018: Body Problems

produced by Julian Mundy, Mischa Stanton & Ian McQuown
story by Julian Mundy
written & Directed By Ian McQuown
sound design By Mischa Stanton
[BACK]

[[INTRO]]

[[MUSIC: “Wild Plain”]]

>> Scene 01:

[[SFX: The StarTripper Command Deck.]]

FESTON: Hello Travelers, and welcome back to STARTRIPPER!! Today, we have a very special treat for you: a good ole-fashioned, low-stakes, space rescue! Minus the looters, I might add.

SERENA: May I? I’m just gonna-- 

FESTON: Sure.

[[SFX: The Comm. Panel bloips.]]

DIBARA: [no-nonsense] Hello, pleasure to make your acquaintance. As you can see, my vessel is currently inoperable. I have an important appointment this evening that I can’t miss, may I book passage?

[[SFX: Feston presses the comm.]]

FESTON: [galantly] Oh, I think we could lend a hand, Traveler. My crew and I love to help those in need--

SERENA: --Seffra Zai--

FESTON: --Tell me, who do we have the pleasure of speaking with?

DIBARA: This is Dibara Sej, CEO of Red Bow Broadcasting.

FESTON: [OMG!] THE Red Bow Broadcasting!? (then) Well, that’s a mighty impressive outfit as I understand it--

SERENA: Alright, Space Cowboy.

[[SFX: Serena pushes Feston aside, he trips and makes a noise.]]

SERENA: [cont.] Hi, Dibara, we’d love to give you a ride. Where you headed?

DIBARA: Trellis Prime.

[[SFX: Feston is muffled with his face on the floor.]]

FESTON: [muffled] TRELLIS PRIME!?

SERENA: Shh! Copy that, Big D, just hang tight and we’ll tow you in. Have you aboard shortly! Engaging tow cables and roping ‘em in.

[[SFX: Serena turns off the comm and activates the cables, turn outside.]]

SERENA: [cont.] What was that about?

[[SFX: Feston scrambles to his feet.]]

FESTON: Are you kidding? Dibara Sej runs Red Bow Broadcasting, the largest multi-platform entertainment conglomerate on this side of the galaxy!

SERENA: Oh.

FESTON: Oh?!

SERENA: You know me and recreational fantasy, it rots the brain.

PROXY: Docking secure. Opening the hatch

[[SFX: The towing stops and the ships’ hatchways click into place. The hatch door raises.]]

FESTON: Serena, this could be our big chance! If she likes the show, she could make us famous!

SERENA: Shouldn’t our good deeds and “winning personalities” do that?

FESTON: I-- well--.... Just trust me, okay?

SERENA: Okay, just don’t freak her out. We haven’t had a paid gig in a while and our pantry is getting a little bare.

[[SFX: Dibara walks in.]]

DIBARA: Hi, thank you again for the rescue. I have a big announcement to make tonight at a gala I’m throwing, so if you wouldn’t mind stepping on it I’d be greatly appreciative. And I’ll compensate you of course.

SERENA: That would be-- (great)

[[MUSIC: Positive vibes.]]

FESTON: Oh , we couldn’t even think of charging you. You’re our guest! Please, please, just sit back, relax, enjoy the space. Oh oh, silly me, let me introduce myself. I’m Feston Pyxis, and welcome to our ship The STARTRIPPER!! This is Serena the Sapphire Blade, a zowy space traveling warrior. 

SERENA: Hey.

FESTON: (cont.) This is my best friend, and also the ship’s Integrated Assistant, Proxy!

[[SFX: Proxy bloips the affirmative.]]

PROXY: Very happy to have you aboard!

DIBARA: Oh, how nice!

FESTON: (cont.) And together we travel the stars, looking for the zowiest good times the galaxy has to offer!

[[SFX: Awkward silence.]]

