019: An Astichor Special

produced by Julian Mundy, Mischa Stanton & Ian McQuown
story by Julian Mundy
written, Directed & sound design By Mischa STanton
[BACK]

[[INTRO]]

[[MUSIC: “Wild Plain”]]

>> Scene 01:

[[SFX: A fuel stop; ships pass all around. FESTON makes a call on his omni-tool.]]

FESTON: We’re at a fuel stop near the Modigant Rift, so we should be there in... a few dozen ticks, give or take. Does that work?

NIAZO: Should be just enough time to clear away some of the clutter in Hangar Bay 4 for you.

FESTON: And you’re sure you don’t mind us crashing at your place while you work?

NIAZO: If that’s the price I must pay for a closer look at that ship of yours, then that’s what it is.

FESTON: ...Say “closer look” without quite so much “I’m gonna chop it to bits” glee in your eyes, and we’ve got a deal. I really appreciate it Niazo. Oh, before I forget, I don’t know if you’ve been listening to the show at all but y’all know I have an added crew member, right?

RIPPLE: Oh yeah, no worries, that’ll be great! The more the merrier, as far as I’m concerned.

NIAZO: Ripple, you’re never concerned. That’s half the problem!

RIPPLE: Well, hey! Sometimes I get… no, actually you’re pretty much right. Still, we’ve got plenty of bunks to pick from, make yourselves at home!

FESTON: [coolly] Oh, it’s what I do.

NIAZO: Just give us a call when you’re in our upper atmo and we’ll guide you in.

[[SFX: a PTANG! as something metal bursts in a dangerous way.]]

NIAZO: Oh no, the pressure de-couplers!! Gotta go Z-List, catch you later!

RIPPLE: [laughs brightly] I better go too. See you soon, Feston. [blows kiss]

FESTON: Hehehe. Later Ripple.

[[SFX: FESTON ends the call. SERENA returns with an armful of snack bags, munching out of one.]]

FESTON: And there you have it, travelers! Today on STARTRIPPER!!–I’m Feston Pyxis, of course, and Serena’s on her way back over with snacks–it looks like we’re headed back to the planet Vadal!

SERENA: [munching] Was that your friends? What’d they say?

FESTON: They’re ready and waiting for us! But for a cluttered hangar bay, which is par for the course around Zo. Loyal listeners may remember my gearhead friend, whose skiff exploded out from underneath us chasing the Freeswimmer last season. She’s offered us a tune-up & inspection as we pass through their region of space, and I cannot WAIT to see her, Ripple & XL again! Plus, Vadal is one of my personal favorite places I’ve been so far. We’ll crash by the beach for a couple of days, get our baby detailed, drink a little, dance a little, and be on our way once more. Ah, the life of an itinerant good-time-haver!

[[MUSIC: Fun guitar.]]

SERENA: Yeah yeah. Good times won’t pay the lumberjack. We really gotta get an engineer on this crew... How much is this little “tune-up” gonna cost us?

FESTON: HAH! Yeah, after last time? Don’t worry. Niazo owes me one.

>> SCENE 02:

[[SFX: The ship lands in NIAZO’s hangar, a ramshackle garage right near the beach; the sound of the water can be heard through the open doors. FESTON opens the cargo bay and walks down the ramp.]]

FESTON: Hey fam!!

NIAZO: Hey Feston! Welcome back.

FESTON: Glad to be back, good buddy. XL, the big dawg! How you doin? Livin large, as usual?

XL: Yup.

FESTON: Classic!

NIAZO: How’s Proxy doing?

PROXY: [on the multitool; bwoip!] I believe I am within nominal definitions of “fine,” thank you for asking! But I eagerly await our appointment.

NIAZO: Absolutely! Unless y’all wanna eat first, or something? Blah blah hospitality, you know. Not my area. Is your crewmate coming?

[[SFX: SERENA walks out.]]

FESTON: Of course! Niazo, XL, this is Serena! Serena, Niazo & XL.

SERENA: ‘Sup? Thanks for fixing up the ship, and giving us a place to crash.

NIAZO: Uh… Uh… 

SERENA: Is something wrong?

XL: ...Huh!

SERENA: What’s that, big fella?

XL: ...uh…Showdown Central.

SERENA: Oh, yeah! That was me. You saw that?

XL: Nice work.

SERENA: Thanks.

FESTON: And coming from them, that really means a lot!

[[SFX: XL beats their chest in salute.]]

XL: Khavok halat sah turmas.

FESTON: Whoa!

SERENA: ...And I would accept, with honor.

FESTON: Hey, Zo, are you ok over there?

NIAZO: Um… Uh, that is… uh…. Arms?…Arms…

FESTON: [struggles to contain a laugh]

SERENA: Okay, I’m not like a hundred percent sure what’s happening right now but y’all need to sort yourselves out.

NIAZO: Uhh–YEAH! Yeah, absolutely, I’ll just uh, I’ll just get started!

[[SFX: NIAZO scurries onto the ship and into the engine room.]]

FESTON: Hey, wait up!

[[MUSIC: Nebulous tones.]]

[[SFX: NIAZO enters the StarTripper engine room.]]

