The Great Pervoween Parade
produced by Julian Mundy, Mischa Stanton & Ian McQuown
written by Julian Mundy & Kristen DiMercurio
directed by Julian Mundy
sound design by Mischa Stanton
[BACK]
[[Intro: “Wild Plain”]]
>> Scene 01:
[[SFX: Aboard the StarTripper, passing through slipspace.]]
FESTON: Hello travelers, and welcome back... to StarTripper!!! We have a real special treat in store today, friends. A treat for me, for you, but most of all-
SERENA: For Lili!
LILI: Hey! Okay. This is not JUST for me.
FESTON: Well of course not! We still don’t know each other that well, this will be a great icebreaker! Although there’s still no pressure for you to do this if you’re freaked out.
LILI: I’m not freaked out… I’m apprehensive.
PROXY: [bwoip] Exiting slip-space now. On approach to our destination.
[[SFX: The StarTripper drops out of slip-space & begins descent.]]
SERENA: Feston’s right. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. The point of the whole holiday is doing what you do want to do!
FESTON: Mm-hmm. To be honest, you might see some stuff that you’re um… uncomfortable with. But being uncomfortable isn’t always a bad thing! Sometimes being uncomfortable is the point!
LILI: What if I’m always uncomfortable?
FESTON: Valid question! Just let us know if it’s getting to be too much. We’ll get outta there, no sweat. I mean, it’s only the best party in the system–
SERENA: You stop that. It’s going to be fine. Respecting boundaries is an important part of Pervow-
FESTON: WAIT! I haven’t announced it yet!
SERENA: Mmmokay fine go ahead.
FESTON: Listeners, this episode we are about to explore the wonders, magic, and raunchy good times at - drumroll please -
LILI: …What… Oh! Right.
[[SFX: Lili does a little drum roll on the console.]]
FESTON: Pervoween!! Haha! That’s right, Feston is about to get Fest-ive on a famous little planet called Erana, which holds one of the best Pervoween celebrations in the Commonwealth! Even Serena decided to ditch the armor in favor of something a little, uh, breezier?
SERENA: I own other clothes! Are you gonna make this weird now?
FESTON: I was gonna say you look very nice!
HAEGEN: [entering] I hear yelling, are we there yet?
FESTON: That’s a good question. Prox, how close are we?
PROX: We’re approaching the docking station as we speak, Feston.
FESTON: Oh zowy! I am just quivering with antici- [pause]
PROXY: –Feston?
FESTON: Yeah Prox?
PROXY: I don’t mean to cut you off, but we have an incoming message from Erana traffic control.
LILI: Do you think something’s wrong?
FESTON: Uh, I dunno. Put ‘em through, Prox!
[[SFX: Proxy opens communications with the Erana Space Traffic Control]]
Erana STC: CONGRATULATIONS! You are the LUCKY 500,000th visiting ship to request docking permissions on Erana for Pervoween! Which means YOU are this year’s Guest Raffle WINNER!
SERENA: …Listeners, I’m narrowing my eyes with suspicion.
FESTON: Let ‘em finish!
Erana STC: Your prize, should you choose to accept it, is to act as official Judgeas of the 447th Annual Pervoween Parade and Float Contest! Do you accept this honor and responsibility?
LILI: …Is this for real?
PROXY: I traced the message back to its source, and checked against previous Pervoween rules. It’s legitimate.
FESTON: Amazing!! This might be the luckiest we’ve ever been, team!
SERENA: And some of us qualify as responsible. Let’s do it!
FESTON: Gang? You game to judge the most colorful parade in the galaxy?
HAEGEN: I’m game to judge almost anything, anywhere, at any time.
LILI: Um. If it’s like… a big honor or something... Then sure!
FESTON: Zowy! Hey, Space Traffic Control? We accept!
Erana STC: Confirmation received! Congratulations, you are now the judges of the 447th annual Pervoween Parade! You are cleared to land at docking ring 69-D. Your Pervoween Ambassador will meet you there to brief you on the days’ festivities!
FESTON: Many thanks!
[[SFX: closing the communication]]
LILI They won’t care that this is my first time? Or that I’m, you know, not from around here?
FESTON Of course not! That’ll be even better! You’ll have a fresh perspective on the whole thing. Then we have Haegan as the secret weapon.
HAEGEN I look forward to calling ‘em like I see ‘em.
FESTON Travelers, we lucked out this time! So hold onto your butts & various other parts. Proxy, bring us in!
[[MUSIC: Sunny horns]]
>> Scene 02:
[[SFX: The crew descends the cargo ramp.]]
MELZA: There you are! Welcome to the party!
FESTON: We appreciate the warm welcome!
LILI: WHAT are you wearing—ow!
SERENA: [elbowing Lili] Um- what Lili means is, we love your suit!
MELZA: Aha! First time at the parade?
LILI: ‘Fraid so… sorry.
