How Feston Saved Arbor Day
WRITTEN BY ALEXANDER DANNER
DIRECTED BY JULIAN MUNDY
PRODUCED BY JULIAN MUNDY, MISCHA STANTON & IAN MCQUOWN
SOUND DESIGN BY MISCHA STANTON
[BACK]
[[AD MUSIC]]
JULIAN MUNDY: Hello, travelers! Julian here to wish you all a happy holidays from StarTripper!! HQ. Our first season has been a joy to produce and you’ve given it back one hundred fold. Your support on Patreon and social media, your gorgeous fanart, and the simple act of sharing our little universe with yours are gifts that we could not be more grateful to receive. In that spirit, we hope that you’ll also check out the new Startripper!! flavored additions to the Whisperforge storefront at whisperforge.org/store with more to come. Give the gift of Startripper!! any time of year! And before I go, a reminder that team Startripper!! including our best bud Ian McQuown will be at PodCon in Seattle, WA, January 19th and 20th of 2019. There’ll be so much to see there, but I hope you find us, and say hello. And now, for a special holiday destination.
[[JINGLE BELLS & THEME MUSIC]]
–Scene 01–
FESTON: Hello travelers! And welcome back...to StarTripper! My name is Feston Pyxis, [contented sigh] and I'm downright giddy today, my friends. [excitedly] Giddy! I've got a mug of hard cider, a sprig of Tosian poison-berry over my bulkhead—[aside] for decoration only, Serena, you can unraise that eyebrow—and I'm wearing the ugliest knit overalls, with an image of a woodsy wonderland so bucolic you'll be dodging acorns lobbed by an imaginary squirrel! Yes, it's that time, the happiest of holidays, the festivest of festivals: [giddy] It's Arbor Day! [laughs] I've loved Arbor day ever since my time on Lorvin—a class-2 clerical outpost planet, as you probably don't recall. No day was more anticipated by young file clerks. We'd pause our filing to stand attentive at our desks awaiting the CEO himself, dressed as Apple Johnny!—who was not an ecological terrorist...
SERENA: That's debatable.
FESTON: …not even technically! And that merry old Apple Johnny came with a hoversled loaded with trees for everyone! We savored that change in the air, that wafting breath of fresh green oxygen flavoring the office-standard Synthe-Breathe-brand Gaseous Fluid. [short laugh] And one-by-one, he'd hand each of us a tiny pot with a live bamboo nestled inside.
PROXY: Bamboo is a grass.
FESTON: Right you are, Proxy, but we weren't about to split hairs.
SERENA: I don't understand the point of Arbor Day. It's just trees. Why do people get so excited about trees?
FESTON: Where are you from?
SERENA: Arsylla.
FESTON: Arsylla? Arsylla's practically nothing but trees. Trees all over!! Isn't your main export...trees? Who do you think is buying them all?
SERENA: The Circle of Vatra wasn't involved with the arbormongers. Aside from intervening in the occasional dispute, trees were… just sort of around. I can't say I miss them.
FESTON: Oh, don't be such a Bunyan! Now… where was I?
PROXY: Pursuing a lengthy digression about your employer plying you and your coworkers with trivial tokens of appreciation.
FESTON: Right! Apple Johnny! My friends, today a dream comes true for me, in the form of minimum-wage seasonal temp work! I am pulling the Startripper into port at Station Kinderkafig 7, a Mercantillian residential way-station where I have been hired to play Apple Johnny on the multi-corporate commercial mezanine! [gasps] Oh gosh, I can hardly wait!
PROXY: The Startripper is docked, Feston.
FESTON: [using a sillier tone] And here I go! Lush Arbor Day, Proxy! You too, Serena!
[[SFX: FESTON DOWNS THE REST OF HIS CIDER, SLAMS THE MUG DOWN, AND EXITS THE FLIGHT DECK.]]
PROXY: Lush Arbor Day, Feston.
SERENA: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, enjoy your infantile dress-up game.
Feston: [going full Christmas movie Santa voice] Lush Arbor Day to ALLLLL!