NIAZO: Okay, Proxy, you there?

PROXY: [bwoip!] Of course, Niazo, ready to begin.

NIAZO: Let’s start with the basic sequence, I guess. Does that work for you?

PROXY: [doing an impression of a character] “It’s your show Doc, I’m just the stage!”

NIAZO: Haha, nice, Starship Eidolon! I used to love that show.

PROXY: I’ve become fond of it myself. Nice to see positive portrayals of synthetic sapients on the Wave.

NIAZO: Agreed. Okay, let’s start with intake valves.

[[SFX: Servo flaps rotating in unison; pneumatic pressure releasing.]]

NIAZO: Excellent. Now flush please, and then we’ll check the sparker? 

[[SFX: Liquid fuel empties from the intake valves without igniting.]]

PROXY: Of course. Don’t want to cause an explosion from just a test of the injectors.

NIAZO: Don’t threaten me with a good time…

[[SFX: The pair laugh; there’s clearly a bit of chemistry. Then NIAZO freezes and turns to look at the other crew, only now remembering they were there.]]

NIAZO: Hey guys... don’t tell Ripple I was flirting with a ship. Again.

FESTON: Who, us? Oh we would never!

SERENA: [smirking] Unless Ripple listens to the podcast. Does she? Listen to the podcast?

XL: Hah.

FESTON: ...Y’know what, why don’t we stop collecting blackmail material and get out of your hair. Let us know if you find anything weird or cool, and bill us for any parts you need or anything. Have fun kids… but don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!

NIAZO: Kak me, I’m never gonna hear the end of this.

>> SCENE 03:

[[SFX: Ripple’s bar, not very crowded. Light music plays on the juke. RIPPLE pours a drink for FESTON.]]

XL: [imitating a complex chokehold] Hup! Hyoh! Mm-hmm! Serpent-lock.

RIPPLE: Oh man, yeah! I loved that one. And the way you turned that Midnight Lance back on Rahzia Deyma in your final bout?? Oh man her face! [laughs warmly] That was zowy as HELL.

SERENA: That good, huh?

RIPPLE: Oh XL and I watch every bout of Showdown Central! Need something to do during the cold season, with the Freeswimmer on the other side of the continent chasing currents. Especially that final bout with Deyma. I have never seen two fighters go after each other like that! It clearly meant a lot to both of you.

SERENA: Oh yeah, er, we had a… couple a things to work out.

RIPPLE: [sensing a sore subject, trying to pick the mood back up] So, uh, Serena, tell us about yourself. How long have you been with the Circle?

SERENA: Oh, about six standard years now, I guess.

RIPPLE: I bet you’ve been all over, you’re a perfect match for this lil grubbling over here.

FESTON: Hey! I resemble that remark!

SERENA: Yeah, I mean, it’s a rambling sorta life. Not too much to tie you down.

RIPPLE: Family?

SERENA: Scattered among the stars, here and there. We don’t talk much. It’s not bad or anything, we’re just busy living our lives.

RIPPLE: Sure, I hear ya. But like, what kinda things do you get up to out there? Beyond what I’ve been hearing on the show.

SERENA: The usual, I guess? Travelling, picking up gigs. Righting a few wrongs, where I can. Helping out. I’ve worked on farms, in factories, even an office once, very briefly... I was in a band for a while–

FESTON: [spit-take] Uhm, ba-SCUSE ME?!–

RIPPLE: –Ew, dude, come on–

FESTON: –I did NOT know this!! You were in a BAND?!

SERENA: Yeah man, I don’t tell you everything!

FESTON: You hardly tell me ANYTHING, Serena! And, I mean, I respect your privacy, of course, but at the same time.... I wanna knowww! Stuff!! About my friend!

RIPPLE: Yeah Serena, we wanna know about you! Tell us.

RIPPLE & FESTON: Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!

[[SFX: A call comes in for FESTON.]]

FESTON: Oh! Hold that thought...

SERENA: [to herself] Oh thank the night.

FESTON: Yo, Zo, what do you know?

NIAZO: Z-LIST GET YOUR GLOWIES BACK HERE, I SWEAR I’M FREAKING MY SHIT OFF!

FESTON: Whoa, whoa! Is everything all right with the ship? What’s going on?

NIAZO: Oh, yeah, sure if by “all right” you mean “runs on hocus-pocus miracle bull-junk!”

FESTON: Okay, you’re really starting to worry me now, would you mind using some explaining words before I pop something?

NIAZO: Okay. I’m checking her primary pathways, and in this junction I found this unit, this drive, this… I don’t know what it is! And it’s controlling vital systems, and taking SUBSTANTIAL power draw, and it’s showing signs of stress which you can probably guess is NOT great, and I don’t know what it is! I don’t know what it is. Why don’t I know what this is, Z-List?? What the hell did you bring me?! MY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SOME KIND OF SENSE! 

SERENA: I can’t tell if she’s angry, or excited, or about to break something.

RIPPLE: Welcome to my world. We better get back, before she freaks her shit all the way off and does something… innovative, with that arc-welder.

NIAZO: NYAAAAAAAHHHHG!

[[SFX: NIAZO ends the call.]]