SERENA: (to herself) This kakking guy…

DIBARA: Um... okay, fun! And thank you again for the ride. If you won’t let me pay you, please do come to the party this evening. There will be many aliens present and Red Bow Broadcasting puts on a very good show. 

FESTON: Score!

SERENA: FESTON! (then) Why don’t you get Dibara something to drink, I’m sure she’s had a stressful day. 

FESTON: Right! Be right back Ms. Sej. Again, so happy to have you.

[[SFX: Feston runs off. Serena inputs coordinates]]

SERENA: So, Trellis Prime, huh? Haven’t been that way in a long time- what’s it famous for again?

DIBARA: It’s the center for all entertainment in the galaxy?

SERENA: Yeah, that’s it. Alright, should be a short slip.

[[SFX: The StarTripper!! jumps into slipspace.]]

DIBARA: You’re not in entertainment, I assume.

SERENA: Personal protection, mostly.

DIBARA: Oh, how exciting! You must have so many interesting stories!

SERENA: It’s alright, I guess. Ups and downs.

[[SFX: Proxy bloip.]]

PROXY: Serena is a decorated member of The Circle, I believe her travels around the galaxy are quite extensive. I, however, have never been to Trellis Prime and I must admit, I am quite excited.

DIBARA: Well you’re quite a responsive IA, aren’t you?

SERENA: Yeah, she’s a little more than an IA.

[[SFX: Proxy bloips positively in response.]]

PROXY: Galactic records indicate Trellis Prime is one of the most technologically integrated planets in the galaxy. 

[[MUSIC: Inquisitive tech vibes.]]

DIBARA: Well, yes. Everything on Trellis Prime is optimized for data transfer and broadcast, so we’re a very plugged in society. In fact, most of us are cyborgs as well.

PROXY: How exciting!

DIBARA: You know, I bet we could initiate a handshake, Proxy. Wanna see?

PROXY: That sounds delightful.

DIBARA: Ok, let’s see here…

[[SFX: CPU’s in Dibara’s cybernetic implants start processing with little beeps.]]

DIBARA: (cont.) Ah, found you on the network. Sending a signal now. How’s this for an introduction?

[[SFX: More processing sounds as well as affirmative bloips from Proxy.]]

SERENA: We’re here! Dropping out of slip space.

[[SFX: Serena inputs commands and the ship drops out of slip space. Feston’s voice calls from the passageway as he comes running in with a tray of assorted beverages.]]

FESTON: Hey, Ms. Sej! I didn’t know your tastes so I just got one of everything. We’ve got like eight kinds of Daxxy soft drink I wouldn’t really recommend, a left over Shankhouse Shake, chilled Dreckle milk, some regular water, or I—I could make you some tea, I just didn’t want to take too much ti--

DIBARA: It’s okay, Feston. Thank you, I’ll just take the water.

FESTON: Great! Great! So, When do you first start working in entertainm--

SERENA: Hey Feston, I’ll take a cup of tea… Since you’re offering.

FESTON: ...Sure Serena, I’ll be right back with that.

[[SFX: Feston tursely steps back down the hallway.]]

DIBARA: He’s sort of an odd dreckle, isn’t he?

SERENA: Feston? Eh, you warm up to him after a while.

DIBARA: So tell me about your adventures!

SERENA: Well… okay. It was just when I was starting out, there was this call coming from the Cenorian Nebula, and this was right around the Pirate Wars of ‘06… 

[[MUSIC: Light tones.]]

-- SCENE 02:

[[SFX: The long entrance way of Dibara’s lavish residence.]]

DIBARA: This way you, two!

[[SFX: The main door slides open in the distance and TWO CHECK runs out.]]

TWO CHECK: Dibara!... Welcome home! Are you excited for tonight?

DIBARA: Yes, thank you, Two-Check. It has been a day. (calling back to Feston & Serena) Chop chop, you two!

FESTON: Coming, Ms. Sej! (to Serena) Wow, what an amazing property? Super high tech but without any of the appearance of being high-tech, you know what I mean? This is really how the other half lives.