[MUSIC: breezy, almost Mall-music, slightly hopeful]]
-Scene 02-
[[SFX: DOOR SLIDING OPEN. STATIONSIDE, COMMERCIAL MEZZANINE. HUBBUB OF HOLIDAY SHOPPING, HOLIDAY SPACE MUZAK. DOORCHIME AS FESTON ENTERS AN OFFICE.]]
FESTON: Hi, I'm your Apple Johnny, Feston Pyxis!
P'PARL: Mr. Pyxis, very good. We spoke in slip-space. I'm Esteban Tiallo P'Parl, Junior Vice President twice-removed in the Office of Morale Oversight! Let's get you right into costume, shall we?
FESTON: Heck yeah!
[[SFX: FESTON CHANGING CLOTHES]]
FESTON: Oh, woah. Huh. Woooow! [grunts and hums as he adjusts his ‘fit] Woah. Yeah. [giggles]
P'PARL: How's the fit?
FESTON: The overalls and tattered shirt are good. The saucepan's a little loose, but I don't suppose you've got other sizes there.
P'PARL: Just adult or children's, I'm afraid.
FESTON: Good enough!
P'PARL: Excellent! Now, let's move you along to… the receiving chair.
-Scene 03-
[[MUSIC: HOLIDAY CHIME LIKE MUSIC THAT FADES OUT]]
[[SFX: BACK AMIDST THE HOLIDAY HUBUB, WITH A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE WAITING TO SIT IN FESTON'S LAP.]]
P'PARL: Hello, everyone! Our special visitor has arrived! Please welcome Apple Johnny--who is by no means an ecological terrorist! Not even technically!
CROWD: [cheers wildly]
FESTON: [adopting a Southern-style accent] Lush Arbor Day, everybody! Lush Arbor Day! HEE, HEE, HEE!
[CROWD CHEERS, SCATTERED SHOUTS OF "LUSH ARBOR DAY, APPLE JOHNNY!']
FESTON: So, who's first to sit on ol' Apple Johnny's lap?
P'PARL: Well, me, of course.
FESTON: O..oh. Okay. Not...the kids?
P'PARL: I put in the work to arrange all this. It's only fair.
FESTON: Well, come on then, big guy, get on up here!
[[SFX: P'PARL SITS ON FESTON'S LAP, ELICITING A BIT OF A GROAN.]]
FESTON: Have you been an efficient Junior Vice President Twice Removed in the Office of Morale Oversight this year?
P'PARL: I sure have, Apple Johnny!
FESTON: And what kind of tree are you hopin’ I can facilitate this year?
P'PARL: Oh, I'd very much like a Golden Cloud Weeping Birch!
FESTON: Ohh, have you filed all the proper requisitions forms with the Office of Holiday Gift Allotment and Distribution?
P'PARL: [excitedly] Yes, I have!
FESTON: Well, then I'll see what I can do about facilitating fulfillment of your holiday wish! HEE HEE HEE— [coughs as P’Parl gets up]
P’PARL: Lush Arbor Day, Apple Jonny. Lush Arbor Day.
FESTON: Okay, who's next?
[[MUSIC: FUNKY SYNTH BASED MUSIC THAT CONTINUES THROUGH THE NEXT FEW PEOPLE]]
STORP: [confidently] Hi, I'm Delia Delia Storp, Assistant Deputy Chief of Stationboard Criminal Investigations, and I've been a very efficient Assistant Deputy Chief of Stationboard Criminal Investigations this year. [chuckles]
FESTON: I'm glad to hear that, Delia Delia. And what kind of tree are you hoping Apple Johnny will facilitate fulfillment of this year?
STORP: Oooh! I'd like a traditional Douglas Fir, if it's not too much trouble.
FESTON: Well, Delia Delia, I think I can help you out there.
STORP: Thank you! Thank you so much! Lush Arbor Day, Apple Jonny. Lush Arbor Day.
CLAYPOTS: Thank you for coming, Apple Johnny. I'm Chlorissa Phylemina Claypots. Botanist.
FESTON: Deputy Assistant Botanist? Third Botanist once removed?