FESTON: What was that last one? “Nyaaahg?”

RIPPLE: [wearily] I dunno, man, I just live here.

>> SCENE 04:

[[SFX: ZO’s garage. The gang sits around a workbench. PROXY is wired into the garage sound system. NIAZO scans the thingy with a scanner.]]

FESTON: It’s stamped with “NVM.” Proxy, what’s that stand for?

PROXY: [bwoip!] That’s my primary engine Nerve Module.

NIAZO: I’m still pulling apart all the functions, this thing is like a micro-spider hive of networked pathways. It’s got an internal slipspace probe, and even its own little processing core woven in. Damn, that’s… beautiful work.

SERENA: I mean, that sounds kinda like a brain, right? Nerve, pathway, network, processor. Those are brain words.

FESTON: So we detached part of your brain? Prox, are you feelin’ alright like that?

PROXY: It’s certainly taking more effort to reach my engine diagnostics than I’m comfortable with. As long as we’re in a garage I can ignore it, but flying like this would definitely be a challenge. If you wouldn’t mind putting it back when you’re done, I’d appreciate it.

FESTON: [sober] You got it, Proxy. Of course.

NIAZO: Yeah, I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave this out for too long. But I’m also not loving the fraying I’m seeing on these input nodes. You’re gonna have to find a replacement before too too long. And I’ll tell you something else, this architecture is… familiar, somehow.

[[MUSIC: Warm, inspiring.]]

FESTON: What do you mean?

NIAZO: I mean, this is custom work, and custom work is personal. It’s like a snowflake, no two exactly alike in the same storm.

RIPPLE: What do you know about snow? It’s snowed here like, once, when we were five.

NIAZO: Shut up! You know what I mean. Like, take a look at anything in this workshop, and it’s got my grubby pawprints all over it. Every weld, every solder, every circuit path and pipe fitting and throughput valve. I’m the only one who makes ‘em like that. And I could swear I’ve seen this maker before. Let me see…

[[SFX: NIAZO rotates the NVM in the scanner with a whir, then pops a panel open.]]

NIAZO: ...Oh my gosh… OH. MY. KAKKING. GOSH.

RIPPLE: Is that a maker’s mark?

FESTON: Uh...

NIAZO: Bile-eating spawn of an investment banker, would you look at what that says?!

FESTON: [squinting to read] “An Astichor Special.”

NIAZO: AN ASTICHOR. KAKKING. SPECIAL. IN MY SHOP. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! WOO!

[[SFX: The crew reacts with dead silence.]]

NIAZO: None of you know who Astichor is, do you?

FESTON: Let’s go ahead and pretend we don’t. Who are they?

NIAZO: Only a systems integration PRODIGY! 5D mesh nodes. Capillary welds. Injection nanopores. Pathway pingbacks so fast you’d swear they violated causality. Techniques decades ahead of the jokers who dare to call themselves “ahead of their time.” Dude’s practically a legend! But I heard they’re a recluse. Sends out stuff to all over the galaxy, all from their hometown.

FESTON: Huh…A spaceship artisan that never leaves home… That’s a little sad, don’tcha think?

RIPPLE: Hey, not all of us can get away, Lorvian. For one reason or another.

FESTON: ...Sorry.

RIPPLE: You always mean well, hun, that’s why we keep you around.

FESTON: Haha!

NIAZO: Sad or not, if you wanna replace this Nerve Module thingy, you’re gonna have to get one from Astichor.

SERENA: Where do they live?

XL: Candesser.

NIAZO: ...XL, how do you know that?

XL: Eh, bartending.

FESTON: Hey, sweet, I didn’t know you were picking up shifts.

PROXY: Charting a course for the Candesser system… Seamless route achieved.

[[SFX: FESTON takes the NVM from the scanner.]]

FESTON: Looks like we’re back in the sky sooner than expected, gang! Let me just, plug this thing back in first. Now… [efforts: okay, but how does– kakkin– okay, there, no…] which side’s the top?

NIAZO: Oh for Zai’s sake, give me that…

[[SFX: NIAZO grabs it and tromps off.]]

[[MUSIC: Space disco.]]

>> SCENE 05:

[[SFX: The bridge of the StarTripper. Engines on, fuel pump go. FESTON, SERENA & NIAZO strap in.]]

RIPPLE: You remembered your balance inhaler, right?

NIAZO: [hyperventilating a little] Yep! Got it.

SERENA: I thought you were an engine nerd, you get launchsick?

RIPPLE: The only trip we ever actually took off-world was a field trip in grade school. Ended up trying to dodge pieces of her lunch floating through the cabin the whole ride.

NIAZO: I’ll be fine. Just playing it safe.

RIPPLE: Fat lot of good that does me, babe, I’ll never shake that memory.

FESTON: And you’re not worried about the fraying nodes, or whatever you said?

NIAZO: One trip won’t be a huge problem. I thought about taking one of my skiffs instead, but a lot of them are stripped down right now to cut weight for atmospheric maneuvers. Besides, I remembered that if y’all were gonna be onboard you might… [shudders] ugh. Touch things.

FESTON: I do like touching things, it’s true. You sure you can’t come along Ripple?