[[SFX: Feston and Serena pick up the pace.]]

SERENA: Feston, a word of advice. The last thing fancy big wigs are impressed by is people who are impressed by fancy big wigs. If you really want Dibara to look at your podcast, you need to chill juuuust a little.

FESTON: I’m chill! Who said I’m not chill? Did Dibara say I’m not chill?!

SERENA: Welp, I tried…

TWO CHECK: Hi there! Thank you so much for helping Ms. Sej. Tonight’s event can’t happen without her.

DIBARA: Indeed. Thank you..

SERENA: No problem!

TWO CHECK: I’m Two Check, Ms. Sej.’s new assistant. Please, let me show you in.

[[SFX: They step in and the door slides closed behind them. Dibara’s home is incredibly calming while also being incredibly technological, like the rest of the planet.]]
[[MUSIC: Awe-inspiring]]

FESTON: Wooooow, cool pad.

DIBARA: Thank you, Two-Check has been an absolute life-saver helping me prep it for the party. Tonight is Red Bow’s primetime seasonal Gala and Upfront Announcement for our coming season of shows. And we are officially announcing our acquisition of the popular interstellar podcast platform, Unipod! Do you listen to Podcasts?

[[SFX: Feston faints. Serena tries to catch him but fails]]

DIBARA: (cont.) Oh! Is he okay?

SERENA: Yeah, yeah. He’s… like this. (to Feston) Hey bud? You doin’ okay?

FESTON: (coming to) So zowy… 

DIBARA: What did he say?

SERENA: Nothing, he’s just a little dehydrated.

DIBARA: Yes, well, I’m off to get ready. Do feel free to enjoy the property.

TWO CHECK: Ma’am, there is a software patch to your neuro-link that we should update before tonight for the clearest transmission.

DIBARA: Duty calls! Oh, Two-Check will you make sure to synth our guests some formal attire for the party? Take any room above the second floor. See you two this evening!

[[SFX: Dibara and Two-Check exit.]]

FESTON: Oo, I hope they make me a fluxedo! I’ve always wanted to be that shiny. 

SERENA: Okay, let’s go find our rooms, and based on the size of this house, I’m assuming there’ll be plenty.

FESTON: Ya good idea. Hey Proxy?... Proxy? 

[[SFX: Proxy eventually bloips.]]

PROXY: Apologies! I was conversing with the house’s mainframe, we exchanged fruitful discourse about existing as a living space for multiple beings! I also interfaced with our shuttle before that, very nice CPU. I believe I can digitally interact with every being or object on this entire planet!

FESTON: Well don’t let us stop you, Prox! That sounds great!

PROXY: (so excited) I’ll check in shortly!!

[[SFX: Proxy bloips away.]]

FESTON: Great! Let’s go find some rooms, I could use a nap after all this excitement.

[[MUSIC: Cool guitar.]]

[[SFX: A montage as Feston and Serena repeatedly key open door after door and shout out what’s inside.]]

FESTON: Bathroom.

SERENA: Bathroom.

FESTON: Bathroom.

SERENA: …Wait… with another bathroom INSIDE IT?!

FESTON: Indoor Pool!

SERENA: (heavy) High Grav Exercise Room.

FESTON: (light) Zero Grav Mediation Room!

SERENA: Holo-deck.

FESTON: Zowy! A personal Zoo-- oh wait, it’s another holo-deck…

SERENA: Bathroom, COME ON.

FESTON: Clothing Zynth.

SERENA: Food Zynth.

FESTON: Ah, this must be it--

[[SFX: The door to Dibara’s dressing room wooshes open. Two-Check is micro-spot welding a patch into Dibara’s cortical implant.]]

TWO CHECK: Alright, connecting the new module now.

FESTON & SERENA: OH MY GOSH / WE ARE SO SORRY / THIS LOOKED LIKE AN OPEN ROOM / OUR BAD!