CLAYPOTS: No, just Botanist.
FESTON: Chief Botanist?
CLAYPOTS: One and only Botanist.
FESTON: Well, okay then! Have you been an efficient one-and-only Botanist this year?
CLAYPOTS: I haven't much choice, really.
FESTON: And-and what kind of tree would you like?
CLAYPOTS: I really want a Venebulan Scintillating Red Lemon tree.
FESTON: [muttering] Oh well, that’s a- [cheerfully again] Done and done! HEE, HEE, HEE! Next!
[[MUSIC CONTINUES]]
ARBOR DAY HOPEFUL #1: [childlike] Braxelbranch Maple!
ARBOR DAY HOPEFUL #2 : Um.. M-M-Martian uh, Martian Eucalyptus? Heh.
ARBOR DAY HOPEFUL #3: [in a professorial voice] Oh, a Pythagorean Willow, yes.
ARBOR DAY HOPEFUL #4: [nasally] Ooh, ooh. Stunted Squaretrunk!
ARBOR DAY HOPEFUL #5: [Scottish accent] Pre-Medronian! Multiform! Bonsai!
ARBOR DAY HOPEFUL #8: Coniferous Vacillating Redleaf.
ARBOR DAY HOPEFUL #9: [in a deep voice] Oh, a Shivering Sturtlebird, can’t forget that. Oh, yes. Yes, that is the most important thing on my list.
[[MUSIC FADES]]
[[SFX: A LOUD SQUELCH. THIS SQUELCHING CONTINUES UNDER CHUMLY’S DIALOGUE]]
CHUMLY: I'm Quimple Bob Chumly, Second Under-Assistant to the Junior Deputy Vice President of—
[[SFX: AN ALARM BLARES REPEATEDLY AND THEN STOPS]]
CHUMLY: Ooh! Oh, oh oh! Ooh.
[[SFX: THE SQUECH OF CHUMLY SLIDING OFF FESTON’S LAP]]
FESTON: Whoa! What's the ruckus?
[[MUSIC: OMINOUS GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS UNDER THE DIALOGUE]]
[[SFX: HURRIED FOOTSTEPS]]
P'PARL: Emergency! It's the trees! The whole shipment of Arbor Day trees has vanished! It was highjacked en route to the station! Please, DO NOT PANIC!
CROWD: [shrieks]
FESTON: Who would deliberately ruin Arbor Day?
STORP: [over the intercom] Botanist Claypots and Apple Johnny, please report to the Office of Criminal Investigations at once.
[[MUSIC: TENSE, SYNTH MUSIC PLAYS BETWEEN THE SCENES]]
-Scene 04-
[A DOOR OPENS, AND FESTON ENTERS THE OFFICE OF CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION AT A JOG.]
FESTON: [slightly out of breath and still in his Apple Jonny voice] Okay! [clears his throat and his voice returns to normal] Okay, I'm here!
SERENA: [clears her throat, pointedly] About time.
FESTON: What? But they just...how'd you get here so fast?
SERENA: I heard alarms?
STORP: Thank you all for coming. First off, Claypots, how long have we got to find the trees before they become unsalvageable?
CLAYPOTS: There are dozens of varieties in that shipment. Some can last for weeks without tending, but others can only survive for a few days without a proper soil transplant.
STORP: We've received a video message just before the freighter vanished. As you'll see, the criminal is in full Bunyan regalia, flannel shirt, knit hat, suspenders and everything.
FESTON: I should stop here a moment—I have to assume my listenership includes people of many cultures, and not all of you have The Bunyan as part of your Arbor Day traditions. The Bunyan is the dark flipside to Apple Johnny. Johnny traipsed across the galaxy, sowing trees as he went—which was totally not ecological terrorism, not even technically—and The Bunyan followed behind with his giant axe, chopping trees down! Apple Johnny brings gifts of live trees to all the efficient workers; The Bunyan steals lazy workers, and puts them to work in his sawmill. Okay, back to this crime scene video!