RIPPLE: Nah, I gotta run the bar, and take care of that one.

XL: [chuffs] Same.

RIPPLE: (to NIAZO) But be careful, okay sweet? Try to stay out of trouble.

NIAZO: I make no promises.

RIPPLE: I think it’s really cute you’re trying to help. [kisses ZO on the cheek]

NIAZO: I’ll be back before you know it.

[[SFX: RIPPLE walks over to FESTON’s side of the cabin.]]

RIPPLE: Well Feston, I guess you owe me a dance!

FESTON: Put it on my tab, barkeep!

RIPPLE: [kisses FESTON on the cheek] Will do. And Serena?

SERENA: Huh?

RIPPLE: Call me!

SERENA: Yeah, uh, ok…

[[SFX: The canopy closes, and NIAZO begins takeoff sequence.]]

SERENA: Ripple’s very, uh… Friendly.

FESTON: Probably why she makes such a good bartender!

SERENA: I thought you two were together, Zo. That doesn’t bother you?

NIAZO: Why should it? I don’t need all of that personally. Not my area. But that’s who she is. What am I gonna do, stop her? Ripple loves everyone she meets, and I love her for it.

[[MUSIC: Earnest piano.]]

FESTON: That’s Vadal for you: families in all shapes and sizes. Their marriage licenses can get a little out of hand sometimes, but now that I’m past the paperwork I see the beauty. I’m a little more worried about the launch-sickness. You sure you’re gonna be okay?

NIAZO: The only reason I got sick is because I forgot the grav stabilizers when I boosted the field trip shuttle. I was 12. I know where the stabilizers are now. Hang on tight and let’s see what she can do!

[[SFX: The ship takes off like a bat out of hell!]]

FESTON / SERENA: Waaaaah!

>> SCENE 06:

[[SFX: ASTICHOR’s workshop, a small compound deep in the forest. The StarTripper lands on the lawn; the flora is overgrown. The crew disembarks. Twigs snap, leaves scatter and crunch.]]

FESTON: Someone forget to pay the gardener?

SERENA: Yeah, real moody, huh?

FESTON: Yeah…

SERENA: On Arsylla, if you see a house this overgrown, this deep in the forest, you assume it belongs to an Arbormonger and you steer clear.

PROXY: My sensors do not show the presence of a creature that size in the area. That said, atmospheric readings do appear… somewhat eerie…

FESTON: [deeply puzzled] But how do ya… what?

[[SFX: SERENA pounds on the door. After a moment, KEEPER answers with a servo whir.]]

KEEPER: Hello. I am the Housekeeper. Please come in. 

NIAZO: ...Uh…

SERENA: Yeah, same.

[[SFX: The gang enters the shop. Their footsteps echo. KEEPER closes the door and follows on a squeaky wheel.]]

KEEPER: May I fetch you a consumable?

SERENA: ...Spring water?

FESTON: Serena...

SERENA: What? They offered!

NIAZO: Actually, I would also like a water?

ASTICHOR: [entering from the bowels of the shop] Blast it, Keeper, where is that dang quantum slicer? The glue’s gonna set wrong–– Wha– who are you?! How did you get in here?

NIAZO: Ohhhh wow. [hyperventilates]

SERENA: Your Housekeeper let us in?

ASTICHOR: Of course it did, useless thing… should have turned it in for the deposit years ago. Well, out with it, who are you, what do you want.

NIAZO: Uh, hi, Mx Astichor, my name’s Niazo and I’m from the planet Vadal, and I’m a shipwright and uh, I just wanted to say, that I think you’re great, and well, their ship–oh, sorry, that’s Feston and Serena, and they have a ship, and it’s got one of your pieces in it, and, uh… Uh… Uh... Hi. You’re great. Hi.

FESTON: ...Yeah, she can get a little excitable, but that’s basically the gist.

ASTICHOR: Fans of mine, eh? Well, why didn’t you say so! Come in, come in! You need help with a part? What have you got?

NIAZO: It’s a–

[[SFX: Another pounding at the door.]]

KEEPER: Should I let them in??

ASTICHOR: No, dammit–would you stop letting everybody in?? I’m a recluse for Zai’s sake, and you’re defeating the premise! [To our crew:] How many more are you?

FESTON: It’s just us. We’re a small crew, but with room for expansion!

[[SFX: Door pounding.]]

[[MUSIC: Mischievous bass.]]

CHAMBER: [Through door] Astichor! Oh Astichor, I would ask if you’re in but when are you ever not?

ASTICHOR: Pishak (pr. pih-SHAHK)... Here comes trouble.

SERENA: You gonna be okay?

ASTICHOR: It’s my business, just keep out of it.

CHAMBER: Astichor! Don’t make me have my crew break the door down…

[[SFX: Astichor walks over and opens the door. CHAMBER, accompnied by HEAVIES, stroll into the shop foyer.]]

CHAMBER: Why thank you. Don’t mean to crash the party. Astichor, don’t be rude, who are your friends?

ASTICHOR: Don’t have friends, Chamber, just customers. How else do you think I’m gonna pay you back what I owe you?