DIBARA & TWO CHECK: AH! / WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING! / SEFFRA ZAI!

DIBARA: Woo, haha. I’m kidding, it’s totally chill to see someone else’s cyberbrain. You just startled me,-- 

TWO CHECK: I’m going to continue.

DIBARA: -- busting in here.

[[SFX: Another slight spot weld pops as TWO CHECK makes an adjustment.]]

DIBARA: (like she’s being tickled, starts to laugh a little) I mean, the look on Two-Check’s face was very funny (laughing even more) I have two say, you two are funny enough to be in the business!

FESTON: Well funny you should mention--

SERENA: Later, Feston.

DIBARA: (laughing even more now) I’m glad we ran into each other, you bring nice young energy around the place.

SERENA: Yeah... you feeling okay, Dibara?

TWO CHECK: Just one more adjustment…

[[SFX: One final spot weld; Dibara’s implant powers up.]]

DIBARA: (laughter subsiding unnaturally quickly) Yes, never better, Serena. All done Two-Check?

TWO CHECK: Yes ma’am.

DIBARA: Excellent. And now I’ll ask you all to show yourselves out so I may get changed. Two-Check, will you show our guests to some rooms? I understand the house can be a little daunting to navigate.

[[SFX: A bell rings.]]

DIBARA: Thank you. Oh, It’s getting late! Everyone get changed and I’ll see you down at the party in a dozen ticks.

FESTON: Sounds great! And hey maybe after the festivities, you and I can sit down and talk a little about podcasting. Adventure. Entertainment!

DIBARA: Um… Sure! Why not?

FESTON: Excellen-- hunh!

[[SFX: SERENA pulls Feston by the collar as she leaves.]]

SERENA: Thanks, Dibara! See you tonight! Two-Check, lead the way.

[[SFX: They exit and the door closes behind them. The three walk in brief silence.]]

SERENA: So Two-Check… like working for Dibara?

TWO CHECK: (tense) It’s fine.

FESTON: You okay, friend? You seem a little tense.

[[SFX: Two Check stops in his tracks. Serena and Feston stop as well.]]

TWO CHECK: Yes, sorry. I just… don’t enjoy being scared. 

[[SFX: He continues his walk and they follow.]]

SERENA: (friendly) Yeah, me neither. So, uh, where’d you work before this?

TWO CHECK: Other side of the planet.

SERENA: What was that like?

TWO CHECK: Not as nice as this…

FESTON: Tell me about it. I mean, a different bathroom for every day of the week? Jelly-ice dispenser in the fridge? Pretty sweet gig.

TWO CHECK: (softening) Ha, right. Uh, anyway, the guests will be arriving soon, here’s a room for you both. I’ll go get your clothes. 

[[SFX: Two Check walks away down the hallway. As he exits earshot Proxy sends out a negative bloip from Feston’s multi-tool.]]

FESTON: Prox, you okay?

PROXY: Yes, Feston, I was just trying to handshake with Two-Check’s multi-tool but it has some kind of encryption software that sent me back an error message.

FESTON: How rude. Wait, is that rude?

SERENA: Alright, come on you two. I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

[[MUSIC: Space party.]]

-- SCENE 03:

[[SFX: Sounds of the very filled, very high-class party outside the large gender-neutral public restroom. There is a toilet’s particle phase flush. Serena stands at a mirror exerting a lot of force on her Fluxedo.]]

SERENA: Kakking… Fluxedos…

[[SFX: Feston exits the stall that just flushed and cleans his hands at the Bacterion Foam Dispenser next to Serena.]]

FESTON: Heyyy, look at us. We look great! Except your shoulders are a little lumpy…

SERENA: It’s my--

[[SFX: Serena pushes the shoulder guard into place through the fluxedo.]]

SERENA:-- armor. It won’t sit right under this thing.