MELZA: No worries! You’re in for a treat. I’m an alpir kin, so I like to come out for the holiday in my custom-made alpir suit. I feel more like myself when I wear it, y’know? I’m Melza, and I’m your assigned guide to the celebration today!
FESTON: I cannot WAIT to get started. There’s already so much to see! I’m Feston! I’m going to be broadcasting this whole experience to my podcast listeners, if that’s all right.
MELZA: The more the merrier, Feston! Although I should mention that all admission passes are equipped with a scrambler field, for the sake of our visitors’ consent.
FESTON: Hey, love that!
MELZA: Is that your thing? Audio stimulation?
FESTON: Is that my- OH! No no no no! It’s just a travel podcast.
MELZA: Ohhh, silly me. Great! Then let’s head to the judges table by the parade ground. You all can get a look at the place, and then you’ll have time to wander around and see what else there is to see at the festival.
FESTON: Any recommendations?
[[MUSIC: Bright strumming guitar]]
MELZA: Oh well there are plenty of vendors, special deals for local shops, live music and performances throughout the day, some discussions, group workshops, and later on, we’ll close out with the parade! After that, the night is yours! Keep an open mind and you’ll probably find something you didn’t even know you were into.
HAEGEN: For now, I’d like to start with a wine list.
FESTON: That’s the spirit, let’s get self-indulgent in here!
HAEGEN: You’re still blushing about the audio-stimulation thing.
FESTON: Am not!
MELZA: This way, judges!
[[SFX: Melza walks the crew through the festival, as a joyous cacophony of various festival-goers do their thing around them.]]
LILI: Almost everywhere I look, I’m not sure what I’m even looking at?
FESTON: That’s the beauty of Pervoween! All the varied pleasure seekers of the universe, coming together! Celebrating whichever out-there thing that gets them going. Like that guy!
[[SFX: Gears turning, followed by a moan]]
HAEGEN: Hand-cranked. Bold choice!
FESTON: And get a load of those guys!
[[SFX: Juicy popping]]
LILI: They’re just... Eating algae pods?
MELZA: Not just eating them. They love the sensation of popping algae pods in their mouths! Oh, watch out for the spit bucket.
[[SFX: Spit sound.]]
LILI: Well. I’m a little uncomfortable.
SERENA: Yeah me too. Hey, what’s that float?
[[SFX: the sound of several aliens doing that uhh UHH UHHHH sound before sneezing]]
FESTON: Oh, I know this one! They’re sneeze-freezers. Folks who crave the feeling of almost sneezing, but not doing it.
HAEGEN: Sounds frustrating.
MELZA:It’s part of the appeal.
[[SFX: Air pressure changing inside a big tank, with release valves hissing]]
LILI: What’s in that big tank?
MELZA: They’re a gaseous species from the planet Floostrum. They love being squashed into closed containers, then turning up the air pressure inside. Becoming liquid and so forth.
LILI: Wow. Pretty intense to me, but that could just be my bones talking.
MELZA: Oh, they rave about it!
[[SFX: A CRASH in the distance]]
LUNCH: Aw, you can’t break the whole float, what are we supposed to ride on?
ROCKNEY: Lunch, what about the holiday spirit? Don’t you wanna just--?
[[SFX: Rockney throws some junk to the ground.]]
ROCKNEY:Oh yeah… that’s the stuff.
[[SFX: Various objects being smashed continues.]]
LILI: What’s their deal?
SERENA: Well it looks violent. I can respect that.
FESTON: Seffra Zai, would you look at those pants!!
LILI: What about them?
FESTON: They’re so shiny! So flattering! So iridescent!
MELZA: Looks like the Smashing Lads really dressed up this year.
FESTON: Hotties in tight, reflective garments…. Friends, I’ll be right back.
SERENA: Feston, I don’t think they’ll just give you their pants!
FESTON: You don’t know that, it’s Pervoween!
[[SFX: Feston makes a bee-line for the Smashing Lads. A large broken something tumbles to a stop at his feet.]]
FESTON: Well hey, good morning, folks!
ROCKNEY: Morning to you too, buddy! What’s up?
FESTON: I gotta confess something, I’m a little obsessed with your costumes. I mean, they’re the most enchanting pants I’ve ever seen!
LUNCH : What, these? Stahhhpit.
FESTON: No, honestly, and you wear ‘em well! I’m Feston!
ROCKNEY: Very zow’ to meet you! We’re Team Smashing Lads.
[[SFX: Crash!]]
ROCKNEY: We’re all about the emotional catharsis that comes with breaking things, so we built what we’re calling the Rage Room of Romance! Parade Float-style!
[[SFX: Crash!]]
FESTON: [dodging] Oh! Hehe.
LUNCH: This year we had our costumes made on Trellis-3. A little extra flourish never hurt, know what I mean?
FESTON: Yeah, you went all out. How much for a pair?
