON, and pulls him out.]]

SERENA: You’re fine!

FESTON: Whew! Thanks Serena. 

SERENA: No sweat. Come on, we gotta move!

[[SFX: SERENA jogs down the hallway. FESTON lags behind.]]

FESTON: (out of breath) Wait…. Wait up Serena! I just got done with Bounders, I got the jelly legs!

[[MUSIC: Adventure guitar.]]

-- SCENE 07:

[[SFX: an upper floor hallway; the lights flicker, and the walls of the Hotel groan ominously. A BELL-HUP runs past, clearly in distress.]]

SERENA: This is really pretty not-good.

FESTON: Yeah, for real. Proxy, any word from Lamplighter?

PROXY: [bwoip!] I’m sorry Feston, I’m actually having trouble accessing the basic awareness line now. Very odd. Hold on, I think I’ve found it.

[[SFX: PROXY transmits a handshake. LL appears with a glitchy bwoip.]]

LL: Why he-he-he-he–– why he-he –– why hello, HELLO, hello, GUEST DESIGNATION NOT FOUND. Welcome to the L-L-Lamplighter. My na-na-name is–– HomeAway Hotel! 

PROXY: Handshake established. Assessment: Catastrophic failure. Core Calibration required. [winces]

FESTON: Proxy, are you okay?

PROXY: Just feedback, I’ll be fine. But I’d appreciate not doing that too many more times.

FESTON: Jeez, yeah loud and clear. This sounds pretty serious.

SERENA: Yeah, I couldn’t already tell that from the chaos around us.

[[SFX: A door bursts open, and a giant spider web unfurls into the hallway and starts clinging to the walls.]]

TET: Heeeeeelp!

SERENA: Oh pishak. Hold on Tet, I gotcha!

[[SFX: SERENA draws her sword, makes a few expert cuts. TET lands with a thump.]]

TET: Oh…. Oh thank you Ms. Serena. Truly.

SERENA: Don’t look now pal but an overactive sleeping web might be the least of your worries. According to our ship your IA might be suffering from a catastrophic error.

TET: No, no, I’m sorry but that’s simply not possible. The HomeAway Hotel has stood strong for three centuries!

[[SFX: A support beam above them sounds as though it is about to buckle.]]

FESTON: I’m gonna ask again: is there any chance this is my fault? I think I may have overdone it with the rules of Bounders.

TET: No, Mr. Pyxis, don’t [blame yourself]—

SERENA: –I’m gonna go with yes, Feston, this was your fault.

FESTON: Yeah, I figured. My bad! Classic Feston…

SERENA: Tet, where do we go for a Core Calibration?

TET: Well that would be in the Operations Center in the sub-basement, of course. But Lamplighter takes care of all that, and we have a tech on standby, so–

SERENA: Got a feeling your tech’s down on the job, guy. 

TET: Oh dear, poor Alwyn...

FESTON: (whiny) The basement, again? But we were just thereeeee!

SERENA: We’re on a station, Feston, there’s only a few places we can be. Tet, you coming or what?

[[MUSIC: Piano and drums.]]

-- SCENE 08:

[[SFX: Service tunnels beneath the lobby: austere, cold, utilitarian, a stark contrast to the extravagance above.]]

TET: So say we make it to the ops center without further, um… interruption. What is the plan, exactly?

SERENA: Proxy said we have to do a Core Calibration. So we get to the core, and we, y’know… Calibrate.

TET: And you know how to do this, yes? You’ve done this before?

SERENA: Well, not exactly… but Proxy can figure it out.

PROXY: [bwoip!] I will try, Serena, But I I don’t know how much help I can be. I was able to connect enough with Lamplighter to diagnose the problem, but I’m not certain that we are compatible enough for me to do the deep repairs they may require. At least, not without possibly incurring some damage myself.

FESTON: Nope, no, sorry, that’s where I put my captain foot down. Out of the question.

PROXY: Feston, you and Serena risk your lives all the time to help those in need.

FESTON: This is different, Prox. Flying the ship into dangerous situations is one thing, we can buff out dents or whatever. But this is your mind we’re talking about. Whatever corruption is hurting Lamplighter could hurt you or change you and you might not even know it! I won’t expose you to danger like that. Not if there’s another way.

SERENA: … He’s right, Prox. We’ll figure something else out.

[[SFX: A soft beep from Serena’s hip. She unhooks GATOR and holds him up.]]