FESTON: Okay, was Two-Check a little suspicious? Yes. Do I think you’re going to need armor at a cocktail event? Only if you’re trying to scare off the best chance at Intergalactic Podcasting Fame we’ll ever have! Is that what you're trying to do, Serena?

[[SFX: Serena stops and steps in close to Feston.]]

SERENA: You know one time, on the planet Lerol, I was kicking back for a little R&R after a strike mission in the asteroid belt. Got an invite to a weekend at a 5 star rejuvenation spa complete with ionic sound baths, detoxifying clay massage, and even a nice little book club for the socially inclined. But you know how I ended up spending my weekend? Fighting off the Lerolian Salt Hydra that escaped from the secret underground beauty test lab right below the spa! And guess what I was wearing.

FESTON: (uh.. uh…) …a towel?

SERENA: A TOWEL! And do you know how many innocent, towel-wearing spa patrons got eaten by that extremely angry,  totally wrinkle-free Hydra? Almost all of them. So I’m gonna keep my armor on at this fancy shmancy dinner party so that when things go crazy sideways - like I know they will - I can say ‘I told you so’! Zowy?

FESTON: Very zowy. The most zowy.

SERENA: Good.

[[SFX: Applause outside the bathroom, indicating Dibara’s speech is about to begin.]]

SERENA: Showtime, Pyxis. 

[[SFX: Serena saunters out and her Fluxedo sounds a little like cowboy spurs.]]

FESTON: Maybe I should get some armor… nah, I’d never pull it off.

[[SFX: Feston takes a breath and follows her lead out into the courtyard, where an entire gala amount of party tables, guests, and a stage with Dibara have been set up.]]

DIBARA: Friends, Trellians of all sorts! Thank you for joining us this evening. As always, it is with our highest gratitude that we welcome you to Red Bow Broadcasting’s Annual Charity Gala and Program Schedule Unveiling. We provide you, and the rest of the universe, with the entertainment you crave. The stories that move you. And tonight’s new slate of programming is sure to knock your limb covers off! But first, I have a little house-keeping. It is with great joy I can announce that Red Bow is officially acquiring…. hahahaha ahahaha ahahahahahaha (a la the previous tickling laugh.)

[[MUSIC: Erratic beats.]]

[[SFX: Awkward silence. A beat.]]

DIBARA: (awkward laugh) How strange, had a little short circuit there, please forgive me. What I meant to say was: Red Bow Broadcasting is officially acquiring--the-ch-- some transmission technology that finally won’t make you want to pull your hair out!

[[SFX: Audible gasps.]]

DIBARA: (panicking) I’m so sorry, I’m not quite sure what’s happening-- For my next trick, I’d like to tell you all that I pee’d my sleep pod ‘til I was 10 cycles!

[[SFX: More gasps. Chaos is starting. Dibara continues speaking underneath Feston & Serena.]]

DIBARA: (underneath) Fast forwarding a little, Miiko, in my mid-tier education pod who I just though was the cutest. And I was going to ask him to our end of term social, but when I found out he has a crush on my worst enemy, Gerendine, I did something I’ve never told anyone about. I called Gerendine’s parents and told them I’d seen her inhaling solder fumes in engineering class! Well, that put a stop to Gerendine and Miiko going to the social together I’ll tell you right now…

SERENA: You thinking what I’m thinking?

FESTON: I thought Two-Check was just awkward, but was totally plotting stuff? 

SERENA: Told ya so. Find him. I’ll go help Dibara.

FESTON: Okay but what if I help Dibara and you go find--

SERENA: Feston!

FESTON: Fine…Two-Check? Two Check, you in the area? I need to talk to you about some… stuff. (to himself) Nice one Feston, he’ll totally believe that.

[[SFX: Feston runs off.]]

DIBARA: ... And you know what? I’m not even ashamed because Miiko and I stayed close and he ended up being my first--

SERENA: Sorry about this, Dibara!