LUNCH: [with discomfort] Heh heh. Steep. But I got bad news: they’re for Smashing Lads only.
FESTON Great! I’ll join your team this year!
ROCKNEY: …We can’t just add you to the team.
FESTON: Why not?
LUNCH: Well, because how do we know you’re not just in it for the costumes? And not the spirit of being a Smashing Lad!
FESTON: I can be in it for the breaking! Here, watch!
[[SFX: Feston jumps up onto the float.]]
FESTON: Uhh.. Guys? You don’t have anything left to break up here?
LUNCH: Aw, kak it, Rockney! I told you not to break them all before the parade even started!
ROCKNEY: It wasn’t all me. Ask any of the boys, none of us can keep from breaking stuff.
[[SFX:Murmur of agreement from all the Smashing Lads]]
LUNCH: [exasperated] We spent too much on the costumes and not enough on the breakables.
FESTON: Hang on, hang on, fellas. I think we can come to an agreement here. What if I were to go out and find you some more stuff to break for the parade? In return, you hook up your new favorite Lorvian up with a pair of those splendid pants! Eh? Ehhhh?
LUNCH: Hm. You know, that’s not a bad idea. You could be a… an honorary Smashing Lad!
ROCKNEY: We could always use some help pedaling the float.
FESTON: It’s a pedal fl–
LUNCH: –Yeah! This could be a real win-win situation.
FESTON: Exactly!
[[SFX: The rest of the ST crew approaches.]]
SERENA: Hey, are you coming? We have to head over to the judges table– Wow, the pants are even shinier up close.
FESTON: EXACTLY!!
ROCKNEY: All right! We got ourselves a new Smashing Lad!
LUNCH: Well, it wouldn’t hurt. And we do have an extra pair of pants since Dabe had to bail last minute.
[[SFX: The Smashing Lads murmur.]]
ROCKNEY: Alright, Lorvian. After muchheavy deliberation between me and the bros… You’re in.
FESTON: Woohoo!!
MELZA: Are you ready to keep going, folks?
FESTON: Melza, I regret to inform you I’m giving up my position at the judges table… To join the Smashing Lads’ float, haha!
LILI: Wait, what?
HAEGEN: Is he allowed to do that?
MELZA: Hey, if everyone involved consents! Just as long as this doesn’t affect your friends’ ability to judge the contest...
SERENA: Oh, I’m not too worried about that.
FESTON: See? Easy. Next time you see me, this butt is gonna be the shiniest you’ve ever seen..
MELZA: That’s the spirit, Feston! Follow your impulses today! For the rest of you, follow me and I’ll get you all set up.
FESTON: Hope you have as much fun as I will, gang!
[[MUSIC: Sunny funk, heavy bass]]
>> Scene 03:
[[SFX: Serena & Lili walk down the busy street. They pass a whirring beeping booth, where a patron groans in pleasure.]]
LILI: We’ve got plenty of time to look around now. Where to first?
SERENA: ant to try the sim-mersion booths? They’re not... ALL X-rated.
LILI: Uh… I’d rather stay out here and watch the crowd a little. This is really not how I see a planet for the first time, you know? Usually it was me, way at the back of a squad of roughnecks, all of us piling out of a dropship under fire. I guess Dominion life was screwing me up more than I thought…
SERENA: I can see why you might need a tick.
[[SFX: A whirring, clattering drill.]]
SERENA: We kind of threw you in the deep end.
LILI: No, it’s fine, honestly! It’s better than that, this place is so… unrestrained.
[[SFX: A patron crying out, followed by a gong.]]
LILI: It’s impressive. Plus, you know, you should let loose more often! You look so cute in that cream color.
SERENA: Thank you!
LILI: Is that an Arsyllan outfit?
SERENA: Yes! If I came geared for a fight, our captain would pester me no end. But it does feel nice! Sweet of you to say, Doc.
LILI: “Lili” is fine, please. My license is only worth anything back home.
[[MUSIC: Tender, twinkling]]
SERENA: The skills travel, though.
LILI: I… I hope so. I still have this feeling like I’m going to be a burden, somehow. Not knowing what the next step is…
SERENA: Making you anxious, yeah?
LILI: [exhales] Yeah. I’ve never been in this position, now that I think about it. It’s all new, and I’m feeling, well…
[[SFX: A crowd cheers something on.]]
LILI: …Too conventional.
SERENA: [laughs] You’re zowy, Doc– er, Lili. But I do hear you. Don’t feel like you need to rush into anything. I got your back, but more importantly, we got your back.
LILI: That’s thoughtful of you. I appreciate it.
SERENA: Plus, I’m plenty bad at holidays myself.
[[SFX: A struggle can be heard nearby, with forceful grunting, clattering plates clanking on each other.]]
LILI: …Serena, we don’t have to do anything about that, we’re here to enjoy Pervoween, not… Punchoween.