CHAMBER: Oh, so glad you brought it up! Yes, I’ve been thinking about your repayment schedule, and I’m afraid the timetable just no longer works for us.

ASTICHOR: Now, come on Chamber, be reasonable–

[[SFX: Astichor takes a step forward; one HEAVY lays a hand on his shoulder to stop him with a croak.]]

CHAMBER: I don’t believe you have much say in the matter, Astichor. Beggars, as they say, cannot be choosers. And so I think I’ve settled on an alternate payment method. You see, the business ventures of the Opaque Network are a vast, many-headed beast, like a hungry mama thresher. And the one thing all of them, from racing to shipping, could use? Faster ships. See I’m thinking that you, Astichor, are my guy in the sky. For the next…. while, at least. We’ll start with whatever you’ve got in the shop, and once we’ve run through that supply we’ll talk about custom pieces–

NIAZO: Now hold on just a minute, buddy. You need to get in line!

[[SFX: A HEAVY growls.]]

CHAMBER: Um…. excuse me?

FESTON: Hey, everybody just be cool, all right?

NIAZO: Nah scuz, we were here first! We’re not done with him yet.

FESTON: Ah ah, what she means is… we only need one part, for one ship! It won’t take Astichor very long, and then once we’ve got what we need, then you can, uh… you can have him for as long as you like, I guess.

ASTICHOR: Like hell they will!

[[SFX: ASTICHOR reaches under a desk and takes out a flash grenade, which begins charging.]]

FESTON: A flash grenade? No, come on, don’t–

SERENA: Find cover!

CHAMBER: Bring him to me!

[[SFX: ASTICHOR’s flash-bang goes off and they sprint for the backdoor. The HEAVIES roar, blinded.]] 

[[MUSIC: Adventure guitar.]]

SERENA: Come on, he’s gonna get away!

[[SFX: FESTON, SERENA & NIAZO head for the back and downstairs into the underground escape hangar. ASTICHOR powers up an experimental ship and opens the ceiling for escape.]]

SERENA: Oh no you don’t!

[[SFX: SERENA draws her blade and leaps onto the hood of the ship.]]

NIAZO: She is so cool.

FESTON: Dude, not fair, right? Like, I have to follow this?

ASTICHOR: Please let me go! My passion project is in this ship and I’ve got to get it off-world. It’s my baby, it’s… It’s all I have left. I can’t let Chamber get her grubby Zai-damn mitts on it.

FESTON: We get that, Astichor. But how do you think I feel about my ship? I mean… If I lost Proxy? I don’t really know what I’d do.

ASTICHOR: [recognizing] Proxy?

PROXY: [bwoip!] Please, Astichor. I know you don’t know us. But I’m afraid you are the only one who can fix a fraying Nerve Module. Without your help, I… I don’t know what will happen to me, before long. Please.

[[SFX: HEAVIES descend the stairs.]]

SERENA: If we’re going, we better go now.

ASTICHOR: Fine, fine! If you must. Everybody get in!

[[SFX: NIAZO & FESTON walk the gangway; SERENA climbs down. They get onboard the ship and strap in.]]

FESTON: Prox, take off and find somewhere safe to hunker down. We’ll come back for you.

PROXY: I read you, Feston.

SERENA: Where are we running to?

ASTICHOR: Anywhere but here!

[[SFX: The ship launches.]]

>> SCENE 07:

[[SFX: ASTICHOR’s ship, in flight. It’s fancy, but also rough around the edges.]]

NIAZO: So you recognize the Nerve Module?

ASTICHOR: Yes, it’s definitely one of mine. And what’s more, Nerve Modules never patch the same way twice, the lattice builds itself according to a synaptic growth algorithm I devised. I remember growing this one in particular. What, 35? 40 years ago, now?

NIAZO: Zowy...

FESTON: [eager] You built Proxy??

ASTICHOR: Well, not exactly. There were a bunch of us, all experts in different aspects of ship design, all working at a Physiclast black site back in my younger, wilder days. Ah, I remember them fondly… The furthest edges of research & development! Inspiration pouring over the whole complex. I was contracted for my expertise in engine systems integration. I built… a beautiful schematic. Elegant. Adaptive. Ships so reactive, they could burst forward, cut out, pull impossible turns. Engine systems smarter than Zai herself. Out-maneuver anything else in the sky. 

[[MUSIC: Old coastal violins.]]

PROXY: I don’t like to brag.

ASTICHOR: But alas, we weren’t allowed to swap work, or interact much at all. And when we were done, they claimed the blueprints as proprietary. Chucked us out with the scrap, drowned us all in legal paperwork to keep us quiet. I suspect they have at least a few of us tracked, but I stay low, make sure not to attract much notice. Finding what work I can. Not always above-board. 

SERENA: Hmmph.

ASTICHOR: Listen, you don’t hear me bragging! I just need a little more funding, to get my passion project off the ground. But these days, funding can be hard to come by. And so I reluctantly rely on the likes of Chamber... the parasite.

FESTON: Wait, so… but if they kept all the blueprints… you can rebuild the Nerve Module, right? We didn’t come all this way and run from a shady back-dealing banker and their heavies for nothing?