[[SFX: Serena tackles Dibara away from the mic. The audience goes “oooh!” There are grunts from both Serena and Dibara. Serena starts to wrestle/carry Dibara away from the stage while she protests.]]

SERENA: Let’s take a little break, Dibara.

DIBARA: No! Noooooooo! I have more secrets to confess! We haven’t even reached my late-tier education!!

[[SFX: One of Dibara’s cyborg legs swings wild and Serena strains to keep a grip on her.]]

SERENA: Okay! I’m gonna ask you to keep your mechanical super legs inside the vessel at all times! C’mon, you’re coming with me!

DIBARA: Let me go you hooligan! I must confeeeeeess!

[[SFX: Serena wrestles Dibara into the house and closes a door behind them. With Dibara’s spectacle gone, the crowd quiets for a moment. An awkward cough. Feston walks onstage and picks up the mic.]]

FESTON: Uh, hi everyone. Well, that was weird, huh? Anyway, completely and totally unrelated to all that: is Two Check in the audience? His... hovercar is getting towed and I really need to talk to him... about that.

[[SFX: Someone drops and shatters a glass as they are rudely pushed aside.]]

SOMEONE: Hey! Watch out!

[[SFX: More commotion as Two Check runs from the venue.]]

FESTON: Hey there he goes! Two-Check get back here!... I need to talk to you about your hovercar!

[[SFX: Feston pushes into the crowd.]]

[[MUSIC: Space 80’s.]]

--SCENE 04:

[[SFX: The door of Dibara’s dressing room whooses open and Serena drags a flailing Dibara inside, closing the door behind her.]]

SERENA: Okay, we’re back in your room and we’re just going to stay nice and calm. No! Don’t you even think about it--

[[SFX: Cyborg joints hydraulically flex and Serena gets thrown across the room, breaking a cabinet. She recovers and cracks her neck.]]

SERENA: Man, you robo-leg types are really forcing me to find a way to level the playing field-- Whoa! 

[[SFX: Dibara hurls a chair at Serena, which explodes on the wall as Serena tumbles to dodge.]]

SERENA: Big D, I’m not letting you leave this room. You need my help, okay?

DIBARA: I AM A LIAR AND A FRAUD, ALL MY SECRETS MUST BE REVEEEEEEEALED!

SERENA: Now now, that doesn’t sound like my new friend Dibara--

[[SFX: As she says Dibara, Serena grabs up a bed sheet and lunges. She ties Dibara up in the sheet, cinching her protests shut.]]

SERENA: There. Niiice and comfy.

[[MUSIC: Space 80’s fades.]]

-- SCENE 05:

[[SFX: Feston still fighting through the crowd.]]

FESTON: Two Check? Two Check? Shoot, nothing...Proxy, you there? I know you’re having fun talking to the toaster but I really need a hand here.

PROXY: Feston! I was just talking to the pool system! I’d love to help but I don’t think you will be able to handshake without the necessary cerebral implants. 

[[MUSIC: Groovy Calm Techno.]]

FESTON: No no...Wait… Proxy that’s it! Can you locate Two-Check’s multi-tool for me? The one that doesn’t want to handshake with you? It should be the only piece of equipment on this whole property that kicks you back an error.

[[SFX: Proxy runs code.]]

PROXY: I have located Two-Check, hethey appears to be entering the parking garage directly ahead.

FESTON: Proxy, I could handshake the crap outta you right now!

[[SFX:  Feston starts running through the crowd, bumping into high end entertainment people.]]

FESTON: ‘Scuse me! Sorry! Hey, loved you on Fantasy Asteroid! Sorry! On a chase. Follow my podcast, it’s called StarTripper!! I think it’s really got legs!

PROXY: You are approaching the edge of the crowd.

[[SFX: Feston passes the last person and is now running across the dewy evening lawn to the parking structure. Serena comm.’s him.]]

SERENA: Hey, you find Two-Check yet?

FESTON: Hey Serena, working on it. You have Dibara?