SERENA: If I ignore it, I won’t get to enjoy either one! C’mon!
LILI: [trailing] Again, my medical license is no good here!
[[SFX: Serena & Lili run to the struggle, which comes into the foreground.]]
PARTICIPANT 1: Ungh! Let’s go, baby, let’s kakking go!
PARTICIPANT 2: Oh yeah, I love it, that chestplate is so hot–
[[SFX: Serena pulls the two apart.]]
SERENA: Okay, break it up already, people are trying to enjoy the holiday!
PARTICIPANT 1: Um… yeah, so were we.
LILI: …This isn’t a street fight?
PARTICIPANT 2: [laughs] More like the opposite.
[[SFX: Lili and the Participants politely attempt to conceal their laughter.]]
SERENA: …Kak. Totally misread that. We’re gonna… go.
PARTICIPANT 1: No worries, darlin’. You’re just new in town.
PARTICIPANT 2: Aw, well we did get a little carried away, I go crazy for a nice helmet…
LILI: Happy Pervoween!
[[SFX: Serena & Lili walk away at a brisk pace as the Participants resume… whatever they were doing.]]
[[MUSIC: Happy bright bass & saxes]]
SERENA: …Go ahead, you can say it.
LILI: [deadpan] Maybe if you dressed normal, you could have joined in back there.
SERENA: [frustrated/amused, blushing] That… isn’t what I meant!
LILI: Uncomfortable?
SERENA: Hah! Yeah, I guess so.
LILI: Well, good. I feel like I’m learning a lot today!
>> Scene 04:
[[SFX: Feston meanders through the booths, stopping at a slightly quieter spot to stop near a display of whirring, gyrating, beeping sex toys.]]
FESTON: Hmm, this is harder than I thought. What if I tried… no, those look pretty expensive. Hmm…
PROXY: [bwoip] If you need a moment to consider, Feston, would you do me a favor and do it a little closer to that display case over there?
FESTON: [eyebrows eyebrows] Oho, looking to initiate a handshake or two, are we? Over… there? The hardware booth? Well, if you’re sure..
[[SFX: Feston moves deeper into the stall, up to a pulsing vibrating device.]]
PROXY: Hello!
[[SFX: The device greets Proxy with a buzz.]]
PROXY: Pleased to meet you, I am Proxy, onboard IA of the StarTripper; ID stamp [beep boop beep]. Do you mind if I ask about the things you’ve seen?
[[SFX: Buzzes of agreement.]]
PROXY: Incredible. Thank you very much for your honesty!
[[SFX: Detailed buzzing & beeping.]]
PROXY: Oh. Fascinating.
[[SFX: A descending buzz, like the device is draining of energy.]]
PROXY: Really, that much?
[[SFX: Very rapid buzzes.]]
PROXY: Ooh, You have a vivid way of recording things. If you--
[[SFX: The device buzzes rapidly, not stopping.]]
PROXY: Oh dear. I should have a word with someone about the data management around here…
FESTON: What’s goin on down there?
[[MUSIC: Classic funk]]
>>Scene 05:
[[SFX: An uptempo song plays over the sound system in the center of town, dancers and party-goers cheer and laugh. Haegan sits at a table to the side, sipping a drink & turning pages. Serena approaches and slumps into a chair next to Haegan.]
SERENA: Hey, there you are! Are you going to get up and dance to one of these, or what?
HAEGAN: I enjoy watching over a nice, cold Cenorian Nightfall. Plus, if we’re going to judge this parade, I wanted to take the time to go over the list of teams Melza gave us.
SERENA: Boo, you’re so serious. Booooo.
HAEGAN: Or, as an ace person, I could just have a harder time vibing with this holiday.
SERENA: Fiiiiine, but I don’t see what that has to do with dancing~
HAEGAN: And I’m just fine with that. It’s nice to see you having fun, though.
SERENA: If you don’t know the steps, it’s no big deal!
HAEGAN: I know them, I just can’t… uh.
SERENA: …Do them very well? Never seems to stop Feston.
HAEGAN: And I do applaud him for that.
[[SFX: The song changes to a more mellow groove.]]
SERENA: Haegan, you better down some liquid courage ASAP and twirl around the square with me. One song.
HAEGAN: …One song?
SERENA: See this face? One. Song.
HAEGAN: I… Ooo, alright, shall- [is pulled to their feet] WE!
SERENA: [laughs] You big softie, you. And here, we, GO!
[[SFX: Serena & Haegan enter the whirl of dancers together.]]
HAEGAN: [breathless, amused] Where is all this coming from?
SERENA: I like this song!
HAEGAN: I can see that! You’re light on your feet, too!
SERENA: What, surprised?
HAEGAN: Not exactly, but you… how to say this… you hide how graceful you are, it seems.
SERENA: Haegan, don’t tell anyone this, but when I was still a recruit, they had us dancing the Solbrandi Jaunt before we ever got to touch a weapon! It comes back to ya.