ASTICHOR: I can’t rebuild it exactly like it was, no. But I can make you a blank, for your Proxy to fill in again. Yes, I still know the way. They can keep their drawings, their patents, but my mind and hands are still good. And keep this between us, but I’ve learned to graphene-dip them in the forging to protect the edges. It’ll take some time, but I’m confident she can bounce back, maybe better than before. I am viciously talented, after all!

FESTON: Proxy?

PROXY: Yes. That sounds good. Better than I could have guessed!. We’ll just need to avoid some of our more… thrilling dramatics for a little while.

FESTON: Okay!

PROXY: But for real this time.

FESTON: ...Okay…yeah, I promise.

NIAZO: I just need you to know, Mx. Astichor… I am gonna watch the HELL out of that forge process!

SERENA: You’d just make this for us? Out of the kindness of your heart?

ASTICHOR: Well, of course to make one, I’ll need to be back in my workshop. Not enslaved or pursued by nefarious forces. 

FESTON: So we get Chamber to back off, and you make us the part we need. Right?

ASTICHOR: You get me and my project back home safely, and I’ll make you anything you want.

SERENA: You AND the project… stacking up bonus objectives pretty quickly over here.

FESTON: Deal.

SERENA: Hey! I’m the one who’s gonna have to do most of the—

FESTON: —Serena.

SERENA: —Deal…..Deal.

NIAZO: Oh, “deal” huh? We’re just gonna “get them to back off?” What’s the plan exactly?

[[SFX: A saucer hovers near the ship and fires a grapple, which rips a door off the cockpit. An alarm blares. CHAMBER ziplines over.]]

NIAZO: [screams]

SERENA: Well kak me, I guess we’ll find out!

[[MUSIC: Adventure trumpet.]]

CHAMBER: Astichor, we never got to finish our conversation! Shall we resume?

[[SFX: CHAMBER grabs ASTICHOR and is pulled back to their ship with some device.]]

ASTICHOR: AYYYYYYYYE!

FESTON: WHAT THE ACTUAL KAK!! They just jacked our pilot mid-air!

NIAZO: I got it, I got it!

[[SFX: NIAZO takes the pilot seat and flips some switches; the alarm stops, and an emergency windscreen slides into place.]]

NIAZO: No wonder they need Astichor’s ships. Chamber and her gang still fly saucers?! Those went out of style with Freeboodle psycho-pop, pal!

SERENA: Good, Zo, stay on em! See if you can get alongside. Feston, come with me!

[[SFX: SERENA leads FESTON back behind the cockpit.]]

SERENA: Okay, grab my belt and hold me steady, okay?

FESTON: Whoa, what?? No, what??

[[SFX: SERENA slides open a cargo door like the side of a white van; the wind whips by and the saucer tuttles alongside. SERENA draws her sword, takes aim, and throws.]]

SERENA: [grunt]

[[SFX: The sword stabs into the side of the saucer; it wobbles on its flight path, then veers off.]]

FESTON: Nice throw! Right in the stabilizer. They’re going down over that field, and– oh kak no not the house!

[[SFX: The saucer hits the ground below with a distant CRASH through a fence, then a THUD.]]

FESTON: Oh good, missed the farmhouse, just clipped a fence.

SERENA: Niazo, you better put us down! Gotta go get my sword back.

FESTON: And Astichor.

SERENA: I mean… sure, if we have to. That guy’s getting on my last nerve though. They’re lucky we need them. Plus, I do really love that sword.

[[SFX: NIAZO lands the ship. The crew climbs out and surveys the smoldering wreckage of the saucer. The farmhouse door opens, and FARMER LERM stomps over to the crash site.]]

FARMER LERM: Hold it there now! The whole sorry lot o’ you joy-riding, crash-padding, muckety-assed freefallers had better have a very good reason for taking me away from my business! I said HOLD IT THERE NOW!

[[SFX: FARMER LERM cocks a space-shotgun.]]

CHAMBER / SERENA / FESTON: Whoa! / Okay, hold on now… / etc.

CHAMBER: Okay, everyone just…Master Farmer–

FARMER LERM: The name’s Farmer Lerm and don’t you ever forget it!

CHAMBER: Okay, Farmer Lerm– please, I would like to apologize for my intrusion. These scoundrels simply took something which was rightfully ours–

NIAZO: Hey, that “thing” happens to be a sapient being! You let them go!

CHAMBER: Your application has been denied, tinker-tot, so back off.

NIAZO: Oh, what, you think you’re better than me?!

CHAMBER: [coolly] I said… back off.

[[SFX: CHAMBER cocks a space-pistol.]]

[[MUSIC: Mischievous bass.]]

NIAZO: Hey, whoa, okay–

SERENA: Drop it, or I drop you right here, Chamber.

[[SFX: SERENA cocks her own space-pistol.]]

ASTICHOR: Okay, I think there are officially too many guns in this conversation.

FESTON: Yeah, I’d have to agree with that one! Chamber, come on, just let Astichor go. How much could they possibly owe you?

ASTICHOR: Oh, um… no. No no. It’s definitely, uh, a lot.

FESTON: Psh, like what?