SERENA: Ya and I think I’ve seen this before. Pretty sure Dibara’s cyberbrain is being hacked.

FESTON: Hacked?! How sure?

DIBARA: (in background of call) SOMETIMES WHEN I’M ALONE I EAT MY BOOGIES!

SERENA: Like 90% sure. We need to get Two-Check’s multi-tool and shut down whatever this code is before Dibara--

[[SFX: SFX: Dibara rips the bed sheet with a raging yell, jumps through the door of her prep room and disappears down the hallway.]]

SERENA: Kakking... Dibara’s headed back to her podium. FIND TWO-CHECK!

FESTON: On it.

PROXY: He is currently on the second floor of the parking structure.

FESTON: Ugh.

[[SFX: Feston reaches a side door, throws it open and runs up the stairs to the second level. He steps onto the landing and sees Two-Check just reaching an escape van across the lot.]]

FESTON: Two-Check!

[[SFX: SFX: Two-Check gets in the van, starts it up and peels down the ramp to the first floor. Feston runs over to the edge of the parking structure and sticks his head out over the breezy fall.]]

FESTON: Proxy, how many exits are there to this parking structure?

PROXY: Only the one directly below us.

FESTON: Yep… Thought so.

[[SFX: Feston climbs up onto the ledge. The Van’s engine gets louder as it approaches the exit directly below.]]

FESTON:Hey Prox? Let’s order me some body armor when we get back on the ship, huh? Think I’m gonna need it... JUMP.

[[SFX: Feston jumps and falls about 20 feet, slams onto the roof of the van with a huge denting sound, and knocks the wind out of himself.]]

FESTON: (coughing) Oooooh. Yep, I think I torqued my verbula…

[[SFX: SFX: The van screeches to a halt and Two-Check gets out and lies down on the ground.]]

TWO CHECK: (panicked) I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please stop chasing me!

FESTON: Ya... sounds great. Just let me get down off this van real quick…

[[SFX: Still super comedically hurt, Feston gingerly slides down the side of the van and onto ground. Propped against the van, Feston opens his comm.]]

FESTON: Serena, I have Two-Check.

[[SFX: Dibara is in the background of Serena’s comm.]]

DIBARA: Everyone listen up!.... SKOODLE BIG DOODLE PUG!!! Hahahahahahahahaha--

SERENA: Tell him to stop the hack...or else.

FESTON: You heard her, Two-Check. And I don’t think that’s someone you want to piss off.

TWO CHECK: Right, right.... Okay, I’m shutting it down. 

[[SFX: Two-Check pulls out his multi-tool and tabs a command; the transmission ceases.]]

DIBARA: WE’RE CANCELLING DR. DOME HAHAHA! AND FINALLY, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I THINK OF ALL OF YOUUUUuuuu oo, wow. I’ve got a headache…

Beat.

DIBARA: Uuuuuh, why is everyone staring at me?

SERENA: Hiiii Dibara, so, there’s been a little issue--

[[SFX: Feston clicks off his comm.]]

FESTON: I’ll take the multi-tool.

[[SFX: Two Check hands it to Feston.]]

FESTON: Thank you. (beat) So what’s going on, Two-Check? You don’t really strike me as the evil hacker type.

[[MUSIC: Swelling tones.]]

TWO CHECK: I really work for The Galaxy Network, Red Bow’s top competitor... We were in talks with Unipod as well. And a couple of weeks ago when Dibara’s assistant abruptly quit, TGN made me apply for the job. We just needed a little more time for a counter offer, so I was supposed to delay the announcement by a night or two. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, though. Originally, I just discharged Dibara’s ship batteries so she’d get stuck off planet and miss the party, but then you two showed up and… my boss sent me this chip for Dibara last minute. I didn’t really... I made a mistake. I’m new there, and my boss told me I needed to do this if I wanted TGN to have a future. If I wanted to have a future at TGN... and I made a mistake.