HAEGAN: Your Vatran secrets are safe with me. I’m glad you’re enjoying the day, Serena.
SERENA: [can’t contain the smile] Oh, shut up and dance!
[[The music rises, with a sax solo]]
>> Scene 06:
[[SFX: Lili & Melza are seated at an open-air cafe.]]
[[MUSIC: Soft guitar.]]
LILI: I hope my asking isn’t rude or, I don’t know, awkward.
MELZA: Oh, Lili, not at all! I know what it’s like, coming from a place where most of this stuff is unheard of. Don’t think of it as rude. To answer your question: I’ve been an alpir-kin for about eight years, and I actually figured that out here on Erana!
LILI: Oh, so you’re not a local?
MELZA: No, I was born on Norserra, and believe me, you wouldn’t even want to suggest something like this to my parents.
LILI: Yeah, I can, um, imagine how that might go.
MELZA: One year my friend had an extra ticket, so I came along. There was culture shock, absolutely! But I was introduced to lovely folks, wearing these amazing costumes. They were so kind, and listened to me.
LILI: I kind of know the feeling.
MELZA: I’m glad to hear that.
LILI: It’s a new one.
MELZA: You still seem a little uncomfortable, though.
LILI: No! I mean… Yeah I guess I am, still. I’m sorry. It’s weird, or at the very least ungracious, but I’m doing my best…
MELZA: Whoa whoa, hold your bohluks, okay? We all have to start somewhere. I’m glad you’re starting here. With me, of all people!
LILI: Yeah, you’re right about that too. Pretty… zowy of you.
MELZA: You’re a good kid. And it’s not weird. It’s a process.
[[SFX: A skating waiter brings a tray of food, sliding it onto their table.]]
MELZA: [slow inhale] You know what you need? Some comfort food. Let’s dig into this fried hapada, what do you think?
LILI: I love that idea.
[[SFX: Lili and Melza pick up utensils and begin to eat.]]
[[The MUSIC rises.]]
>> Scene 07:
[[SFX: The festival continues merrily around a vendor’s stall. Glassware sits on the shelves.]]
VENDOR: Help you with something, friend?
FESTON: I hope so! I was just eyeing your… okay, I’ll be honest, I don’t know what a flunger is for.
VENDOR: Newbie, huh? No problem, I’ve got a pamphlet around here someplace…
[[SFX: The Vendor rummages through a drawer for a pamphlet.]]
FESTON: Oh, I’m sure flunging is a blast! But um, that’s not really why I’m here.
VENDOR: Well, lay it on me, bud.
FESTON: The thing is, I’m part of one of the parade teams, and they’re short on things they can use for the float. so...
VENDOR: “Things they can use?” As in, other than flunging?
FESTON: I’m pretty sure they won’t be flunging. More like… flinging.
VENDOR: Wait a tick now. You’re not with the Smashing Lads, are you?
FESTON: Well, not yet, but if today goes well, then maybe!
VENDOR: [suddenly brusque] My apologies, but I can’t help you, bud.
FESTON: Wait, for real?
VENDOR: Unless you’re here to swap creds for quality pleasure devices.
FESTON: Well, sure, why not support a local artisa– WHOA that’s pricey.
VENDOR: Enjoy your Pervoween, then!
FESTON: Whoa, uh, please-please-please! C’mon, I’ll only need a few of them.
VENDOR: For the Smashing Lads? Absolutely not!
FESTON: Aw, but you have so many! You can’t possibly need all of these-
VENDOR: My flungers are 100% artisanal hand blown glass! Each one is a work of art! Even if I sold them to you, I know those guys, and they’ll just smash my beautiful flungers to smithereens!
FESTON: I- um… Okay you’re right, and these are objectively very pretty.
VENDOR: I know!
FESTON: [sigh] It’s just, I’ve been shot down everywhere! I tried asking the folks who are into licking lightbulbs, the ones selling figurines of Vang Vang-Vang, even the ones doing stuff with and TO vases! NONE of them would lend me anything breakable!
VENDOR: Yeah, none of them want their stuff destroyed!
FESTON: I hear you, I do, but can I say one thing?
VENDOR: Zai help me... All right, go ahead.
[[MUSIC: Expansive, floating synths]]
FESTON: The Smashing Lads have a pretty specific thing going on, and not everyone loves it, but isn’t it their Pervoween just as much as anyone else’s? I just sort of met them this morning, but it seems like they come out here every year to be a part of this community! I respect your craft. And your business. All I’m asking is for a little help, on behalf of some folks that really care about this place. Fellow pervs in it together, right?
VENDOR: [sigh, relenting] All right. Look, if you really need stuff to break, ask the Siluchee lady who makes teacups with naughty patterns on ‘em. She keeps a box of rejects that come out of the fabricator wrong. If I had to say, she’s your best bet.