BUNYAN: [garbled transmission, as though they are using voice-disguise technology] I've got your trees, Kinderkaftig! You've all been lazy, inefficient workers—so why should you get any trees? And just for the record, Apple Johnny was an ecological terrorist! He carried invasive species to every planet he visited, disrupting thousands of fragile ecosystems!
SERENA: That bit's true, actually.
[[VARIOUS NOISES OF DISAGREEMENT]]
CLAYPOTS: Now that's just going to far! Apple Johnny was a botanical hero! I wouldn't be where I am today if not for Apple Johnny!
STORP: [to Feston] Okay, Apple Johnny: go get 'im!
FESTON: Uh...what? You realize I'm not really Apple Johnny, right?
STORP: You contracted to portray Apple Johnny. That's all-inclusive. Now go catch that Bunyan, or forfeit your paycheck!
SERENA: Come on, "Apple Johnny." Looks like we're savin’ Arbor Day. Or is that not part of your [laughs] little play-pretend fantasy?
[[MUSIC: BLUESY ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS IN BETWEEN SCENES]]
-Scene 05-
PROXY: Hello, Feston. You've returned earlier than anticipated.
FESTON: We've got some sleuthing to do, Proxy. Some Bunyan highjacked the tree freighter. Whole thing just disappeared.
PROXY: Yes, I saw. The culprit used a cloaking device, obviously.
FESTON: Right, of course! I knew that also.
SERENA: That type of freighter doesn't come equipped with a cloak. So, the question is, where did thief get it?
PROXY: Would you like me to scan the station's inventory logs to see if any cloaks have gone missing recently?
SERENA: I assumed you were already doing that.
PROXY: Of course, but it's still polite to ask.
[[SFX: THE SOFT BEEPS OF PROXY LOOKING UP LOGS]]
PROXY: Yes, one cloaking device was reported missing one point three months ago, from an equipment locker: J7.
FESTON: That's right after I was hired. IIIIInnnnteresting.
PROXY: Given the long interval between the two thefts, it seems likely that the thief is a permanent resident of the station.
SERENA: Who has access to that equipment locker?
PROXY: That list includes more than a dozen departments, Serena.
FESTON: Well, let's take a look. What are the odds the trees were stashed somewhere on station?
[[SFX: A VARIETY OF MORE SOFT BEEPS]]
PROXY: I have cross-referenced the access list with departments possessing sufficient storage to hide a freighter of trees.
FESTON: That's a very short list. I think we've got our Bunyan!
SERENA: Good.
[[SFX: SERENA'S WEAPONS ACTIVATING.]]
FESTON: Whoa, wow, no! We're chasing a thief, not a serial killer!
SERENA: We're after a criminal!
FESTON: Yeah, but this is a holiday special. Let's try to keep it family friendly? The guy's just like... a disgruntled cosplayer.
SERENA: With an axe!
FESTON: Why do you assume he has an axe?
SERENA: Isn't it traditional for the character?
FESTON: Well...okay, yes. Maybe it'll be a pretend axe?
SERENA: Maybe he'll only pretend to chop off your head.
FESTON: Okay, bring...uh...the sword. No guns.
SERENA: Ugh. Fine.
[[MUSIC: SOFT BELLS AND SYTH PLAY BETWEEN SCENES]]
-Scene 06-
[ON THE STATION, OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE TO THE ARBORETUM.]
STORP: Apple Johnny, Are you two on to something?
FESTON: You bet your redundant middle name we're onto something! Those tress should be just on the other side of this door.
[[SFX: DOOR OPENS, AND THEY ENTER THE ARBORETUM. ENVIRONMENT LIVENS UP, BIRDS, WATER, REFRESHING NATURE SOUNDS.]]
STORP: The arboretum! I've never actually been up here before. But aren't there always trees here?
FESTON: Yes, but perhaps we should investigate that suspiciously out-of-place leaf-covered tarp at the middle of the field.
[[SFX: FESTON PULLS BACK THE TARP.]]
FESTON: Ta daaa—aaww.
STORP: There's nothing there.
SERENA: It's here. It's just cloaked.
[[SFX: STORP KNOCKS ON FREIGHTER.]]
STORP: Seffra Zai, you're right!