(Beat.)

FESTON: (full comical tears) Oh Zai preserve, Two Check— I just— I know how you feel, buddy! Pressure from the head office. It’s a toughy… I can’t really tell if the tears are your story or my torqued verbula, but seriously, we’re going to figure this out, okay? 

TWO CHECK: Okay… Thanks, Feston.

PROXY: Security personnel are en route. Feston, I have also informed emergency services that you may need medical attention. The Emergency Communications System sends you its regards.

FESTON: (through tears) Thanks, Prox. Everything on this planet is so nice.

[[MUSIC: Bright mandolin.]]

[[SFX: Sirens approach in the distance. Fade out.]]

-- SCENE 06:

[[SFX: A med-bay; a heart rate monitor beeps. Serena helps Feston scratch an itchy spot under his torso cast.]

FESTON: A little bit to the right. A little more. Oh ya, that’s the spot. 

SERENA: Yuck. How long did they say you’d be in this cast?

FESTON: I don’t wanna talk about it. Oh hey, Travelers! Turns out my Verbula is fine. I just broke some ribs! Haha! Oh, it hurts to laugh. Anyway, Two Check turned himself in. It was sad, but body hacking is a serious crime. He’s going to make a deal with the authorities though, give them some dirt on that terrible company that put him up to it in the first place. We’re hoping he gets a little lighter punishment. Dibara’s here too, she announced Red Bow’s acquiring Unipod and then jumped in the medi-van for the Doctors to give her a full health check and remove that rogue chip. She’s doing great.  Say ‘Hi’, Big D.

DIBARA: (across the room) Hi there! Big thanks to Feston and Serena the Sapphire Blade!

FESTON: Yeah! Dibara’s all over our favorite warrior. Made Serena a pretty hefty offer to sign off on an adventure show based on her Circle of Vatra runs! But Serena declined, not her thing...lame.  Oh, and it looks like Prox is going to be starting a little side project. It’s called Prox Talk - an easy breezy convo pod where Proxy interviews telecommunication systems, security walls, drink dispensers, pretty much anything she meets! I think it’s only going up on the Inter-Object Link via the Wave so unfortunately we mere organics won’t be able to listen. (whispered) Dibara has not made any offers to yours truly yet, but don’t worry Travelers, I’ll definitely pitch her the show before we leave.

SERENA: (whispered) No you will not, you’re gonna let that nice lady rest.

FESTON: (whispered) Oh… right. Okay well, farewell Travelers, stay safe, and see you next time on…. Staaaaaartripp- ow…ow.

[[SFX: Musical Fade-out.]]

– END –

CREDITS: StarTripper!! was created by Julian Mundy, hey that’s me! And produced by Mischa Stanton, Ian McQuown, and me.

“Body Problems” was written & directed by Ian McQuown, with a story by yours truly, sound design by Mischa Stanton, and performances by Ian McQuown as Feston, Sierra Shay as Proxy, Sammi Lappin as Serena, Helen Hong as Dibara, and John Omohundro as Two-Check. Recorded at a safe social distance with production help from Lauren Shippen and Evan Cunningham. Music by Ketsa. For more, check out ketsamusic.com. Additional music this episode by Jahzzar.

Check us out on the Wave at StarTripperHQ.com for transcripts and links to subscribe on your podbank of choice, or on social media @StarTripperHQ where we love sharing fan art and other show-related stuff. Need the most recent show announcements or updates? Our Twitter feed is the best place to look.

If you want to support the show, and are in a position to do so, you can find us on Patreon. That’s Patreon.com/StarTripper. Even a regular $1 pledge helps us immensely to keep making cool shows for you, which we would love to keep doing.

Thank you for flying with us; we’ll be back in November. Until then, here’s this week’s StarTrip Survival Tip:

In diplomatic situations, you can always do something ruder than the last thing you did. No, put that down, that one is for salad. Honestly.