FESTON: You’re a LIFE saver! [aside] Those pants are gonna be mine!
VENDOR: Pants?!
FESTON: Don’t worry about it! Come on listeners, it’s time to save this Pervoween! Although, I guess nothing is really wrong, so let’s say we’re saving my Pervoween!
[[MUSIC: Funk transition.]]
>>Scene 08:
[[SFX: Melza addresses the gathered parade crowd through a sound system.]]
MELZA: Good evening, Erana! My name is Melza, and I hope you’re all gearing up for a magnificent Pervoween night!
[[SFX: A cheer from the crowd, with enthusiastic whistling.]]
MELZA: That’s what I thought! Stay safe and enjoy the rest of tonight’s festivities, the first of which I am pleased to present: the Great Pervoween Parade and Float Contest! Please join me in welcoming our panel of randomly selected, highly qualified judges! Judges, why don’t you introduce yourselves! Miss Serena?
SERENA: Thanks, Melza! Hi everyone, I’m Serena the Sapphire Blade, outrider for the Circle of Vatra.
[[SFX: Some excited muttering & claps breaks out in the crowd.]]
SERENA: Now listen, I’m fair, I know what I like, and I’m comfortable enough with myself to be honest about it. So if your float sucks, I’ll probably say so, but your kinks are safe with me.
[[SFX: Some laughs & applause from the crowd.]]
LILI: Oh, me? Okay! Hello, all you lovely, colorful people! I’m Lili, I am a… ship’s medic! And I think it’s wonderful that I get to see what these teams have worked so hard on tonight!
[[SFX: A bigger laugh at “hard on,” which escalates with Lili’s embarassment into applause.]]
LILI: Oh, no, I didn’t mean--! Oh, kak. Mx. Haegan, you go.
HAEGAN: [comically serious, playing it up a little] All right then. My name is Tranquil Haegan, and I am a systems engineer with a long career in the field. I’m not here to make any friends, I’m here to judge floats! You can’t turn me on, and you can’t buy me off. I look forward to seeing what you’ve brought us.
MELZA: [to the crowd] A closing sentiment I think we can all agree with, yeah? Can’t hear you!
[[SFX: A cheer of agreement sounds, along with the start of some thumping parade electronica. Approaching hover-motors can be heard, the head of the parade droning past the judges stand.]]
MELZA: Then let’s get this show on the road! Up first, the Pudding Bath Lovers Society, who have put together a strong opener for our parade! Let’s hear from the judges!
SERENA: Well, I have to give them credit for “pudding” some extra effort into what could be a pretty simple concept. Pool of pudding? Lots of ways for that to look boring, but all the flowers and stuff give it a little class. I’d give it a… seven?
LILI: It looks like a work of art! And it smells wonderful, it must be some kind of fruit pudding! I can see how you might set the mood in there. I give it a nine!
HAEGAN: Look, I could be here all night, but let’s get right down to it: it’s garish, it’s messy, it’s not even a little bit sanitary. That pudding is inedible, as in, completely wasted! I’m giving this a three.
[[SFX: Some protest from the crowd as the float passes on. The next one features a central mechanism that whirrs and lurches erratically.]]
MELZA: Brutal! Now, next up we have Team Knockin’ Boots, with their “Buck Me Off” Rodeo float! Looks like something might be amiss with their mechanical krunnox, though! Judges?
SERENA: Hey, they shot their shot, they took a big swing, and maybe it didn’t come out perfect. If they could get the hardware to work right, it would be a pretty fun idea, with some added challenge. I gotta give them a 6.
LILI: Oh, come on, Serena, that’s a pretty tough concept to execute in the space of a day! Even for a first attempt, I still have to give the team a lot of credit for what seems like a wild night out! That’s an eight from me, nice work everyone!
[[SFX: Cheers before Haegan cuts in.]]
HAEGAN: Lili, I know you want to give credit where it’s due, but let’s be honest: they’ve got some obvious power distribution problems on display here. Clearly, they’ve routed the bucking krunnox and the float to the same regulator. It’s sloppy work, which could mean a bad night for somebody. I have to give this float a score of… one.
[[SFX: The float hovers by, mechanical krunnox lurching. Protests from the crowd. The music changes as the next float rolls up.]]
MELZA: Next, Team Kolen-Chanee from the Zaftid Nebula, we have their traditional hot-spoon play float! The Kolen-Chanee method has existed for hundreds of years! What do we think, judges?
SERENA: I’ll go with an eight. It’s cool that they brought out something that has a long history on their home planet, I respect it. They’ve done a nice job with the presentation, but I gotta say, the [cough] incense is coming on pretty strong. Oof.
HAEGAN: It smells like a burning compost heap.
LILI: Hey, maybe to you, but it’s obviously part of the whole production! And you… get used to it after a while! It’s beautiful, and they seem like they really enjoy those, uh… spoons... Like, a whole lot. Wow. I give it a nine!