FESTON: [quietly] Oh, I knew that.
[[SFX: THE CLANG OF A PERSON LANDING HEAVILY ATOP THE FREIGHTER.]]
STORP: [gasps] The Bunyan!
[[MUSIC: SOFT BELLS]]
BUNYAN: [still distorted] Apple Johnny! I knew you'd turn up eventually!
FESTON: Oh, excellent, you put the costume back on! I was really hoping I'd get to do a dramatic unmasking!
BUNYAN: You won't unmask anyone if I chop you down to size first!
FESTON: Wait, what?
[[SFX: BUNYAN LEAPS AT FESTON SWINGING HIS AXE.]]
FESTON: EEK! Axe! Axe! Axe! And bad puns!
SERENA: I told you. I told him.
FESTON: You told me so! You told me so!
[[SFX: ANOTHER SWING, WITH A METALLIC IMPACT]]
FESTON: Ow! My hat!
BUNYAN: Your hat saved your life, Johnny. But only for the moment.
FESTON: My hat has a handle, Bunyan! And now, I'm armed!
SERENA: [giggles]
FESTON: Millinery saucepan attack!
[[SFX: KABONG!]]
BUNYAN: Ha!
SERENA: Any time you'd like me to jump in...
FESTON: Ah, yes please! Non-lethal intervention!
[[SFX: WHIRLWIND OF SWORDPLAY. BUNYAN IS NO MATCH]]
FESTON: Ooh, good one.
BUNYAN: No, not that way!
[[SFX: A THUD AS SERENA STRIKES WITH THE HILT. BUNYAN FALLS TO THE GROUND, DEFEATED]]
STORP: You got him!
FESTON: And now—drumroll please…
[[SFX: A REAL DRUMROLL]]
FESTON: The unmasking!
[[SFX: A RUBBER MASK IS PULLED FROM BUNYAN'S HEAD.]]
STORP: Chlorissa Phylomena Claypots!
CLAYPOTS: Yes, it's true. I did it. I disguised myself as the Bunyan and stole the shipment of trees!
FESTON: I mean, we should have guessed that from the start. Chlori Phyl Claypots? [chuckles] I think we really have the parents to blame here.
STORP: But why?
SERENA: Does it matter?
FESTON: It's revenge for the native plant species overrun by Apple Johnny's seed bombing.
STORP: I see!
CLAYPOTS: What?! No, that's not it at all!
FESTON: It's not? So, you don't think Apple Johnny was an eco-terrorist?
CLAYPOTS: No, of course not! Not even technically!
SERENA: He was, though.
CLAYPOTS: I only said that because I was in character. I love Apple Johnny more than anyone!
FESTON: Huh. Okay, missed that one. Wait, let me think, I still want to figure this out. Oh, I know! Ah, it's because you're overworked! Everyone on this station has an assistant and a deputy and an assistant deputy, and a deputy assistant deputy. Everyone except one person—the lone, lonely, one-and-only botanist!
CLAYPOTS: But—
STORP: Ohh...!
FESTON: Hmm hm, hm hmm.
CLAYPOTS: No.
FESTON: Oh. Alright.
CLAYPOTS: I mean, sure, that's why I said no one here was efficient enough to have earned a tree. But that's not why I did it.
FESTON: Alright, I really feel like I should get one more swing at this. Hang on. Hm, oh, oh, oh! Storp—you said you've never been up here! Everyone gets so excited once a year at Arbor Day, but there's an entire arboretum at the top of the station, that no one takes the time to visit. All these wonders of nature that Claypots lovingly nurtures go completely unappreciated.
STORP: Ahh!
CLAYPOTS: NO! I mean...yes that's also true, and it is galling to see all these imported trees fawned over, while the arboretum is here for you anytime you want. But that's still not why I did it.
FESTON: Huh. Yeah, that's all I've got. I concede.
CLAYPOTS: [scoffs] Isn't it obvious?
FESTON: No.
STORP: No.
SERENA: Yes. This should be your day. You want to play Apple Johnny.