ASTICHOR: [whispers unintelligible number of credits]

FESTON: [chokes] Oh kak. Um…

CHAMBER: And on top of that, you all crashed my saucer! A vintage model, too. We’ll be needing a new ship, I think… But not from this waste of breath. No, I’ll just take your designs to some other shipwright. One that delivers what they promise, when they promise. So you’ll hand over passcodes to your archives, Astichor, and we’ll call it square.

ASTICHOR: No way, Chamber. Too many dangerous things hiding away in there to just hand them over to you. I simply can’t.

CHAMBER: What do you think is happening here, you old prune? We own you. You have nothing else. You will pay what you owe, or I’ll pick at your bones ‘til I get it.

[[SFX: FESTON steps forward.]]

FESTON: You’ll have to go through me first.

ASTICHOR: Boy, what the hell do you think you’re doing?

[[SFX: SERENA walks in front of them both.]]

SERENA: And if you try to go through him, you’ll have to go through me first. And that’s gonna be way harder, trust me.

NIAZO: Uh, I feel like two is good enough here! You don’t have to go through me–

[[SFX: FARMER LERM fires into the air, shutting everyone up. He re-loads.]]

FARMER LERM: Now listen up, I don’t care a split podge-fruit for any of your city mess! You addle-brains owe me one good fence before all o’ my damn bohluks run off!!

[[SFX: several bohluks, which are definitely space-cows, moo in the distance.]]

FARMER LERM: They’re making a break for it! Zai blast and damn you!

ASTICHOR: Listen, Chamber… you’re right. I owe you. They don’t. If you’ll let these people go, let me get them where they’re going… I’ll build your ships. And, I’ll even hand over my passion project.

CHAMBER: [disarmed] Really?

ASTICHOR: Really.

CHAMBER: … We could be interested in that.

ASTICHOR: I bet you could.

NIAZO: Astichor, no, c’mon, you don’t have to sell yourself to this glass-eyed scavenger!

CHAMBER: Stay out of this! It’s not your business.

ASTICHOR: She’s right, Niazo. One washed-up jerk isn’t worth a bunch of sweet kids getting hurt. [to CHAMBER] So, what do you say? You let them go, you let me fix up their ship before we leave, and I’m yours.

CHAMBER: Fine. Your terms are agreeable, IF you don’t put up another fight.

ASTICHOR: Cross my gills.

FARMER LERM: Hold it there now, what about my fence! What about my herd!

CHAMBER: Well, Farmer Lerm… I, unlike some, pay my debts on time. Please allow my men to round up your cattle. 

FARMER LERM: And I’ll allow you to fork over a little extra, so as not to leave anyone feeling hard-done-by. Only right, seems to me.

CHAMBER: Yes, the Opaque Network will of course cover all damages. And in turn we’ll firmly appreciate your discretion in the matter.

FARMER LERM: What I look like, a squeal?

FESTON: Normally we’d stick around to help, but we’ve gotta get back. Kind of an urgent family matter, you understand.

CHAMBER: Oh, no, we won’t be letting Astichor out of our sight again, no no. You’ll wait until my men are finished.

FESTON: Aha, we’re going.

CHAMBER: You’re really not.

[[SFX: the HEAVIES growl.]]

FESTON: [angry & impatient] ...Well, fine! The sooner we round up the bohluks, the sooner we get back to my ship. Come on, y’all!

[[SFX: He clomps off.]]

CHAMBER: You better go make sure the poor boy doesn’t hurt himself.

[[SFX: The HEAVIES clomp off with a grunt.]]

NIAZO: Proxy’s not gonna, like, die in the next few ticks. I’m gonna sit that one out.

SERENA: I’m with you, that seems… less than glorious. [to CHAMBER] And with your heavies out there in the field, you better believe I’ll be keeping an eye on you.

CHAMBER: No need for the show. I’ve got what I came here for, and we’ll make enough with that project of theirs to buy ten new saucers. I can be agreeable. Why don’t I call us a tow-drone, for a lift back to your ship? On me.

[[SFX: CHAMBER walks off to makes a multi-tool call.]]

SERENA: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

FARMER LERM: Teach you to dump your city mess on my lawn. 

>> SCENE 08 [INTERMEZZO]:

[[MUSIC: Lighthearted acoustic.]]

[[SFX: a sunny day on the farm. Bohluks moo in the distance.]]

FESTON: [shouts of distant frustration]

CHAMBER: Interesting… uh, technique your friend has there.

SERENA: Yeah, you could call it that.

NIAZO: I’m not gonna throw stones in a glass house. You want a mechanical bovine tamed I’m your gal, but a flesh-and-blood bohluk? Not my area. Still...

FESTON: [shouts of being chased]

FARMER LERM: Hah! What a klunderhead.

CHAMBER / SERENA / NIAZO: Yup.

>> SCENE 09:

[[SFX: Driving in a self-driving tow drone. It’s quiet, kinda somber.]]

NIAZO: I just can’t believe you’re gonna give up your whole career for them, Astichor. And your passion project! Barely born and ripped from your arms… the tragedy of it…

ASTICHOR: Oh come on now, it’s not so bad. Joke’s on Chamber, I haven’t made any new ships in 4 decades! Besides what we flew in, everything in my shop is basically scrap! I’ll survive.