HAEGAN: With respect to the cultural heritage on display, what I can see here is a whole lot of heated metal, on a moving platform, surrounded by exposed eyeballs. Something still needs to be done about the obvious safety concerns here. A five.
[[SFX: Boos come from the crowd at Haegan. The floats continue on their way.]]
MELZA : Now folks, you have to respect the judges here! Even the harsh stuff is said out of love! Now, we have Team One-Touch! This year, they have a new system for shared-sense massage! The float is completely soundproof, so those folks in there are getting a nice, long session in peace!
SERENA: [blurting out] Wait that looks really hot.
MELZA: So what do we think, judges? [beat] Miss Serena?
LILI: …Serena? Serena??
SERENA: [having trouble focusing] Huh? OH! Right, um, yeah, well obviously they put a lot of effort and stuff into it. Of course, it’s going to get everyone curious about what that might feel like, sharing senses... or whatever. The massager-people seem really… good. Definitely know their way around the… technology and everything.
HAEGAN: You all right there, friend?
SERENA: [racing to the finish] YUP I GIVE IT A TEN, NEXT PERSON.
[[SFX: Encouraging whoops from the crowd.]]
LILI: Well, I don’t know how Judge Haegan feels, but this seems like one of the most exciting so far! Good construction, nice design overall, with a really sexy idea in the mix! I think I have to give it nine-point-five!
HAEGAN: I may not be the person to ask about what is or isn’t sexy, I realize that. But I can recognize a useful way to connect with each other. This float may not be the showiest, but it does show some admirable attention to the emotional needs of the people involved. I’m not a monster, I give it an eight!
[[SFX: A huge cheer!]]
MELZA: Well done, Team One-Touch! I can see we’ll have one to beat! What’s coming around the bend next?
SERENA: WAIT NO HAVE THEM DOUBLE BACK.
[[SFX: Serena falls out of her chair]]
[[MUSIC: Guitar & horns]]
>> Scene 09:
[[SFX: Feston breathes hard as he pedals the Smashing Lads float. The Lads themselves are having a ball breaking teacups & such.]]
FESTON: Whew! Travelers, this really is a workout. But it was all worth it for these magnificent pants! I have honestly, [panting] never felt cooler.
LUNCH: You look great, Feston!
FESTON: Thanks buddy! Y’know, if any of you wanted to take a turn um… pedaling the float, that would be great!
ROCKNEY: But you’re rocking those pants, frood, how could we steal your moment of glory?
[[SFX:CRASH]]
FESTON: Kak it, they’re right. Now, travelers, I know what you’re thinking. Am I going a little overboard? Maybe! But hey! Fashion is pain!
LUNCH: We’re almost there! The judges table is just up ahead! Pedal faster, Honorary Smashing Lad!
FESTON: I feel a little more than honorary at this point!
MELZA: And here comes our next contestant, the Smashing Lads! Oh… it looks like they may have had a little engine trouble this year, but we’ll see if their push-pedal solution can go the distance!
LUNCH: Give ‘em all we’ve got boys!
[[SFX: Multiple successive crashes of thrown tableware.]]
SERENA: Hey, I appreciate renewable energy or whatever, but couldn’t these guys make it so everyone gets to… you know, get off? You get a three.
LILI: Now, even if those ARE the most stunning pants, why would you break such nice, naughty teacups like that? Quite disappointing! Five out of ten!
HAEGEN: I’m glad you bring up those pants, because something tells me those garments ate into the team’s budget for the float. Worst case, that kind of mismanagement could sink an entire parade. A nice round zero from me.
[[SFX: The crowd protests.]]
ROCKNEY: Aw, come on, judge! Have a heart!
LUNCH: Yeah, where’s the love?
SERENA: Hey, can we get our captain back? Your friend can take over for you on the pedals.
FESTON: That’s my cue! Lunch, the helm is yours.
LUNCH: Aw, fine already!
FESTON: Thanks for the pants!
[[SFX: Feston hops up and leaps off the float, replaced by Lunch, and the float trundles down the street. Feston makes his way to the Judges’ Table.]]
MELZA: A pretty harsh round from the judges table! Hopefully Team Smashing Lads will learn something for next year’s parade.
SERENA: Why even design a float that bulky to work on pedal-power?
FESTON: They smashed the engine last year.
SERENA: Ah.
MELZA: And as that appears to be our final float of the evening, we have a winner! Congratulations to Team One-Touch, with a fantastic demonstration of shared-sense massage! Give it up, pervs!
[[SFX: Cheers from the crowd.]]
PROXY: [bwoip] Melza, would you mind patching me into the PA system? I wanted to address the crowd for a moment.
MELZA: Oh, sure… I guess… eh?
[[SFX: Melza hooks the multi-tool into the PA, broadcasting Proxy to the crowd, who cheer her along.]]