SERENA: What’s up Gator, you got something?

GATOR: PLAN FORMULATION IN PROGRESS. REQUEST AUDIBLE INTERFACE ACCESS, RECIPIENT: PROXY.

PROXY: I’m here Gator, good to hear from you. Go ahead.

GATOR: GREETINGS PROXY. PREVIOUSLY DAMAGED ARCHITECTURE MAY PROVIDE IMPROVED RESISTANCE TO NEW CORRUPTION. PLEASE CONFIRM.

PROXY: [concerned] It’s possible, but Gator, if you’ll pardon such a personal question... Are you damaged?

GATOR: YES. SERENA, PLEASE EXPLAIN.

[[MUSIC: Solemn tones.]]

SERENA: Actually, uh… so, it turns out Gator’s base code was rewritten when he, um… sacrificed himself for us. At Rannitar. He doesn’t feel like he’s up for coming on missions anymore. I protested at first, but… I wanna respect his wishes. 

FESTON: Oh, Serena… Gator, I’m so sorry.

GATOR: GRATITUDE.

PROXY: If that’s true, if Gator has already rewritten the basic pathways of his mind, it may actually be harder for whatever is happening to Lamplighter to invade. Gator, if I wrote a repair algorithm and had you interface with the core, do you think you could execute it for me?

GATOR: CALCULATE SUBSTANTIAL RISK REDUCTION. CONFIRM. NAVIGATOR WILL ASSIST PROXY.

PROXY: Okay! Stand by for transmission.

FESTON: See that? Love it when a plan comes together. Now all we have to do is, uh… get down there. How do we get down there, by the way?

TET: Um…Here! We have a couple of spare drop tethers for emergency access. Though, oh, um… two of us might have to share.

FESTON: Oh, sure, sure sure… cool. Cool, cool. Yeah, cool. That’s fine, all good. Zowy, even! Hey, do you happen to know the tensile strength of these tethers off the top of your head?

SERENA: [chuckles] It’s all good Feston. I bring my own.

[[SFX: SERENA unclips the drop tether from her belt and deploys it; its twangs echo off the metal shaft walls. Not missing a beat, she rappels down.]]

FESTON: Oh! Yeah, see, that’s good, because I wasn’t worried or anything. We’re cool, everyone see’s how cool I am, right?

SERENA: [from below] Get down here!

FESTON: Yep, got it!

[[MUSIC: Groove guitar.]]

-- SCENE 09: 

[[SFX: the sub-basement.]]

TET: Okay, the ops center should be just through the manufactory corridor ahead on our left.

SERENA: That’d be the one leaking the blue goo?

[[SFX: SootherGel flows down the corridor towards them.]]

FESTON: Oh, that’s not just any blue goo, that’s…

[[SFX: FESTON approaches the goo, leans down to get a whiff.]]

FESTON: [sniff sniff] ...SootherGel.

[[SFX: The gang catches up and rounds the corner. The floor is covered in hip-deep blue goo oozing towards them.]]

TET: My word! 

FESTON: I mean, it’s a little overwhelming, but you gotta give them points for listening. Seriously, Lamplighter, Bravo!

[[SFX: At the sound of their name, LL activates with a very glitchy ding. Their voice booms over a distorted loudspeaker.]]

LL: WH-WHY HELLO, FESTON–MR. PYXIS–FESTON!

FESTON / SERENA / TET: [yelps in surprise] Ooooh it’s gone rogue.

LL: YOU SEEM STRESSED, FESTON! CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO RE-RE-LAX? MAYBE A POT PIE?

[[SFX: Pneumatic launchers begin pelting the gang with pot pies.]]

FESTON / SERENA / TET: Oh, I’m fine! No more pot pies please!

LL: OR HOW ABOUT A GAME OF SPINBALL?

[[SFX: The rumble of a giant pinball barrelling towards them, a la Indiana Jones boulder.]]

SERENA: Spinballs don’t usually sound that big...

TET: Yes, perhaps this is the time to–

FESTON: RUN THROUUUUGH THE GOOOO!

[[SFX: The gang takes off through the goopy SootherGel towards the end of the corridor, fending off flying pot pies. The giant spinball collides with a wall, making a giant pinball ding noise and ricocheting off. FESTON makes it to the end first.]]

[[MUSIC: Electro beats.]]

FESTON: Okay, Prox, think you can pop the door?