CLAYPOTS: YES! You get it! Every year, Arbor Day comes and goes, and here I am the only person on the ship who knows anything about trees, and yet I've never been asked to be Apple Johnny! Then P'parl hires somebody who isn't even from the station, like there's no one here at all qualified for the role. I'd had it. I decided, if no one's going to let me be Apple Johnny, then I'd just have to make myself into: The Bunyan!
FESTON: Ohhh! Well, that makes sense!
STORP: Yes, she certainly has a fair point.
CLAYPOTS: Well, thank you for understanding.
STORP: Okay, Claypots, next year is your year. I'll talk to P'Parl myself, make sure he knows the arrangement.
CLAYPOTS: Ohhh, thank you! Thank you! That's all I've ever wanted.
SERENA: Isn't she going to the brig? She stole a freighter of trees and tried to kill Feston. With an axe.
FESTON: Eh, I came through alright at the end, thanks to you. I think we can let one little attempted axe murder go, so long as she promises not to do it again!
STORP: Anyway, we've only got one botanist. If we lock her up, who'll do her job?
FESTON: I'll say this—I really admire her Arbor Day spirit!
[[MUSIC: SOFT GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS BETWEEN SCENES]]
-Scene 07-
[[SFX: AMBIENT SPACE SOUNDS ABOARD THE STARTRIPPER]
FESTON: So that was my Arbor Day, friends! Best of my life. I got to play Apple Johnny, investigate a heist, unmask a villain, and teach Serena a valuable holiday lesson all in one day.
SERENA: Hm? What? I was supposed to learn a lesson?
FESTON: They even let me keep the saucepan with the axe hole in it! Best of all, they included us in the tree-gifting!
PROXY: That's very nice, Feston, but I don't… understand why you're strapping the ficus into a seat on the flight deck.
SERENA: I was also wondering about that. That’s my seat.
FESTON: Bernard, Proxy. The ficus is named Bernard.
PROXY: [deep sigh] Feston, my time with you has taught me the purpose of a weary sigh.
FESTON: I'm just glad to be educational, Prox. [puts on his Apple Jonny voice] And thank you to all of you who joined us in our holiday adventure! Lush Arbor Day everyone! [normal voice again] Lush Arbor Day to all of you from all of us here aboard...The Startripper!!
CREDITS: Startripper!! was created by me, Julian Mundy, and produced by me, Mischa Stanton, Ian McQuown. This episode was written by Alexander Danner and directed by me, Julian Mundy, sound design by Mischa Stanton, with performances by:
Ian McQuown as Feston,
Sierra Shay as Proxy,
Sammi Lappin as Serena the Sapphire Blade,
Kyle Payne as Estuban Tialio P’Pal,
Jesse Abbott Chin as Delia Delia Storp,
Paula Demin as Chlorissa Phylemina Claypots,
Julian Mundy as Quimple-Bob Chumly,
Jake Del Rio, James Oliva, and Tanya Milojevich as Arbor Day Hopefuls.
Music by Ketsa, for more check out KETSAmusic.com.
Additionally music for this episode comes from the Free Music Archive. It’s great to have the archive back up and running. To help keep the lights on this holiday season check out freemusicarchive.org/donate
Check us out on the web for links to subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts or your preferred audio curator, transcripts for each episode, and a link to our brand new merch store. Or you can follow us on social media, @StarTripperHQ, to stay up to date on where we’re flying next, including details about our upcoming appearance at PodCon in Seattle, WA, January 19th and 20th, 2019. We can’t wait to see you there.
If you’ve got some spare holiday cheer left over, please take a minute to rate & review us on your platform of choice. That’s a really easy way to help new listeners find the show. And if you wanna go even further, you can support us on Patreon, where you can access sweet rewards, like thank you cards, exclusive art, and an invitation to our hoppin’ patron-only community on Discord, rocking even in the off-season. Even a pledge of as little as $1 helps us immensely to keep making cool shows for you.
Thank you for flying with us. And now, this week’s StarTrip Survival Tip: Figgy Pudding is a tasty holiday treat. However, Reverse Figgy Pudding contains live wasps. And should be avoided.