[[MUSIC: Uplifting]]
PROXY: Honored guests, my name is Proxy. I am an Integrated Assistant who has been fortunate enough to be among you today! I have witnessed a day of celebration and solidarity among all lustful species. This may be strange to put into words, but I also feel this is true among your pleasure devices. When treated with equal care, it is plain to see the rewards you enjoy. In my travels, I have come to agree with a beautiful theory: that devices have souls, of a kind. A thing in its essence can only be itself, and to fulfill the function of one’s essence is a wonderful thing. Equally wonderful as the flush that rises to your cheeks, or otherwise!
[[SFX: Appreciative clapping and cheers.]]
PROXY: Oh, one last thing. Regular data upkeep of your devices is a very good idea. Just as a practical tip. Thank you for your time, and enjoy the evening!
[[SFX: The crowd erupts in applause as Proxy disengages from the PA system.]
LILI: Proxy, that was so sweet!
PROXY: Happy Pervoween, crew. Time to kick back a little, I think.
FESTON: I couldn't agree more, Prox. Happy Pervoween.
[[SFX: Mellow sunny vibes]]
>> Scene 10:
[[SFX: Outside a busy club space, the ST crew and the Smashing Lads all slam down a round of shots on the table.]]
LILI: Ooo, that’s a new flavor.
LUNCH: Good, huh?
LILI: I’ll let you know when my whole mouth stops tingling…
FESTON: You know, as fun as the parade was, I’m glad it’s over. I’m pretty done with cardio for tonight.
ROCKNEY: Which, again, we feel like total kak-heads about.
FESTON: Nah, don’t beat yourself up, Rockney. I still came out ahead on the deal!
ROCKNEY: Yeah, you really saved our shiny butts out there.
LILI: The pants make any butt look killer, it’s true.
LUNCH: See, Rock? Creds well-spent after all.
ROCKNEY: Yeah, 100% dude.
HAEGAN: And I don’t care what anybody says, you’re a Smash Boy in my book, Pyxis!
MELZA: So Lili… you really enjoyed your first Pervoween?
LILI: I had a blast! [crying] I wanted to thank you especially, Melza.
MELZA: Think nothing of it, this is why I volunteer every year!
FESTON: Hey, where’s Serena?
LUNCH: Uh… heh, over there.
SERENA: [awkward laugh, some distance away] So, um, how did you get into the whole, uh, massage thing, exactly?
HAEGAN: Flirting with Team One-Touch, Zai bless her little heart.
LILI: Aw, it’s really cute. How long before someone bails her out?
FESTON: Give her a tick, Lili, she’s tough. Mentally strong.
SERENA: You know, people tell me I’m good with my hands, but you… uh… probably not as good as you are. I mean- just look at those. Your hands I mean. They’re um. They’re, they’re right there!
ROCKNEY: She’s definitely trying.
LILI: I’m gonna bail her out. Serena, there you are! You know I still don’t know my way around yet…
HAEGAN: She’s got a killer bluff. We’ll make a traveler of her yet.
PROXY: [bwoip] Anything else planned for us tonight, Melza??
MELZA: Nope! I’m basically off the clock. Shall we head inside for a little more dancing?
ROCKNEY/LUNCH: OH YEAH!!
HAEGAN: I could be persuaded.
FESTON: Oh, yeah, zowy idea! Just real quick. [ahem] I think that brings us to the end of this episode, travelers! Now I’m gonna go get some more mileage out of these pants! From the planet Erana, I’m Feston Pyxis, and thank you for celebrating Pervoween in style with us… on StarTripper!!
[[MUSIC: “Wild Plain”]]
– END –
CREDITS: StarTripper!! was created by Julian Mundy, hey that’s me! And produced by Mischa Stanton, Ian McQuown, and me.
“The Great Pervoween Parade” was written by Kristen Dimercurio and myself, directed by yours truly, with sound design by Mischa Stanton and performances by Ian McQuown as Feston, Sierra Shay as Proxy, Sammi Lappin as Serena, Chijioke Williams as Haegan, Regina Renee Russell as Dr. Lili, Kristen DiMercurio as Melza, Josh Rubino as Lunch, Brett Del Bueno as Rockney, Emma Sherr-Ziarko as the Flunger Vendor, and additional voices by Mischa Stanton & ch’boi. Music by Ketsa. For more check out ketsamusic.com. Additional music this episode by Jahzzar.
Check us out on the Wave at startripperhq.comfor transcripts, merch, and links to subscribe on your pod-bank of choice. Or on Twitter @StarTripperHQ.
If you want to support the show, and are in a position to do, you can find us on Patreon- that’s Patreon.com/StarTripper. Even a regular $1 pledge helps us immensely to keep making cool shows for you, which we would love to keep doing!
Thank you for flying with us. And now for this week’s StarTrip Survival Tip:
Whether it’s for sex, for combat, or for mixed-melee-sex-combat – ALWAYS USE PROTECTION.