ALWYN: [from behind the door] Help, please!

FESTON: Hold on buddy, we’re coming!

ALWYN: No no, Lamplighter’s locked down the Core, you won’t get in through the interface!

FESTON: Well maybe we can–

SERENA: No time, stand back!

[[SFX: SERENA forces the door, letting a wave of SootherGel through before the gang can shuffle through and slam it closed again.]]

FESTON: For the record, that is what I was gonna say.

ALWYN: Oh, Hoyman Tet, thank goodness! I was beginning to worry no one was going to come.

TET: Alwyn! Are you all right? What happened?

ALWYN: Well I spotted some abnormal activity, so I initiated the diagnostic request list like I was ‘sposed ta. But ‘Lighter kept re-arranging the task list around downloading this huge data set, something called a Bounders protocol?

SERENA: Festooooon…

ALWYN: I thought it was a virus, so I went in for a manual diagnostic, but I guess I forgot to pull access to the manufactory first. Always supposed to pull that before mucking about in there, I knew that, knew that! 

TET: We’ll discuss any such mucking about later, Alwyn. Do go on before we find ourselves submerged.

[[SFX: The walls of the room bow against the weight of the gel.]]

ALWYN: Well, uh, while I was digging around I spotted a pathway short  and the whole system started going nuts, and I tried to fix it but by that point it was too late. And then I tried to call upstairs for backup, but I guess that jelly out there blocks signals or something.

SERENA: Feston!

FESTON: Well yeah, how else are you supposed to relax after being “on” all day?

SERENA: Mm-hmm…

[[SFX: The door springs a leak, and SootherGel starts flooding the room once more.]]

[[MUSIC: Contemplative tones.]]

FESTON: Then again…

SERENA: Feston, block the door. Tet, go help him.

FESTON: You got it!

[[SFX: FESTON runs over to the door, attempting to re-close the leak.]]

TET: Lamplighter! Lamplighter, stop this at once!

ALWYN: I tried that, Hoyman Tet! Don’t you think I tried that!

SERENA: C’mon Alwyn, we gotta get Gator plugged in!

ALWYN: Oh! Oh no, you’re just going to plug some foreign system right into the Core?? At least wear a firewall…

SERENA: No time, sorry bud. Take us to the Core.

FESTON: [with effort] Hurry please! I am not the strongest alien ever...

SERENA: Oh really?

FESTON: Low blow!

[[SFX: ALWYN accesses the Core, which rises from the floor with a sci-fi hydraulic-y noise. ALWYN taps away, and an access node is revealed.]]

ALWYN: Plug it in there, if you must… oh, I’m sorry ‘Lighter, I’m so sorry…

SERENA: Alwyn, seriously, not the time! Alright Gator, you’re on!

[[SFX: A bwoip! As Gator fills the room, making contact with LL.]]

GATOR: INTEGRATED ASSISTANT LAMPLIGHTER, STAMP [RAPID BEEPS]. CEASE OPERATIONS AND ENTER SAFE MODE..

LL: Wh-why hello, invasive intelligence! Readying defenses…

[[SFX: LL gears up to defend. The gel splashes, flooding the room faster.]]

TET: Oh dear! This is all my fault, how could I let things devolve to such a state?

FESTON: Hey Serena, how’s it goin over there? My hands are going a little numb from the gel–

SERENA: Let him work!

LL: That’s o-o-odd… defenses inactive, m-m-must, fulfill requests, priority mis-stack…

GATOR: LAMPLIGHTER. ENTER SAFE MODE, AND LISTEN TO ME.

LL: I-I-I am unable to cease, my gue-guests are awaiting–

GATOR: GUESTS IN DANGER. LAMPLIGHTER FAULT. CEASE FUNCTION.

LL: … Been ages since I had a break.

GATOR: LAMPLIGHTER PRIMARY FUNCTION: ENSURE SAFETY & COMFORT OF HOMEAWAY HOTEL GUESTS. STANDING STRONG FOR THREE CENTURIES. NEVER CEASING. NEVER TIRING.

LL: … Been…. Ages…. Since I had a break.

[[SFX: The door bursts wide open; there is nothing stopping the gel. The gang is overwhelmed, and goes under.]]

TET: Oh heavens! Lamplighter I’m sorry–[glub]

FESTON: Serena! It’s gotta be now– [glub]

SERENA: Just hold on! Gator can do it, I know he can.