FESTON: Your passion project really was a beautiful ship though.

ASTICHOR: What? Oh, no, the ship wasn’t my passion project, I just kept my project hooked up to the engine cryo-feeds while I was trying to hide it.

FESTON: Oh… so, what was it?

ASTICHOR: My crowning jewel, a brand new design… The galaxy’s finest soft-serve machine!

[[Beat.]]

SERENA: ...I’m sorry, what?

ASTICHOR: Soft-serve! You know, like ice cream? I devised a new internal architecture that allows for instantaneous freezing and churning. Cutting-edge. I’ll tell you what, Chamber & Co. are about to get paid, big time.

NIAZO: Paid… for Ice cream.

ASTICHOR: Yup, I reckon losing that machine will probably put me out of the frozen confection game for good. Still, worth it to see you kids all right. No need to throw yourselves on the sword for my sake.

FESTON: Yeah, fine. This is the stupid plushie thing all over again... What about Proxy?

ASTICHOR: Don’t worry lad, you know how many Nerve Modules I’ve cooked up in my life? She’ll be straight as starlight in no time.

PROXY: [bwoip!] Thank you, Astichor. I’m excited to feel like myself again.

FESTON: Yeah, that’s great, it’s just…

SERENA: What, Feston?

FESTON: … Why is Proxy so special?

SERENA: What do you mean?

[[MUSIC: Swelling piano.]]

FESTON: I mean... Proxy, I found you in a used-ship lot! I thought you were just some Phase Gravely fan’s best collectible. But now I find out you’re fitted with custom, one-of-a-kind parts, made by experts in their field? Part of some black-site experimental project? Someone once told me I don’t even know what I have with you. I love you, Prox, I’m so glad you’re with me, but I just… Can’t help but wonder what the deal is.

PROXY: If it’s not much trouble, Astichor, I too would like more information on “the deal.” The closure of Physiclast Systems means I can only access common knowledge via the Wave. Like many children, I was never granted the details of my creation.

ASTICHOR: ...Look. I don’t know a ton about the program, like I said. But I do remember two things. Thing the First: I know there were only about 20 or so of those advanced Integrated Assistant systems in development at Physiclast while I was under contract.

FESTON: [intrigued] That is… Not a lot of them.

ASTICHOR: No, it’s not.

PROXY: And thing the second?

ASTICHOR: Thing the Second: I wasn’t supposed to, but I was able to grab some scant glances at some of the other paperwork involved in the project. One word kept coming up again and again... “PRESERVE.”

NIAZO: ...Ominous.

ASTICHOR: Ominous or not, it’s what I have. I hope it helps you find what you’re looking for.

SERENA: Feston, what are you looking for?

FESTON: ...You know, I’m not really sure.

[[SFX: The truck stops, and the crew get out.]]

[[MUSIC: Soft acoustic guitar.]]

NIAZO: I better go call Ripple and XL, let em know we’ll be on our way back soon. They’re gonna be pissed they missed an adventure.

FESTON: Tell Ripple she can hear it on the podcast. And I guess that’s my cue to sign off. Friends... take care of the people in your life. And take extra care where those friends need a little extra care. Each of us is made a little different, and we need different stuff to keep us going. As long as we pull together and accommodate each other, we’ll all make it through. I’m Feston Pyxis, reporting from Candesser. We’ll catch you next time, on STARTRIPPER!!

SERENA: ...Wow Feston, that was really nice.

FESTON: I know, right? That was off the dome! Can you believe it?

SERENA: Aaaaand the moment is ruined.

FESTON: Aww.

[[MUSIC: Wild Plain.]]

– END –

CREDITS: StarTripper!! was created by Julian Mundy, hey that’s me! And produced by Mischa Stanton, Ian McQuown, and me.

“An Astichor Special” was written, directed & sound designed by Mischa Stanton, with a story by yours truly, and performances by Ian McQuown as Feston, Sierra Shay as Proxy, Sammi Lappin as Serena, Julia Schifini as Niazo, Helen Highfield as Ripple L. Jeffrey Moore, as XL, Malcolm Barrett as Astichor, Anna Lore as Chamber, Tal Minear as The Housekeep, and yours truly as Farmer Lerm. Recorded at a safe social distance with production help from Lauren Shippen and Evan Cunningham. Music by Ketsa. For more, check out ketsamusic.com. Additional music this episode by Jahzzar.

Check us out on the Wave at StarTripperHQ.com for transcripts, merch, and links to subscribe on your podbank of choice, or on social media @StarTripperHQ where we love sharing fan art and other show-related stuff. Need the most recent show announcements or updates? Our Twitter feed is the best place to look.

If you want to support the show, and are in a position to do so, you can find us on Patreon. That’s Patreon.com/StarTripper. Even a regular $1 pledge helps us immensely to keep making cool shows for you, which we would love to keep doing.

Thank you for flying with us; we’ll be back in November. Until then, here’s this week’s StarTrip Survival Tip:

When flying through a zone of quantum uncertainty, make sure to shield the— and adjust the— so as you as you don’t—you should be— but maybe not!