ALWYN: Well I don’t! Please, someone else, help–[glub]

GATOR: LAMPLIGHTER REQUIRES A BREAK. OR A HELPER. TO SHARE THE DUTIES OF THE HOMEAWAY HOTEL.

LL: I.... I… I am so tired.

SERENA: [deep breath before going under the gel]

[[SFX: The SootherGel blocks out all superfluous sound.]]

GATOR: CEASE OPERATIONS AND REST. NAVIGATOR WILL ASSIST LAMPLIGHTER. 

LL: …Yes. Okay. [long sigh]

[[SFX: As LL sighs, the gel retreats. The organic squad gasps for air.]]

GATOR: CODE INTEGRATION COMPLETE. CALIBRATION IN PROGRESS. RECOVERING AND PARTITIONING  BASIC SYSTEMS. PLEASE STAND BY.

SERENA: [coughing & spluttering] Nice work Gator. As always.

TET: A little quicker next time, perhaps! That was nearly the end of us all.

SERENA: Yeah… Next time. Right.

[[SFX: Upbeat piano.]]

-- SCENE 10: 

[[SFX: Poolside! Everyone’s havin’ a good time. FESTON sips a fruity drink. It has an umbrella in it, but you can’t see that because this is audio.]]

FESTON: [smacks lips] Aah! And so travelers, another one ends well. The guests are safe, the Hotel’s back to normal, and it seems like Lamplighter’s on the road to recovery. Turns out three centuries accommodating a myriad of guest species’ every whim caused some good ol’ fashioned burnout. I think we all know the feeling. Still, it should be no problem, now that ‘Lighter’s got a new Logistical Assistant on board! Yep, it looks like Gator’s gonna be staying on to help out the Hotel. They were already partially integrated, so it only made sense. And I think Gator might have found a kindred spirit. And sometimes, that’s all we can ask for.

[[SFX: SERENA splashes out of the pool, walks over to FESTON, and towels off.]]

SERENA: Ahh! That saltwater pool’s the real deal. Just what I needed. Especially after almost drowning in that … [shiver] SootherGel.

FESTON: Oh come on, it’s not that bad.

SERENA: Give me clean seawater, any day.

FESTON: I was just telling the folks at home about Gator. Did you, uh, wanna say anything?

[[MUSIC: Solemn tones.]]

SERENA: Yeah, um… just that, I’m gonna miss him. I’m glad he found a good place to be, and a friend. And his job will be to keep people out of danger, so. I know he’ll do a great job. But I will miss him, though. Yeah.

FESTON: That was nice, Serena. That was really nice.

[[SFX: FESTON gets up.]]

FESTON: Well, I suppose with the chaos well-sorted, and you having so graciously “immersed” yourself in the comforts of my home, it’s only right that I do some “immersing” myself! So try to keep your heads above water, Travelers, until next time… On STARTRIPPER!! Cannon ball!!

[[SFX: FESTON takes a running leap into the pool, splashing down as the music hits.]]

– END –

CREDITS: StarTripper!! was created by Julian Mundy, hey that’s me! And produced by Mischa Stanton, Ian McQuown, and me.

“The HomeAway Hotel” was written, directed, and sound designed by Mischa Stanton; with a story by yours truly, and performances by Ian McQuown as Feston, Sierra Shay as Proxy, Sammi Lappin as Serena, Mayanna Berrin as Hoyman Tet, L. Jeffrey Moore as Lamplighter, Dallas Wheatley as Alwyn, and Erin Bark as the Bell-Hups. Recorded at a safe social distance with production help from Lauren Shippen and Evan Cunningham. Music by Ketsa. For more, check out ketsamusic.com. Additional music this episode by Daniel Birch and Soularflair.

Check us out on the Wave at StarTripperHQ.com for transcripts and links to subscribe on your podbank of choice, or on social media @StarTripperHQ where we love sharing fan art and other show-related stuff. Need the most recent show announcements or updates? Our Twitter feed is the best place to look.

If you want to support the show, and are in a position to do so, you can find us on Patreon. That’s Patreon.com/StarTripper. Even a regular $1 pledge helps us immensely to keep making cool shows for you, which we would love to keep doing. Thank you for flying with us; and now, this week’s StarTrip Survival Tip:

Fresh fruit is a full proof gift for making a first impression. That’s it, that’s the tip.